Sunday, November 28, 2010

could of been better

told my sis tonight and didnt go the way I wanted. I mean she said she is there for me but I could tell thats just because she is family. Feeling pretty shitty and have been listening to music for the past 3 hours straight. 

might go into detail later on but not now, trying to get my head right

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

some things going on

Well its been a while since my last post but thats mainly because nothing has really gone on. I guess the biggest that has happened to me was that soccer ended which blows. Ended about 3 weeks ago cause we didnt make it to the NCAA tournament. It sucks not making it then seeing other teams that we beat or tied made it through. We were good enough to make it but we just fucked up on stupid things. 

Still only out to one person which is my roommate/teammate. Haven't talked to much about it just cause its not a big deal really. He doesn't mind it and it doesn't affect him. He acts the EXACT same way as he did which is cool. Still does really gay stuff that surprises me that he hasn't came out yet lol. I have debated whether telling two other teammates but just haven't got myself to bring it up. One of them I was going to tell but then he sent me a video from ebaumsworld talking about gays and stuff and he was like "wasn't that hilarious?" I just said "eh not really" then went on talking about something else.

Last week I was in "be alone" type of mood and didnt want to hang around my friends which made them mad but whatever. They would joke around with me but I wasnt in that playful mood to do that and then they would give me shit and I isolated myself for a couple of days. Like thinking about this stuff makes me feel alone and not connected with everyone else. I know they are my friends and I love chilling with them, but even when Im having fun, this gay stuff is ALWAYS on my mind. It occupies so much of my time just thinking about it. I honestly fucking hate it and which there was some way to get it off my mind. I thought telling one person would ease that but it hasnt. To some degree it has but I mean its still on my mind. I guess by telling my roommate, it just gives me an outlet to talk to someone in person but even if I talk to him, he still doesnt fully understand what its like.

We finally got off for Thanksgiving break which is sick cause I really need a break from school buttt Im not even going home. Im stuck at school :( It really sucks cause I want to go home so bad. I miss my family and my friends a lot! Kind of getting home sick.There isnt anything to do here at school either. Im not too sure what Im going to be doing all day since everything on campus is closed lol My friend left his room open so I could ps3 but I think that might get old after a couple of hours. Why cant it be summer already!! haha

Thats about it really, I will try to post more often. Hope everyone is doing well! Later people

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

my florida trip was awesome!

So I have been meaning to write this post this past week but have been super busy with school and soccer. Now Im writing this post on the bus to another game hours away. These bus rides give me time where I have nothing else to do besides to write a post lol (sorry for the bad writing style though, just write what comes to my mind at the time)

Two weekends ago, I was in Florida for soccer and while I was there I got to meet up with a fellow blogger. We have been talking for about 3 months and talk a good amount. I was nervous to meet him just because like vid chat isn’t the same thing as face-to-face conversations but it was awesome. He is such a cool, chill, normal (gay) guy. I would never guess he was if I just saw him. But I was chilling at my hotel on our day off between our two games and texted him to see what he was up too. He wasn’t busy so I asked him if wanted to come over and go for a walk and talk. It was perfect cause my hotel was like 5 minutes from his school. So he came over and I met him outside just cause I didn’t want my teammates or anything to see us and then I would have to make up some things but we just went to talk. Found a bench where we just sat for about 2 hours talking about anything. It was crazy that we talked for that long cause it felt like it was only 30 minutes or something. Every time I talk to him, time seriously flies. I think he speeds it up cause we can talk for hours and it goes by so fast! But it was so cool to finally meet him in person and just talk. I was nervous why we were sitting there and I was shaking but it was cold too so that might of contributed to it lol Then the next day he came and watched me play against his school. I didn’t play so good which sucked and I felt bad that he was there watching me play when he could have been with his friends partying or something. I really appreciate him coming out to watch and hopefully I get to go back down there to see him in person again :)

And when I got back to my room, I had some explaining to do cause I was gone for so long. I was rooming with my teammate that I’m out too. Its awesome rooming with him just cause I’m the closest to him than anyone else on the team. Its funny cause the coach puts us together while he switches everyone else’s roommates up just cause we are always together. And it’s a joke on team that we are “dating” cause we are always next to each other. Anyways, I got back to the room and told him what I was doing cause before I left, I texted him saying I was going to talk to a friend from the area. I basically confessed to him about everything and we sat up talking for about 2 hours about what I have been through, my blogging, and just my thoughts on gays. It was such a good talk. Because after I came out to him, I didn’t really talk to him about the situation and he didn’t mention it at all. So I wanted to clear things up and tell him its all good if he asks me about it or anything. He really has surprised me how cool about everything he has been. It really has been the best 2 weeks of my life since I have told him. He understands how I feel and what I have been through to hide it for so long. He told me about another story where his dads’ best friend was gay and how it wasn’t a problem at all growing up. I seriously love this kid :) hahaha