Well its been a while since my last post but thats mainly because nothing has really gone on. I guess the biggest that has happened to me was that soccer ended which blows. Ended about 3 weeks ago cause we didnt make it to the NCAA tournament. It sucks not making it then seeing other teams that we beat or tied made it through. We were good enough to make it but we just fucked up on stupid things.
Still only out to one person which is my roommate/teammate. Haven't talked to much about it just cause its not a big deal really. He doesn't mind it and it doesn't affect him. He acts the EXACT same way as he did which is cool. Still does really gay stuff that surprises me that he hasn't came out yet lol. I have debated whether telling two other teammates but just haven't got myself to bring it up. One of them I was going to tell but then he sent me a video from ebaumsworld talking about gays and stuff and he was like "wasn't that hilarious?" I just said "eh not really" then went on talking about something else.
Last week I was in "be alone" type of mood and didnt want to hang around my friends which made them mad but whatever. They would joke around with me but I wasnt in that playful mood to do that and then they would give me shit and I isolated myself for a couple of days. Like thinking about this stuff makes me feel alone and not connected with everyone else. I know they are my friends and I love chilling with them, but even when Im having fun, this gay stuff is ALWAYS on my mind. It occupies so much of my time just thinking about it. I honestly fucking hate it and which there was some way to get it off my mind. I thought telling one person would ease that but it hasnt. To some degree it has but I mean its still on my mind. I guess by telling my roommate, it just gives me an outlet to talk to someone in person but even if I talk to him, he still doesnt fully understand what its like.
We finally got off for Thanksgiving break which is sick cause I really need a break from school buttt Im not even going home. Im stuck at school :( It really sucks cause I want to go home so bad. I miss my family and my friends a lot! Kind of getting home sick.There isnt anything to do here at school either. Im not too sure what Im going to be doing all day since everything on campus is closed lol My friend left his room open so I could ps3 but I think that might get old after a couple of hours. Why cant it be summer already!! haha
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I get you when you say that the gay thing is always on your mind. Like when I meet new people, I just start thinking about how that one guy was really cute and wondering if he is gay too. Makes me feel real bad that's the first thing that comes to mind. Hopefully this is something we grow out of.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorta in your shoes, but not really. I don't spend much time obsessing about the whole gay thing. but I'm totally happy in the closet here. The only people who know about me are the dudes I hook up with!
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I read quite a few of these blogs, and even have one of my own.
Your comment is not unique. I've read lots of others that felt like once they "came out" things would change, and the pressure would be relieved.
Most have exclaimed, like you have, that it just wasn't that big a deal when they DID come out, and the inner turmoil they were experiencing didn't diminish much.
Since I haven't gone through this, and really don't plan on it, I guess I'm in no position to offer any advise, but that won't stop me from trying.
Good luck, and if it's possible, try not to worry yourself too much. I'm sure it's a bigger problem inside your head, than out in the real world.
Drew- Well I mean thats not totally what i meant by how its always on my mind. I was talking about how Im always thinking im lying or putting up a fake personality to hide the fact Im like this. I guess if I see a good looking guy I think about that, but its more that I would rather not be gay and just be normal.
ReplyDeleteJack- Thanks man! I understand it is more of a mental thing than physical but its just something I try not to think about but its always there.
This was a good post. Probs because I think exactly like you. Im sure you were expecting alot of the gay thoughts that take over your mind 24/7 to go away for the most part after telling your friend. I thought the same exact thing when I finally came out to my brother.
ReplyDeleteDont get me wrong, it did...very slightly, but the thoughts are still persistant.Even after telling a dozen people and seeking a counselor once a week, I think about just being gay in general all the freaking time.
Im not any smarter than you but I believe its not until you are 100% comfortable in your own skin as a gay man, will those annoying, persistant thoughts finally go away. From my personal experiences, the people I have come out to are all really cool about it. Homophobia was the fear that kept me in the closet. Now its acceptance that keeps me from coming out completely.
I have to say though, building up a solid support group of people to come out to is key! These people have helped me through sooooo much.
Did you isolate yourself because you began thinking too much? I isolated myself and did the same thing in my beginning stage of coming out and it sucked!! It was too wierd/difficult for me to comprehend that other people knew I was gay. Maybe it was because I had to learn to accept it and trust them.
Dudddde! You killed me when you wrote this "but its more that I would rather not be gay and just be normal." :(
In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.
You have great friends, a great family and you are an awesome person(which I know first hand). Use your friends, like you have the friend you came out to, as tools to help you grow and build you up. You know they will have your back no matter what. You just have to let them in...
And you know I am always just a text away if you ever need anything. Trust me, we're going through the same shit together man