Tuesday, December 28, 2010

very good christmas break

I didnt post a Christmas post so I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Hopefully everyone got what they wanted and had time to spend it with family and friends. I had a pretty solid Christmas.

But with the holidays comes some family fights so I got some of that to blog about and also a hookup :)

I will post soon about it all but until then, take it easy everyone!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

i thought things were good

Well with mom knowing ALL of me, things have been somewhat different. I mean not dramatically different, but like she is always trying to do stuff for me. Just little things more often than normal and I dont mind, its just I feel like she feels sorry for me or something. I dont know, could me just being paranoid but I defiantly know she has been acting different. 

And I guess she didnt take it as well I as I thought. Apparently she doesnt believe me that I am. 

So we just got back from our trip to NC for my sisters graduation and we drove two cars back: our van and my sisters car. Since my sis had so much shit to bring back, we split up in the cars and it was pretty packed. My mom and sister were in her car while me, my brothers and dad were in the van. At a rest stop, I asked my mom if they were having some mother-daughter talks. She said they were just "analyzing different things." So right when I heard that, I knew she meant me but she also said they were talking about my sisters guys. Anyways, we get home and I was going out with some friends so I head up to my room to change and stuff. While I was getting ready, my mom came up to ask her motherly questions to see where I was heading and stuff. But she also said that I should wait to tell anyone else cause she doesn't think I am. It was pretty random but I guess she thought I would just tell the world since she knows but I'm not going too. This kind of pissed me off just thinking that she doesn't believe me but I also think its because she doesn't want me to be. I know parents dont really want their kids to be gay but its not something they can control. She also said that she wants to have a talk with me but I don't really want to. I guess we need to since I haven't talked to her much about it since I told her but even when I told her, she questioned me asking me how do I know and saying it might just be a phase.

Then yesterday, I was just in the "I dont want to be anyone" mood and my mom asked me what was wrong and why am I sad when I was about to go somewhere. I just brushed it off saying it was nothing and she said "Is it because I know you?" and I just said no and kind of starting leaving. 

It just kind of sucks that my mom doesn't believe me but I guess I just need to explain to her. Not really looking forward to it but I guess it should be done.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

i did it!

I told my mom yesterday, well kind of. I did the letter thing and she was completely cool about it. I will write more about it later on. Im just about to leave for a 20 hour drive back to school for my sisters graduation. Not to excited about that but at least my mom knows :)

Monday, December 13, 2010

im home!!

So finals week is over and Im finally back home. I have been waiting to be home since I left for school lol. I have spent some quality mom-son time since not many of my friends are home yet. We have been to the malls the past 3 days for Christmas shopping and trying to get last minute gifts. Dont get me wrong, I love spending time with her and I'm so glad I'm home to be with her, but almost every conversation we have is about me and girls. She asked me when I was planning on getting married the other day!! Like I feel like I would hurt her so much if I came out to her. Then we went into a baby store cause she had to a buy gift for a friend, but she was picking out clothes and was saying she cant wait to see how my babies would be dressed. I mean I have three other siblings so my mom can have plenty of grandchildren but I guess she cant really count on me for them.

I have been debating whether or not to tell her. I'm getting to the point of if she will know later on, why not know now. I just don't want to cause any problems during this time of the year but its just really annoying having her ask me about girls every day.

And got a question for yall, would it be acceptable to write a letter to her to tell her? I just feel like if I was to tell her face-to-face, I wouldn't be able to get it all out.

Later everyone

Monday, December 6, 2010

finals week

Getting closer and closer to Christmas break and Im sooooo happy. I havent been home since beginning of August and I really want to get home. I'm not homesick, I'm just tired of being at school for so long. Cant wait to see my family and my friends over the break. Unfortunately before I go home, I have to take my finals for my classes this semester. My first test isnt until Tuesday but havent even started studying for any of my tests. Im such a procrastinator and will probably just wait until tomorrow night to start lol

Um still havent talked to my sister since telling her. I just find it really hard to bring up, its such an awkward conversation. I did talk to my roommate about it the other night until like 4am so we are on the same page about it all. He understands the situation and said I should talk to my sis as well. I just hate bringing up that subject. Even with my roommate I dont like bringing it up. During the talk, I noticed I still havent accepted myself 100%. I dont like saying "Im gay" out loud and he said I should practice it lol Both times coming out, I just said "I dont like girls." Its just more comfortable for me I guess.

Anyways, hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the music!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

some jams

Things haven't gotten any better or worse I guess since I told my sister. I haven't talked to her much or seen her either. We text back and forth but about completely random things. I have been thinking about talking to her again about the thing but not sure how to bring it up or if I want to bring it up if its already blown over.

I do want to say thanks for all the support I have been getting throughout this blog. Everyone's comments really mean a lot to me. This blog has helped me express my thoughts and gain support for the issues I have dealt with.

I thought I would add some music to my blog since its a pretty big part of my life. Whenever I'm feeling down or whatever, I throw some music on and chill. Whenever I'm getting ready for a game, I listen to music to get me focused. I don't have too much variety but I just listen to what I like. The play-list doesn't have any particular order of songs but I just threw it together. Let me know what you think and if you have similar likings or suggestions for me.

Later people!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

could of been better

told my sis tonight and didnt go the way I wanted. I mean she said she is there for me but I could tell thats just because she is family. Feeling pretty shitty and have been listening to music for the past 3 hours straight. 

might go into detail later on but not now, trying to get my head right

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

some things going on

Well its been a while since my last post but thats mainly because nothing has really gone on. I guess the biggest that has happened to me was that soccer ended which blows. Ended about 3 weeks ago cause we didnt make it to the NCAA tournament. It sucks not making it then seeing other teams that we beat or tied made it through. We were good enough to make it but we just fucked up on stupid things. 

Still only out to one person which is my roommate/teammate. Haven't talked to much about it just cause its not a big deal really. He doesn't mind it and it doesn't affect him. He acts the EXACT same way as he did which is cool. Still does really gay stuff that surprises me that he hasn't came out yet lol. I have debated whether telling two other teammates but just haven't got myself to bring it up. One of them I was going to tell but then he sent me a video from ebaumsworld talking about gays and stuff and he was like "wasn't that hilarious?" I just said "eh not really" then went on talking about something else.

Last week I was in "be alone" type of mood and didnt want to hang around my friends which made them mad but whatever. They would joke around with me but I wasnt in that playful mood to do that and then they would give me shit and I isolated myself for a couple of days. Like thinking about this stuff makes me feel alone and not connected with everyone else. I know they are my friends and I love chilling with them, but even when Im having fun, this gay stuff is ALWAYS on my mind. It occupies so much of my time just thinking about it. I honestly fucking hate it and which there was some way to get it off my mind. I thought telling one person would ease that but it hasnt. To some degree it has but I mean its still on my mind. I guess by telling my roommate, it just gives me an outlet to talk to someone in person but even if I talk to him, he still doesnt fully understand what its like.

We finally got off for Thanksgiving break which is sick cause I really need a break from school buttt Im not even going home. Im stuck at school :( It really sucks cause I want to go home so bad. I miss my family and my friends a lot! Kind of getting home sick.There isnt anything to do here at school either. Im not too sure what Im going to be doing all day since everything on campus is closed lol My friend left his room open so I could ps3 but I think that might get old after a couple of hours. Why cant it be summer already!! haha

Thats about it really, I will try to post more often. Hope everyone is doing well! Later people

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

my florida trip was awesome!

So I have been meaning to write this post this past week but have been super busy with school and soccer. Now Im writing this post on the bus to another game hours away. These bus rides give me time where I have nothing else to do besides to write a post lol (sorry for the bad writing style though, just write what comes to my mind at the time)

Two weekends ago, I was in Florida for soccer and while I was there I got to meet up with a fellow blogger. We have been talking for about 3 months and talk a good amount. I was nervous to meet him just because like vid chat isn’t the same thing as face-to-face conversations but it was awesome. He is such a cool, chill, normal (gay) guy. I would never guess he was if I just saw him. But I was chilling at my hotel on our day off between our two games and texted him to see what he was up too. He wasn’t busy so I asked him if wanted to come over and go for a walk and talk. It was perfect cause my hotel was like 5 minutes from his school. So he came over and I met him outside just cause I didn’t want my teammates or anything to see us and then I would have to make up some things but we just went to talk. Found a bench where we just sat for about 2 hours talking about anything. It was crazy that we talked for that long cause it felt like it was only 30 minutes or something. Every time I talk to him, time seriously flies. I think he speeds it up cause we can talk for hours and it goes by so fast! But it was so cool to finally meet him in person and just talk. I was nervous why we were sitting there and I was shaking but it was cold too so that might of contributed to it lol Then the next day he came and watched me play against his school. I didn’t play so good which sucked and I felt bad that he was there watching me play when he could have been with his friends partying or something. I really appreciate him coming out to watch and hopefully I get to go back down there to see him in person again :)

And when I got back to my room, I had some explaining to do cause I was gone for so long. I was rooming with my teammate that I’m out too. Its awesome rooming with him just cause I’m the closest to him than anyone else on the team. Its funny cause the coach puts us together while he switches everyone else’s roommates up just cause we are always together. And it’s a joke on team that we are “dating” cause we are always next to each other. Anyways, I got back to the room and told him what I was doing cause before I left, I texted him saying I was going to talk to a friend from the area. I basically confessed to him about everything and we sat up talking for about 2 hours about what I have been through, my blogging, and just my thoughts on gays. It was such a good talk. Because after I came out to him, I didn’t really talk to him about the situation and he didn’t mention it at all. So I wanted to clear things up and tell him its all good if he asks me about it or anything. He really has surprised me how cool about everything he has been. It really has been the best 2 weeks of my life since I have told him. He understands how I feel and what I have been through to hide it for so long. He told me about another story where his dads’ best friend was gay and how it wasn’t a problem at all growing up. I seriously love this kid :) hahaha

Thursday, October 21, 2010


So here is basically the play by play of how I told my roommate:

I texted him asking if we could talk and he said sure I will come over to your room. I replied Im coming to yours. (we live about 10 yds from each other so its not a big deal of whose room we go to but I wanted to play fifa while I said it but that didn’t happened) but I walk in and I had my hoodie on just cause I felt awkward being that I was going to tell my biggest  secret ever!

He was laying on his bed watching the tv guides channel. And when I walk in,  he asks whats up. Im like nothing really just have to tell you something. My voice was kind of shaky already. He then asks if I got a girl pregnant. I just laughed and said no. I sat down in a chair in his room facing the tv with him behind me. He turned the volume all the way down cause he knew I had something to say. I sat there quiet for a bit and he was like “whats up bud?” and I just kept pausing and like “ummm I have something to tell you but its hard.” I told him to take a guess but he wouldn’t and was like “whatever it is, its gonna be better if you just tell then keeping it in.” I told him im not sure if that’s the truth just in case he reacted differently. I finally said “can I tell you something I have never told anyone else, not my mom, dad, brothers, or sister or sam (my best friend from back home).” He was like of course. By this time I was sweating and started to tear up and kept freezing up to talk. Then one of our roommates walked in without knocking and I was sittin in the chair with a pissed look on my face with a tear coming down my face and he said something and realized it was the best time so he was just backed out and was like sorry lol. But he just kept saying just tell me man. Then I finally got around to saying something like “Im not into girls.” (that part is blurring cause it happened so fast) He waited a couple seconds then said “that’s it?” I was somewhat crying and trying to hold it in cause I felt like girl crying but I was like “ya, its something I have been meaning to tell you for a while now just couldn’t find the best time too.” Then I just sat there while he talked to me and calmed me down. He told me about a story that a family member in Mexico is gay and he was with him walking down the street with him and some people said stuff to him and it pissed him off and he hated that he had to deal with that. And told me that he raised to love everyone and not judge for something small like that. Hearing all that helped me so much and realized this isn’t too bad. After all this there was some akward silence and I asked if we could play fifa and he of course. So we played fifa for about 2 hours without saying a word about what happened.

He really surprised me about how he reacted and how he talked to me after. I had no idea about his family member in Mexico and it was cool that he hates that type of discrimination.

And when I got back to my room after showering, I texted him about what happen and to thank him for being there… (Just copied and pasted it from my messages):

Me: Yo man, besides the fact that you farted and left it in the bathroom for me to smell the whole time I was showering, I love you bro. Thanks for being so understanding. You have no idea how much it means to me. Love you man!! Goodnight kid :)

Me: I feel like such a bitch for crying too. Sorry about that :/

Him: Hahaha I was wondering why you were yellin oh my gosh for… but no need to thank me bud I’m here for you for whatever. It happens don’t feel like a bitch for that, feel like a bitch for missin goals in fifa :)

Me: Thanks bud but fuck you too!! You’re the reason we lost! But whatev, we can tomorrow J night kid

Him: Goodnight kid love you too man don’t hesitate to talk to me about whatever it is again Im here kid

Me: Thanks man love you (kind of homo) haha jk :)

Him: Hahaha your retarded, go to bed before you don’t wake up for accounting again

Me: haha you right, night bud!

I guess I could of left some of the stuff out about the farting and fifa but wanted to put everything in there to show that how he treated me right after didn’t change and we were bros right after. No lie after reading these messages basically made me feel so much better and I haven’t been stressed out since. Its such a cool feeling to know that he knows ALL of me.

Then last night, we stayed up talking until 5:15 when we both had class at 9am. We talked about his relationships and what I have to go through when a girl likes me. He asked “why don’t you just drop them and not talk to them?” and I was like “I had to act interested to keep eyes off of me.” He understood completely and just laughed and was like you just use them for homework and I just smiled lol. But he told me some secrets about past hookups that he has never told anyone else. I was like “so this week all the secrets are coming out” and we both started cracking up. He is completely cool with and I feel like we are closer than before.

Looking back at the result, I just wonder why I didn’t do it earlier lol but I guess that’s how it goes.

Monday, October 18, 2010

one down, millions to go

Well, I like to first start off by saying...I TOLD SOMEONE!!! haha cant believe I can say that now. Feels weird but fucking awesome as well!!

I told my roommate tonight and he was so cool about it. Like I cant even describe how I feel right now. Its amazing!!

I will post soon about what went down and stuff but its getting late and I have a intro Christianity test tomorrow (actually in like 8 hours) then two tests on Tuesday that I havent even started studying for so later peoples! :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

still here

Lately not too much has happened. Im 20 now. Still in school, still playing soccer, and still in the closet. I have been thinking about tell my roommate though. Its on my mind from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I really don’t understand why I am so afraid to tell him. From all the coming out stories I have heard, there hasn’t been any negative reactions. Hearing these things is what causes me to think about it so much. If everyone’s friends accept them for who they are, shouldn’t mine??

Especially with the media attention on the gay community these past couple of weeks, from the “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and then the suicides of gay kids, I just feel it would be awkward to come out now. It sucks hearing about kids committing suicide as such a young age due to being bullied. I still don’t get why others care if someone is gay or not. It has no effect on them. They had their whole life to live and now its cut short because of such ignorant people.

Monday, September 20, 2010

finally good talk about gays

so today at breakfast, I was sitting with two teammates and the topic of gay people got brought up once again. This time it was positive things being said which made me feel AWESOME on the inside :) lol It started because a guy at another table behind us was wearing a Lady Gaga shirt (this was a concert this past weekend so that might of had something to do with it) but one of my teammates was like "that kid is a fagget for sure." Then the other was like "yeah, he might be but its whatever really. I have some gay friends back home and they are really cool. I have a couple gay guy friends and they are completely normal and you would never notice." Then the other kid responded with "yeah I dont mind them, I know some gay guys too and they just dont show it or flaunt when they are out with us. Like just cause they are gay doesnt mean they have to be all girlie and talk about dick all the time. Like we dont go dry humping all the girls that walk around." As they were discussing this topic, I just sat there and I think I was smiling but I was tryin to hide just for the fact they didnt suspect anything. It was such a good feeling knowing that they didnt mind gays and actually have "normal" gay friends. Looks like things are looking up :)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

a new man?

Well isnt much going on in my life and that has caused the lack of posts. Everything is just along smoothly and its the same stuff but different day really. I have had a couple tests and got A's on both of them. Soccer is getting better. My ankle is finally recovering but now I have a couple muscle strains. Still playing on them and thats probably why they havent been getting better. Just hate sitting out of practice.

There is some good news on the guy situation :) No its not the tennis player but the new guy is better looking and actually talks to me! lol He is funny, cute, smart, gay but "normal", easy to talk too, and basically is me buttttt goes to a different school. Also in a different state haha. I met him through the blog and since we first messaged each other, we havent really stopped talking and I absolutely love it! Its kind of weird how similar we are. Its a weird feeling to have but like if he isnt on chat, I get upset, if he sends me a message, I instantly smile :) He knows what to say to cheer me up and knows what to say to make me laugh. The conversations we have had are the craziest things I have ever told anyone. There are some negatives to this kid though. When I have 8 am classes which are 4 of the 5 days out of the week, he keeps me up til like 3 talking to me! I tell him that I need to go to bed but I end up talking for another hour! He kills me!! But I like it :) Also his favorite food is sushi and if you know what I eat, I hate sushi! So it might not work out :/ hahahaha

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

week in review

Not much has happened. Especially with the tennis kid :( haha I think he dropped the class cause he hasnt showed up since the first day. I did see him Saturday night at a party but didnt talk. Just random eye contact throughout the night. Im awful with signals. Cant tell if someone is looking at me cause they want to hookup  or cause my zipper is down. Every time I see someone look at me, I look down to make sure I dont have stains or anything on me. This school year, seems like people are staring more. I might be paranoid but both me and my roommate noticed it. Kind creeps me out.

On the soccer side of things, I sprained my ankle last Tuesday at practice and have been out since. It swelled up really bad and turned all sorts of colors. Been doing treatment for it everyday and now Im getting back into things.  Yesterday was the first time for cutting and sprinting. It sucked cause we had a game Friday night which I had to sit out and our team lost. Thats the one thing I hate, is having to sit on the bench of a soccer game while we are losing. It suckkkssss!! But we have a game tomorrow which is the first game of the season. Im feeling great today so there is a chance of me playing. My coach told me today I have to do some agility things in order to play so hopefully that goes well.

Other than that, not much is going on at the moment. Still closeted and just hangin out. There have been several instances this past week where I was going to tell my roommate/teammate about my secret but just couldnt bring myself to do it. Maybe soon though??

Well, make the most of today cause tomorrow is never promised. Stay positive :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

telling my teammates??

Telling my teammates about my lil secret could possibly be the hardest things I have ever done. I have debated about it so many times especially recently but I dont think its gonna happen as long as Im on the team. I have debated to just tell my closest teammate who is also my roommate but it seems risky if it slipped out on accident or something.

This is another conversation that some of the guys on the team had that keeps me from telling them:
Today after training, me and five other guys on the team went to dinner at Zaxbys. It was my teammates birthday the other day so we went to celebrate kind of just so we didnt have to eat at the cafeteria. But while we were eating, something came up about gay kids. I dont know how or where it came from. But a teammate (also a roommate of mine now) was like "I could never have a gay child. It would not happen. I wouldnt allow it!" Then some other the guys agreed and said some other stuff about it. But he was like "if my child was gay, I would shoot him." Knowing the guy, he wouldn't shoot anyone. He is one of the nicest kids on the team and never gets mad, always shares his stuff, and lives in a positive kind of manner I guess. I mean it sucked hearing that but thats the stuff that keeps me from saying anything to them at all. Maybe there idea of a gay guy would change if I came out since I play soccer (not to be arrogant or big headed, but Im a big part of the team and they look up to me as a player and person) and Im just a normal chill kid who does the same shit they do except fuck girls. I just dont understand why people give a fuck about other peoples sexuality. Why the hell does it concern them? I dont know, it just pissed off...

But Im glad this blogging thing is here. This has helped so so much! Have talked to some great guys about this stuff and its really helped me. These are some new blogs and pretty sick dudes if you ask me: Not So Open & Obvious, I'm Me, and Average Gay Dude. Should check them out!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

school is back in session

Back to normal school days :( Why cant I just come to school and play soccer? Things would be so much easier!!

So my classes are all pretty cool. Teachers arent too bad. Thinking this semester should be a good one! But got a lil situation in one of my classes. Could potentially be good or could just be nothing. In my micro-economics class there is this kid that sits right next to me. This kid I have seen around school and he is an international student on the tennis team. I always thought he was different and kind of cute. Like last year I would catch him staring or we would make eye contact for somewhat long distances. But he came in to class late and sat right next to me! And our teacher had like a presentation today so he turned off the lights so we could see the screen better. Anyways, I was leaning back in my chair and the kid did the same. Throughout the presentation, he just kept grabbing his dick and like adjusting and stuff. There were people all around us so normally I would think you would try to be discreet about it. Thats what I do at least. And for how much he was adjusting, there had to be something down there. I wouldnt of mind to take a look but he didnt ask haha jk ;) And during this he like moved his knee to where is was touching mine. I might be hoping these are signs but it just doesnt seem normal to do that stuff. Im not friends with him on facebook and Im debating whether to add him but I dont know. Any suggestions or ideas to what the kid might of been hinting at?

And this is a clip that was shown in the presentation. I thought it was awesome and hilarious. Had the whole class laughing so thought I would share!

Monday, August 16, 2010

the locker room

So being on the soccer team with all horny ass college guys, there is no short of conversation in the locker rooms. Something is always being said. From talking about fucking girls, to new underwear, to girlfriend issues, something is always the topic of discussion. And normally it isnt just between a couple of guys. Its the whole team. No one is shy about bringing up things in the locker room. Its like a temple to where it wont be talked about later on anywhere else. (Besides fucking girls). For example, getting new underwear. I think this is possibly the gayest thing besides showing each shaved pubes (dont ask me why this goes on but i dont partake in this). Anyways, they will model them and like look at themselves in the mirror and people will joke around just staring at a guy in underwear. I think its weird and it might just be me but I think that is very gay!

And the reason I wanted to talk about this stuff today was because in the showers this morning after training, the topic was having anal sex with a girl. They were saying how they want to try but women dont want too and stuff like that. If I came out, I know I would be the topic for all jokes. I also just feel weird talking about that stuff. Especially with a group of 20 guys who arent very affectionate towards gays. I cant even imagine that topic being discussed with the team and one gay guy. It just wouldnt go over so smoothly. Like during the talking of this stuff, I throw random stuff out there and normally just laugh at the stuff they say. Its really hilarious but I dont think it would be the same if I was out to them.

Probably me being paranoid again but its whatever. Just got to brush it off :/

Friday, August 13, 2010

back on the grind

So I have been out of the blog world for quite some time now. I have been reading posts but just havent had the time to actually make a post. I will try to recap the past couple weeks in order starting from the beginning:

4 weeks ago...
I was in Utah visiting my best friend at his school. It was so sick! Utah is such a nice place. The mountains, temperature, weather was abosolutely perfect!! Im jealous of my friend that he lives there. He goes to school about an hour an a half outside of Salt Lake. We went to Salt Lake a couple of times and visited the mormon temple downtown and that was pretty cool and did some shopping there. I was up there for about a week and a half. Just chilled and played a shit ton of Fifa lol. I smashed everyone in it. But we went out the first night to a party at a friend of his. I guess it wasnt much of a party but more of just chill kind of thing. Played some beer pong, smoked just chilled. It was cool. There were some guys there that he didnt know and one of the was gay. If he wasnt then he was very feminine and gay acting. Personally not a fan of that type. But during the night he came over and touched my friend and was talking to us then left. My friend turned to me and was like why the hell did that fag touch me. I just laughed and played it off saying he liked him lol. I mean this is the stuff that keeps me locked up inside. I know I shouldnt care what others think but thats a problem I have. Its whatever now but just pissed me off when it happened. The rest of the time there was awesome so I cant complain about that. Went on a hike, did some training, we long boarded soooo much. I never skateboarded or anything like that before. So I learned how to do that there and i love it now. At night we would go this parking garage there and skate down it from the top. Its so chill and relaxing. 

3 weeks ago...
Got back from Utah and had to pack since I was leaving for school in two days from the day I got back. I had to get back to school for preseason. But went out the last night I was there to my friends party. It was fun

2 weeks ago...
So on the way to school our car broke down. We (me and my sister) drive to North Carolina passing through Nashville cause my brothers gf lives there and we can stay there overnight to continue driving the next morning. But we get there and we meet up with my brother (he was there for something) and his gf and go to dinner. On the way back to my brothers gf's place, the transmission blows. My sister was driving and she couldnt accelerate anymore so we took it to the shop the next morning to get fixed. They called us later on in the day and to say it would take a week to fix! My sister had to be back a week before me but I wanted to get there to train and run and stuff. So this was a tuesday and my sis had to be at school the next day. My mom eventually bought her a plane ticket to fly to school so she would be there on time. I ended up staying in Nashville til Sunday just hanging out with my brother and his gf. It was fun. Didnt do much. Ran and played soccer with him. Went out to downtown Nashville one night. It was cool but Im not much a dancer so I just chilled really. It was kind of awkward as well cause it was me, my brother, his gf, and a friend of theirs who is 28 and I was partnered with her :/ lol we got to the club and she was dancing on me trying to get to dance but it was awkward dancing with her and im not much of a dancer. Like I have mixed feelings about the clubs. I think its wierd seeing like 40 year old guys trying to dance with 18 year old girls and fat not good looking girls dance with other girls. I know this isnt every club but there was this stuff happening at this place. Anyways, it was cool I guess and we ended up getting the car back and left on sunday. 

This week...
My mom made my brother drive with me up to school cause she doesnt trust me? She says Im the problem child and im the one she has to worry about. I just like to have fun annddd I got my first speeding ticket a month before I left to school so she didnt want me to get another one. So when I got here, I got right to training trying to get used to the humidity here. Its sucks here! I walk outside and I start sweating. In Dallas, its straight heat but here is a combo of that and humidity. Its awful. But we started preseason yesterday and it sucks so far lol. We had one of our fitness tests in the morning then a bunch of meetins, then our strength test in the afternoon then a training session at night. Today we had training this morning then more meetings, and another training session at 415!! So fucking hot!! and to start to the practice off, we had to do some fitness test that sucked so bad! but its whatever now cause I took a ice bath at 48 F and now Im just chillin and the legs are feeling great! Got to wake up and do our last fitness test though then have another practice at night. Its good to be back at school and playing soccer. Good to see all the guys on the team. And the freshman are all cool too so this year is gonna be a good one I think. One of my roommates hates gays though lol  I think its kind of funny how people dont like other based on sexual preferene. It doesnt make sense. How is what they are doing the bedroom or who they are interested effect them? Dont understand it. Its whatever though.

Feels good to post again and finally let yall know what I have been up to. Sorry about the sloppyness. Didnt reread it or edit. Just a straight flow of my thoughts

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

summer coming to an end

Like I promised, here is my last post of the summer. Dont really know what to say because there isnt much to say. Nothing exciting has happened lately. Tomorrow (or today since its 2 am as Im writing this) I leave for Utah. Im leaving at 7 in the morning to go see one of my best friends at college. This is the friend I was going to come out to but never did. In case if you were wondering, Im not gonna come out to him while Im there. It would be bad if I told him and he didnt approve then Im stuck in Utah alone lol I dont think that would happen but not gonna risk it. From Utah, I fly back to Texas for a day then have to drive 20 hours back to school in North Carolina :( Its such a long, boring drive to school. I would much rather fly but I need a car at school.

Uhhh, there was something I wanted to post yesterday but I forgot! If I think about it, I will blog next time about it. Sorry for a short closing post for the summer but I will be back in about 2 weeks! IF I find alone time, I will try to blog. Until then, stay safe!!

This is a song that is on my main playlist on my iPod at the moment. Its different but Im feeling it

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Saw Inception tonight annnnnnd....it was f'in crazy!! The whole movie was just a mind trip. I really enjoyed it and recommend it to everyone. Just make sure you pay attention the WHOLE movie!! Also there are some very good looking guys in it :)

I will post again tomorrow and that will be my last post of the summer probably :( I leave Wednesday to go see my friend at college then Im headin back to school unfortunately. Where the hell did the summer go?!! Seems like last week I just got home. Hanging with friends and working everyday just kills the time. I did have a good summer though so its all good. Hope everyone else is having a good summer and staying safe!

 Night Guys

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Some facts...

During the time of my blog, I havent really discussed any inside facts about my everyday life. Sooooo I thought I would today.

Where to start??Hmmmm...

Well you all know I LOVE soccer! That is an obvious one. Ever since I could remember I have been kicking a ball. My parents said when I started walking I would just kick the ball around the house for hours then fall a sleep and get right back up and do it again. I was born into a soccer family so I think the passion for the game is in my blood. My dad grew up playing soccer and is still involved in the game. My mom is the odd one out cause she played tennis which isnt bad but it sure isnt soccer! My older and sister both play soccer and so does my little brother. Im obviously the best one (they might disagree) but its the truth :)

The most recent and where my heart is now is in my iPhone! lol Might sound dorky but Im into technology and ever since apple came out with it,  I have been dieing to get one. Buuuttt since Im f'in T-Mobile (which suckss!!) I have never been able to get one. The funny thing is that Im still T-Mobile though! My friend just got the iPhone 4 so he sold me his 3G and unlocked it for me. I know its the not the newest one but nonetheless its an iPhone and Im happy with it. I got it 2 days ago and I havent been able to set it down. (its in my lap at the moment since Im typing) but its the best phone ever. Even though I have the iPod touch its just not the real deal like the phone.

Other interesting fact: Im a beast at ping-pong! lol Might be trying out for the Olympic Table Tennis Team is soccer doesnt work out. Just kidding but it would be cool to do that. I think its insane how professional ping-pong players put so much spin on the ball and stand like 15 ft from the table and still smash the ball. We have a table in our game room where me and my older brother play. We keeps tabs on who is in the lead and Im currently winning by a couple games. My dad is slightly better than me but I can beat him occasionally. 

Another fact is that I am the PICKIEST eater. And this is the truth. Being an athlete you would think I eat my daily fruits and vegetables but I dont. I have a very small menu I choose from. I dont eat fruits, vegetables, seafood, mexican (besides plain tacos), asian, or really anything. My favorite food is fried chicken :) This is definitely not the best food for me but I gots to have it!! I dont know why Im like this or how I got like this because when I was a little kid, I ate everything. Its like a switch got flipped off. This does cause problems when we got eat with friends or when I go on soccer tournament trips. But for 19 years of my life, I have survived. And Im still healthy! lol I could be healthier but its just how my taste buds works.

I guess thats about it. It wasnt too many facts but just some things I havent mentioned. Hope everyone has been safe and continues to stay safe!

later dudes

Friday, July 2, 2010

an idol

So someone I look up to in the gay community is Gareth Thomas. He is a Welsh rugby player who is openly gay. He came out last December and is the only professional athlete out and still active. Rugby is not the most gay-friendly sports and Thomas seems to fit right in as being gay. I guess it helps being one of the greatest Welsh rugby players but I think there is some progress being made. 

I found out about Gareth Thomas a couple months back and thought it was so cool he was out and still playing. I read a couple things about him and what he has accomplished. Its amazing how much he has done in the sport of rugby. It would be awesome if an American athlete came out but Im not sure when that will happen. I think if a football player came out, it would change some attitudes or at least show the fans true attitudes towards a gay athlete.

Gareth Thomas had an interview for HBO Real Sports and I watched it today. It aired I think 2 weeks ago but finally found alone time to watch it. It was awesome! Makes me like him even more. Here is a clip of the interview below. I recommend other athletes watching it.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


So I'm sure you all know that the United States men's soccer team made it to the round of 16. They did it in dramatic fashion as well! It was such a good game to watch and Im so happy that they ended up winning. Now they play tomorrow against Ghana. Its going to be a good game for sure. I honestly dont know who will win. It better be USA though!!

Yesterday I took my lil bro to see The Karate Kid and it was freakin sick! I had no idea it was going to be as good as it was. Definitely better than the original in my opinion. I dont want to ruin the movie just in case yall see it, but the fight scenes are really intense. Had a really good message to the movie as well. It had two but kind of similar to me. "Life can knock you down but you can choose whether or not to get back up" and "Never say never." 

Thats about it for now. I apologize for my awful writing btw lol. I read other blogs and they are such well written and Im so jealous! Like I said previously, Im not of a writer :/ Anyways...Goooooooo USA!!!! :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

probs the longest post ever

Sooooooooooo...this is long overdue but I have just been so busy with summer! New job and friends and working out for soccer occupies 99% of my time. I have no idea where the other 1% goes. Time flies during the summer!!

Where to start?? Ummmmm. Well I was going to come out to my best friend but didnt :( This was about a week ago before he went back for summer school. We are basically attached at the him. His house is my second home so we are always together. And for some reason when I was thinking about telling him, we were always alone together! It was like a sign to tell him. Cause normally we are with our friends but during the day our other friends had work so we would just hang out. But I really thought I was going to go through with it. One night about 1 in the morning, I even sent him a text saying I had to tell him something. He didnt reply cause he was a sleep but the next day he didnt bring up the text until we were with his mom. I didnt think that would be the best time to come out to him so I was just like I will tell you later. I wish he would of asked again what it was but he didnt. I couldnt bring myself to tell him out of the blue. Its such a freakin hard thing to talk about. "Hey dude, I like guys." That would be would so awkward to say to my best friend!!!! I wish there was some other way to tell him. Anyways, he is back at school and Im still in the closet :/ Its whatever though because if I told him, I would feel obligated to tell our other good guy friend cause us three dont really keep secrets. (My case is a lil different though) So its all water under the bridge as of right now. Try not to think about it so I dont get worried about it.

Next subject: My job... So I got this job at an indoor sports facility place. Its pretty sweet really. Its has 12 basketball courts, an indoor soccer field, workout center, and batting cages. What I do is work an all day sports camp. We just play sports literally all day. From 8:30 am to about 5:30ish pm. We play dodge-ball, basketball, volleyball, soccer, wiffle ball, football, capture the flag, really any type of game. Its basically and all day recess for kids and really all day recess for me lol. I get paid to play sports with little kids. Its sooooo much fun. I love playing different sports and I love kids too so probably the best job for me. Im pretty good with kids and the kids love me. Probably the best counselor there I must say :) Its awesome playing soccer with them. I get carried away though sometimes. The kids tell me not to play so hard but I dont like losing lol. I dont like get physical and push kids, its just I mess with them by doing moves. Its funny watching them trying to get the ball too. Another thing about this camp is the silly bandz!!! If you havent heard of these things, you must be living under a rock. Every camper has them. (for people who dont know what they are; its just a rubberband thats is shaped as an object like an animal or car or shoe. anything really) But these bandz are serious business at my job. They trade them to each other and its funny how the deals go down. Like there are sparkly ones, normal ones, tie-dye, and glow in the dark. You cant trade a normal one for a glow in a the dark cause thats a dumb trade apparently to the kids. I have my own of course and I get in on these trades. I got made fun of for trading a 5 color spider for a yellow camel :( lol But its just funny. I absolutely love this job! Except a kid got sick and puked everywhere today :/

Now to some random things that have happened. Most recent was last night. I was accused of being a man-whore!!! WTF!! I have never had a girlfriend let alone sleep with a girl lol. But we were at our friends house just a group of like 7 of us drinking and stuff. Turned out to be one loud ass argument the whole night though. I was dieing laughing the whole time. The discussion was why should a gf&bf break up now or wait til the end of summer before they go to college. This whole thing turned the guys against the girls. I lead the guys (ironic) and some girl lead the girls lol. But I was just saying they would wait cause the guy would want to have sex during the summer. The girls completely disagreed but all the guys agreed with me. I was saying a guy would have more sex if he went out with a girl for a year rather then being single for a year. All they guys agreed but they girls didnt. I may be gay but I know how a guy thinks. The guys had my back as I argued cause they all agreed. It was funny cause when I was arguing, the girls were like "You know what, I always thought you (talking to me) would be the best boyfriend. But now I just see you as a man-whore." LOL!! I was cracking up inside. Im the nice guy I guess compared to my friends (might be cause im gay) but the them thinking I would be the best bf then sayin Im a man-whore and dont respect women. Never slept with one but apparently I am. Go figure lol.

Ummmmmm...What the hell is goin on with the World Cup?!! This thing is absolutely crazy. Teams that should win have lost and teams that should of lost have won. The biggest upset for me was the Spain game where they lost 1-0 in their opener. Im pulling for them cause I love the way they play. Such a classy style of soccer. Other game that almost killed me was the US game. Wanted to kill that ref lol Seems like a lot of people did. What an idiot! He doesnt even know what the call was to call the goal back. I was yelling so loud at the TV when it happened. Im for sure waking up in the morning to watch their final group match. If they win they are through. They should win. If they dont, they dont deserve to go to the next round. Other thoughts about the world cup...there are some good looking guys. Im loving the New Zealand and Australian teams :) I cant even pick the hottest guy out there cause there are so many.

Well, I know it was a lot and good job if you read it all!! It was a lot of pointless stuff that is filling my life right now.  Hopefully the US wins in the morning. Im gonna try to post more often. I have been thinking a lot about this whole gay thing but just been bottling it up. Need to get back to blogging my emotions out. Gonna get to bed now so laterzzzz

Friday, June 4, 2010

Why is it so hard?

Why cant I just come out to say somebody? I think about it all the time and how bad I want too. I dont know the effects of what will happen but at this point, I'm getting anxious to know.

After reading Taylor's post, I want to tell my friend right now! If they aren't going to accept me now, why would they in a few months? This is how I feel about the situation, but there is still something holding me back. It sucks :(

Well I dont know, Im laying in bed thinking about it and I cant sleep. Congrats to Taylor and big ups to him for having the courage to come out. Hopefully when I tell my friend, it will have the same ending.

-On the upside, had our first game tonight:we won and I scored. We have to win tomorrow if we want to advance.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

back after a break

Well well well... I took a break from blogging just for personal reasons. I guess its mainly cause I havent had much to say. Nothing really popping off in my life lately.

These summers nights have consisted of chilling and drinking with friends. We just hang out at someones house and play beer pong or whatever. I love the feeling of being here with my friends. Its weird though. I always wonder if I will keep in touch with these people. I have a core group of like 10 that are always together. Like when we are all done with college, are we going to talk still? I know facebook helps to keep in touch but I wonder if will will "BFF" lol... But last week I went to the Drake concert. It was my first time going to a concert so I didnt know what to expect. It was so sickkk! I had a great time with my friends. He is one of my favorite rappers so it was awesome to see him live.

This coming Thursday is my first soccer game for my old team. Im kind of nervous since I havent played with these guys in a year. I know we have all been to school but hopefully I didnt get worse or anything. I just hope we win so our coach doesnt kill us or anything. He is dick to us. (He is very good looking though :) )

Thats about it really. I will try to blog again soon. Thanks to all those who do blog though. Even though I havent blogged, I still read those who do! Its awesome to know there are others out there like me. Gay Footballer might be the closest since he plays soccer though lol. Well keep blogging everyone!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

summer summer summer

So far this summer has been awesome. It might be just because I'm not having to go to class and I'm home, but doesnt matter since Im having a blast. The only negative is that I have been busy with something all the time. I guess I cant complain though since Im enjoying it. Dont get much alone time cause I with my friends all the time too. Love that though since I havnt seen them in a while. And I get to play soccer and workout everyday when I want. The freedom of summer is the best feeling!!

Tonight I went to the dollar theater with some friends (and it was 50 cent Tuesdays so it was even better!! lol) But we saw "She's out of my League." It was freaking awesome. I love comedy movies and this one was much better than I expected. The funny thing was that I could relate to some of the things have happened to the main guy. So many awkward situations between the guy and the girl during the "sexy" parts that made it hilarious. Would for sure recommend the movie if your a comedy lover like myself.

That's about it really since haven't done much besides play soccer, workout, and hang with friends. Nothing interesting to report on but will post later on in the week.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


I am finally home and its summertime. I have been waiting for this time since last August when school first started lol. My days will be filled with soccer, working out, working, and hanging out with friends (and golf). This might be one of the busiest summers I have had. Im just happy its here now.

These past couple of weeks have been crazy. Studying for finals and packing up everything took all my time. It was such a good feeling when I walked out of class on Thursday after my last final. Now I have to wait for my grades to be posted online. (Crossing my fingers for a 4.0) 

Its such a good feeling knowing I dont have to wake up and go to class at 8. And sleeping in MY own bed. The dorm beds dont cut it with comfort. They arent bad but I could sleep all day in my bed. Its bad sometimes when I dont wake up until noon but it doesnt matter since its summer :)

Well, I will try to keep up the posting. Hopefully I will have some interesting posts coming up. Thanks for reading and take care!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

getting caught up

So I havent posted in a couple days. I have been super busy with school coming to a close and having to get things set for the summer. But some fun things have occured within the past 24-hours that I would like to share.

Things that might help to understand this. I talked about two girls in my previous posts. They both like me and one helps with my homework and stuff and the other just likes me. I will just call homework girl 1 and the other girl that likes me 2. (not sure if this will help but thought my story might get hard to understand if I didnt. Dont want to use names just for personal reason.)

It started last night when we went out. We downtown to a club as a team. It was the first time I went to the club since I have been at school. Im not the dancer type so clubs dont really appeal to me (unless I have had a couple of drinks). It was just the last time to go out before school ended and we didnt have school today so I thought why not. But we went to a kids house on the team to drink some before we went to the club. That helped a little while I was there to loosen me up. And the whole day I  have been texting girl 2 about tonight so we would meet up at the club. She was wanting me to come out so we could dance and stuff. (girl 2 is the one that likes me...see above lol.)

So we got there kind of early so we could pay $5 instead of $10. College budget these days :) haha. We basically just posted up on the bar until more people got there. It was packed with guys at the beginning which wasn't bad for me but not for my teammates for obvious reasons lol. None were my type though. I was up in the sky as well if you know what I mean. I dont do it often but it was a team bonding thing that night. Everything was super slow and I just noticed the little things. Its just weird sitting back and watching how people act in those enviroments. I was analyzing everything. It was freaking me out how much I noticed. It's funny seeing the awkward moments that happen at clubs. Ex: Two girls are just talking and a guy starts dancing on one, then the other girl just stands there staring while her friend is basically having sex in front of her. Those things just crack me up haha. Anyways, when more people starting showing up, it got better. There were a ton of people from my school there too. Its weird seeing them and talking to them at the club but we dont speak a word to each other in class. And both girls that liked me showed up too. Girl 1 found me and pulled me from the bar to dance. Like I said earlier, Im not a dancer. But she wasnt having that. She basically dragged me to the dance floor. There were some awkward moments cause she kept looking me in the eyes and like really getting into. But she was grabbing my hands and rubbing them against her tits and other places lol. I was like alright this is weird cause I dont like her at all and I dont want her to think I do. (At previous parties, she is always over me and tells other people that she wants me to have sex with her but I dont want to for obvious reasons ;) ) Anyways, during the dance, she asks "Why aren't you into this?" When I heard this, I like froze on the inside and was like "uhhhhh..." I quickly said "I just dont like dancing." She didnt seem happy when I said that but whatever. Once that song was done, I saw my friend walk behind me so I just grabbed him and put him behind her and said have fun! lol I just wanted ot get away from that girl. I avoided her the rest of the night. 

After escaping from girl 1, I was just posted up near my roommate talking about random girls and stuff. Showing that I am interested and stuff. But out of nowhere, girl 2 grabs my hand and says "lets dance!" I couldnt say no really cause she has been telling me were going to dance at some point during the night and I was just trying to get it over with. I basically just stood there while she did her thing on me. It was fun and the music was on point. We danced for a long time too. She kept turning around and getting really close to my face. After a couple of songs, she gave me a kiss and this lead to a makeout session on the dance floor in  front of my whole team. I didnt want this to happen for the fact that I knew I was gonna get shit. She is cute and really chill so I was like whatever. After that kiss, she was hooked to me. I got tired from dancing so I told her I had to go to the bathroom which I didnt but I had to get away. I went to find my roommate to talk about what happened. He was already giving me shit for it lol. As I was talking to him, a girl that I talk to occasionally wanted to dance so I danced with her for like half a song until girl 2 saw and came and jumped in lol. The rest of the night I just danced with her. Overall it was fun and I had a good time. I guess if girl 2 didnt grab me to dance, I would of been by the bar the whole night so that was a plus. I could of done without the hookup though lol.

So that was Thursday night for you lol. I know it was long but had to get all off my chest. Then Friday, me and two teammates when to this quarry thing to cliff jump. I didnt mind do to it since they said it was like 30-40 ft. But I had no idea it was gonna be how big it was when I got there. It was huge!! I was freakin out when I saw that. My heart was racing and my hand and whole body was shaking. My friends jumped off first just to make sure there was nothing in the water to hit. They did it fine so I thought might as well go for it. I did and I felt so accomplished. My heart was racing so fast when I landed. It was by far the most intense thing I have ever done.

Well, thats about it. Left some stuff out but I thought I shared too much on this post lol. good to be back on here!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

the whole blog thing

So as most people in the blog world know "Mikey," the gay hockey player from Minnesota, is not real. This came as a huge shock to many. Even to me. He was looked upon as an idol and hero to many closeted kids across the US. I even read his blog from time to time and was part of the reason why I started. (Main reason was Craig though). But I still cant find the words to describe how I feel about this situation. Angry, betrayed, hurt, confused, lost. These dont even do justice to how I feel. Why would someone toy with others emotions and feelings. Especially kids younger than mine who looked up to him. People religiously read his blog and emotionally connected with him. This was all crushed after a post stating it was a lie. I wasn't going to post about this event but felt that I had too express my thoughts as well. It doesn't affect me too much because I didnt read it that often but I cant say the same for others. I have seen kids in their blogs saying that they broke down crying because this was the death of a friend, a good friend. It hurts me to see this. I'm in the same situation as others across the world and it sucks to be closeted. And to have someone to talk to means the world. Lying to family and friends sucks but when you can turn to someone and feel that they truthfully care, means a lot. Mikey was this friend to many and for him to hurt others kills me. Its beyond me why some cruel man would do this. I guess its not definite that its a hoax but it sure seems like it. If there is a real Mikey and he was trying to get out of the blog world, he probably could of gone about doing it some other way.

This whole thing sucks. I cant believe this has happened and has caused so many problems. I am sorry to anyone who got hurt and just know you are not alone!

This song I came across while playing a video game and absolutely loved it. I listen to music to relieve stress and get away from everything. Helps to calm me down and let me think...

Friday, April 23, 2010

this guy

So in one of my classes, there is a guy that stares at me all the time. I have caught him numerous times just eying me. Its awkward when I catch him because its that unwanted eye contact. I don't really know if he is in too me but I just find it weird that he keeps looking at me. I wouldnt mind if he was in to me because he is a good looking guy. I just wish there were some other clues he would give me to let me know this. This has been going on all semester and now that it is coming to an end, I wish I did something about it. I dont know how I would go about doing so, but I wish I did.

Today in class, I was doing the looking and he turned and made eye contact. This was a longer than usual one also. I dont know what I could do to get his attention and without putting myself in a bad situation. I wouldnt want to be the one to ask him and for him to completely deny it. Then it would put me in a bad spot. I dont have any other classes with him and I dont even see him any other time. Probably wont pursue it just to avoid embarrassment.

Kind of a random thing but had to get it off my mind

Thursday, April 22, 2010

wish this was true

Saw this quote before but came across it on my friends fb page today. Wish it was this simple and wish I could live by it...

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."


Why is so hard to be true myself and everyone else around me?

I have to lie constantly to cover up for my "dark secret." It shouldn't be something to hide either. My friends don't hide that they like women. Why should I have to hide that the like men? It doesn't make sense to be looked down upon or be made fun of by others based on sexual preferences. Even if I did come out, I wouldn't go running around my college screaming "I'm gay!" I wouldn't tell anyone without them asking about me.

I wonder how long it will be until being gay is just another thing. No big deal is made about it and people don't look at you weird. Im not sure if it will happen in my lifetime but I hope it does. People should be treated equally and not be hated on because of what sex they like.

Living a lie is a hard thing to deal with. I think about it everyday what it would be like if people knew about me. "How would my family treat me" or "how would my friends treat me" are the two questions that keep me from coming out. I don't want to be the outsider in my family or friends.

It would be awesome if nothing changed at all and no one cared about it. But I don't know if that could happen...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

how it is

Yesterday was such a stressful day. I had to finish my final english paper that could determine my grade. Its all good though because I got help from my friend again lol. I didn't get to bed until 3 but I got it done. Then I had to wake up at 6 for a practice that was fitness. This didn't make sense either since we have our last spring game tomorrow but thats what soccer is...

Today I'm going to the driving range with some buddies from the team to hit some balls. Like I said the other day, I'm hooked on golf again. If soccer doesn't work out, might have to sign up for the Masters haha.

There really isn't much to talk about these days. I had a solid week of posting but now its starting to slow down. It is weird though since I started this blog, I have had more conversations about people being gay. It seems like its talked about every other day now. I might be paranoid but I keep hearing it. Like today at breakfast with my team: some kid walked by who looked gay. (Kids these day can judge by how they walk and how they dress). But the kid walked by and my teammate asked if he was gay. Then someone said "probably, look at the fag walk." The other kid responded by saying thats gross and disgusting. These are the conversations that keep myself from coming out. It sucks hearing these especially from kids that would have to deal with it if I did come out.

Here are some lyrics are from my favorite song at the moment:
"I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life"
-Kid CuDi

here is the link to the song...

(not sure how to work the links too well yet)

-Wish it was these easy to tell people how I feel but its just how it is...

Sunday, April 18, 2010


Last night was a blast. (I didn't bring the girl back but she was all over me the whole night!) But it was a huge party at a teammates house. People were inside, outside, the driveway, just everywhere. It was a good turnout with a lot of my friends there. I think it would of been better if I was under the influence a little lol but I didn't drink. I wasn't in the mood at the time when I got there and I was already enjoying myself as I was. I ended up playing beer pong with my teammate and didnt lose for the longest. It probably helped since I was sober and we were playing against guys that couldn't stand straight. The bad part was trying to get people home. Since I didn't drink, I had to drive some kids home but I left my car at school. The girl that likes me gave me a ride back to school then I had to drive back to get my friends. Didn't end up going to bed til 4 but I got a good sleep. My roommates alarm went off at 730!! It was on his bed and he couldn't turn it off so I got up to shut it off then I went right back to bed and didn't wake up until 2!! That was the longest I have ever slept but it was well needed.

When I woke up, I saw I got a text from a girl that helps me with my homework :) Its a plus being in the closest because girls will do anything if they like you. This girl has helped me this past semester with my english papers. Like I said I'm not the best writer especially if its for a grade. So I just hang out with her some and in return she helps me with my papers. It might be wrong doing this but who will know lol. So I went to library for 2 hours with her and she basically edited my whole paper that's due Tuesday. I wrote it but my professor wasn't really happy with it so friend offered to help. Its my work just with a little help of editing and organizing :)

Well, I will tell a little about my issue. I haven't talked much about my personal situation other than that I am gay. There really isn't much at all. I am gay and closeted. None of my friends or family knows. I have been trying to find the courage to tell my two best friends but I'm afraid of their reactions. I don't know how I would tell them either. They both go to different schools in completely different states. I was thinking I might hint at it over the summer if the time is right. These are my best friends and have been for a long time. I have known one of them since kindergarten then the other one since 8th grade. When I'm home, I'm always with one or the other. We do everything together really. Play sports, hang out, party, just everything. I really don't know how they will take. I remember one conversation I had with them about a gay thing. It was like "What it be like if your friend came out after knowing them and sleeping over at their houses? Then the other replied "Well you probably don't know your best friend then if you don't know their gay." I guess I just hide it that well that they have no idea. I guess if you knew me, you wouldn't suspect anything either but it sucked hearing that. Its whatever really because I love those guys to death. They are like brothers to me. I think they would be fine with it. Some things might change but not much. Or I hope they don't :/

Saturday, April 17, 2010

what a great day

Today might of been one of the most productive Saturdays I have had at school so far. Normally its either little basketball game with some friends or just chilling all day but wasn't like that today. Woke up at 7:30 after going to bed at 3 yesterday, to go do community service. Our team did landscaping for houses that were being flipped to sell to lower income professionals like teachers, firefighters, police, etc. It was fun but sooooo hard. We had to plant trees and flowers in the ground which seemed to be concrete (not really but was hard to break). I got a whole body workout from doing this. After we were done the yards (did two) looked awesome. Had trees, flowers, and grass. That was the first time I have ever done landscaping like that but its cool how spending a couple hours working can transform the whole look of the house. And it felt good knowing it was going to benefit someone else (not just saying that, actually mean it) lol.

But after that, me and two teammates when to the golf course and played nine holes. Lets just say I am a bit rusty. I havent played in years due to a tragic golf accident lol When I was like nine (I think) I was at golf camp and we were driving to the first hole with the golf cart. And there was an overflow of kids on the cart and I was hanging on the edge with a weak grip. Well you can imagine what happened next. I fell off and scraped my face, my knees and basically my whole body. After that was my last time lol But today was a good day on the course (we walked to avoid injuries). My friends were really good and were teaching me how to swing again. Probably going to start golfing more often when I have time.

Then me and my roommate ordered some pizza for dinner. We just chilled and watched his favorite team play. Club America is his team but they lost :) lol And now just getting ready to go out to a party. The funny thing is there is this girl that is all over me and my room mate wants me to bring her back for him to watch us but thats not gonna happen. And he asked me what I had against pussy? lol I just laughed and said Im not into her but yall know the truth ;)

Well got to go and get crazzyyyy!! haha

so i was thinkin...

This blog is pretty interesting to me. I never thought it would be this easy to express my thoughts. I just wish I say all this out my mouth to someone and express what I really am. I know my blog is called "My double Life," but I don't have a double life :/ I have a single life that is made up of lies. It sucks having to know acknowledge the fact that this is true, but its reality. I cant even have a double life because I am afraid of getting figured out.

I still think this blog is cool since I can actually express my self, but it would just be better if I could express them in words.

Friday, April 16, 2010

tired and confused

Well this could be a quick one because of how tired I am. I am exhausted from my soccer game tonight. We tied and I scored :) but it still sucks we tied. (its like kissing your sister) and I would not want to do that! But anyways for my thoughts that I said I was going to talk about. They kind of changed tonight. Instead I am going to talk about an instance that happened on the way back from our game...

So we were in the van on our way back to our school just talking about random stuff. Mainly all old stuff like when we were in elementary and middle school. And there was like seven guys in the van I rode in. But we got on the subject of Lance Bass because one my teammates said he met him and some other famous person. And this lead to talking about Lance being gay. My friends were asking questions like how did his band-mates not know he was gay and why is he gay and just random shit. But then MY room mate asked a question that involved me. And he was like "What if you were gay and liked dick then five years down the road you came out." Then he said it would be weird not knowing then finding out and just thinking back that you changed in front of me naked and I would get hard or something... I just laughed to play it off but I felt weird on the inside. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. It wasn't the right time and I'm not ready to say anything. Its just gonna be weird coming out five years down the road and he is gonna have to think those thoughts for real.

But this was just an awkward moment for me. I felt I should of said something, but that could of been a HUGE mess if I did. I did need any problems on top of the stuff I have to deal with already.

Like I said, it would be a quick one cause I'm exhausted but will be back tomorrow.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

new day

Well today is a new day and have to look at it like that after such a disappointment yesterday. But got a spring game today and can't wait til kickoff.

Don't have much time because I leave for my game soon so I will post some of my thoughts later tonight. Have a good amount I need to get off my mind :/

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

come on gunners!

Today is a big day for my team, Arsenal (this is a soccer team in the English Premier League). But they play Tottenham Hotspur today and this is a crucial game for both teams. Arsenal is just 3 points behind the leaders Chelsea and Tottenham is fighting for a 4th place finish to get into the Champions League next season. Arsenal can't drop anymore points if they want to win the league (which they will) but its going to be hard with so many key injuries. Also they are coming back from a tough loss to Messi lol They actually lost to Barcelona but Messi is the main player on their team and probably the best player in the world right now. He destroyed Arsenal single-handily. It was a heartbreaker to watch.

Tomorrow is also a big day for me. We have one of our last spring games. It sucks our spring season is coming to an end but also good because it means school is almost out!! I am just glad I can play tomorrow. The injury I picked up on Monday magically disappeared over night and I was fine the next morning. I hate sitting out with injuries! Its one of the worst feelings. Cant help the team in anyway and have to watch your team play the game you love. It sucks!

Got lifting and training so I might post later if my team comes through with a victory :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

the transistion

The struggles of being a closeted college kid is that I feel like I'm missing out on my college experience. I'm not saying I want to go out and hook up with every guy that is in sight, but I want to try things. I'm very inexperienced when it comes to sex: with both genders. In high school I hooked up with a few girls just to say I did and fit in but it didn't feel right. I wasn't satisfied and felt weird doing it. I didn't do much with them but I knew it wasn't for me.

Here at school, when we go out, I just talk to girls. I wont take the chance of trying to hook up with a guy here. It sucks too because its hard when a girl is throwing herself at me and my teammates are telling me to "smash that," there isn't much I can do. I just say not tonight or I'm not in the mood. Then I have to deal with the guys calling me a pussy and stuff, but its whatever, it gets old. I guess I bring it upon myself since I talk to the girls as well. I do that to try to show interest and lead them on then I just cut it off. I think its funny but the guys on my team don't.

And... the thing that really keeps me from coming out, is that I have a family member that attends school with me. I wouldn't want them to get ridiculed or anything for my "problem." I don't think it would happen, but I don't want to take that risk. Its just hard not being able to be my true self. Its a big lie that I live with and seems it will continue for a while.

what a day

Today might have been one of the longest days in awhile. Started off with an early morning and ended with a late night with no nap in between...

Started today off with 7 am practice which didn't go so well. In our warmup I pulled something near my groin. It hurt so bad and I knew right then I did something bad, so I had to sit out the rest of practice. Later on I went to the trainers and our team doctor couldn't even figure what was wrong. It hurt to pass the ball and walk but when he was moving my leg in every direction, there was no pain. It didn't help that it was in the most awkward place possible. It was right in between my legs where the groin is but it was more inside but its hard to explain. It was weird cause he was feeling all around down there to see if he could find a pull and it was right next to my "package" (don't know what else I should call, how appropriate it should be). Kind of awkward with him rubbing down there and there were other athletes getting treated just looking at us like what is he looking for.

Anyways, today was also a day for lessons apparently. In our weekly religion class that all students have to attend, we had a guest minister speaker talk about his life and what troubles he has had. He had a lot and it made my problem seem little. His ranged from his wife have a brain tumor, to his kid almost dying, to him living with skin cancer. I find it hard to complain about m problem since mine isn't life threatening like his all were. He told a quote to us that he said helped get him through his troubles. "Life isn't about finding ways to avoid the storm, but it's learning how to dance in the rain." I didn't get what he meant by this until he explained it but I thought it was cool. I will probably use in the future. Then tonight we had a speech that all the athletes at our school had to attend which was about hazing.The speaker came to our school to talk about why it is a problem and what we should do to avoid it. I can't think of a time that I was hazed or my friends were hazed. Maybe I got lucky and I guess I did because he told some stories about kids that were hazed and didn't end happy. I really don't understand why kids or anyone would do things like that. I know its probably not on purpose, but think before you act. Its stupid to lose a life over something so small.

I also had lifting today that went well. I love getting to work out and see the results. I wish I didn't have to go to class and I could just play soccer and workout all day. That would be the life! When we got back from lifting, me and my roommate did the P90X ab workout. That thing is insane!!! Those people are machines. There is no way those are average people. They didn't take any breaks and they didn't even break a sweat. I was dying the whole time. Its the hardest ab workout to do. And the thing about my roommate is, is that he is very "showy" I guess. He always walks around in his underwear or sometimes nothing. I think its awkward but I don't think he does. Then when I'm taking my shower after him, he just stands there naked having a complete conversation with him. I don't find him attractive because he isn't my type but it might be bad if I did lol. But he does have a girlfriend so nothing would happen anyways.

Well, thats what a typical day for me is like. I will get into more personal stuff as I write more.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

not sure

I am not the best writer and I don't really like English so its weird that I'm writing this.

So I am not to sure what to write besides what I do during the day. And since I havent done anything today, I dont have much to write lol Today are the days I love. Sunday is my complete relaxation day. I have been in bed all day besides when I went to lunch and get dinner. Me and my roommate played some xbox and that was my excercise for the day. The weekends are my days I get to sleep in. For soccer, we have practice at 7 am every morning so waking up at 6 am gets old fast. I use Saturday and Sunday to catch up on my lost sleep. I'm normally exhausted on the weekends from my long weeks with soccer and school.

Being on the soccer, doesn't allow much alone time. I'm always with a teammate, no matter where I am. My roommate is on the team as well and thats the person I spend most of my time with. We have had a lot of conversations talking about sex and stuff but I try to keep it about him. He is a relationship with someone back home and when there is a problem (which is frequent), I can tell and we talk about that. He always tries to get me to hook up with a girl here but I dont want it (for obvious reasons). When we go out and a girl hits on me, he always tries to get me to bring a girl back since he cant. He is trying to live his college life through me lol but I just say Im not in the mood for it tonight. Hanging around the guys all the time, they talk about hook ups and the girls they were with, when this happens I just listen and laugh. I think its funny all the stuff they say about with their hookups. Its normally the talk of the locker room when someone hooks up with a girl over the weekend.

Might be confusing following my thoughts but I will try straighten them out after a couple of posts

Saturday, April 10, 2010

first post

Okay, so I started this blog in order to vent some of my emotions that I can't tell anyone else. Reading other blogs about similar situations has inspired me to do this. It seems that it has helped with others so thought I might give this a chance...

I am a division one college soccer player in the state of North Carolina. I am just the average student-athlete. But, I am gay...or at least I think I am. This is one thing that makes me different among my teammates. I haven't told anyone and I don't think I will for a while. It's a hard issue to bring up among a bunch of college guys that like to go out and hook up with any girl that talks to them. Keeping such a big secret sucks but after a while, I have learned to deal with it.

Not sure what else to write since this is my first time but I will get back at this tomorrow!