Sunday, April 25, 2010

the whole blog thing

So as most people in the blog world know "Mikey," the gay hockey player from Minnesota, is not real. This came as a huge shock to many. Even to me. He was looked upon as an idol and hero to many closeted kids across the US. I even read his blog from time to time and was part of the reason why I started. (Main reason was Craig though). But I still cant find the words to describe how I feel about this situation. Angry, betrayed, hurt, confused, lost. These dont even do justice to how I feel. Why would someone toy with others emotions and feelings. Especially kids younger than mine who looked up to him. People religiously read his blog and emotionally connected with him. This was all crushed after a post stating it was a lie. I wasn't going to post about this event but felt that I had too express my thoughts as well. It doesn't affect me too much because I didnt read it that often but I cant say the same for others. I have seen kids in their blogs saying that they broke down crying because this was the death of a friend, a good friend. It hurts me to see this. I'm in the same situation as others across the world and it sucks to be closeted. And to have someone to talk to means the world. Lying to family and friends sucks but when you can turn to someone and feel that they truthfully care, means a lot. Mikey was this friend to many and for him to hurt others kills me. Its beyond me why some cruel man would do this. I guess its not definite that its a hoax but it sure seems like it. If there is a real Mikey and he was trying to get out of the blog world, he probably could of gone about doing it some other way.

This whole thing sucks. I cant believe this has happened and has caused so many problems. I am sorry to anyone who got hurt and just know you are not alone!

This song I came across while playing a video game and absolutely loved it. I listen to music to relieve stress and get away from everything. Helps to calm me down and let me think...

Friday, April 23, 2010

this guy

So in one of my classes, there is a guy that stares at me all the time. I have caught him numerous times just eying me. Its awkward when I catch him because its that unwanted eye contact. I don't really know if he is in too me but I just find it weird that he keeps looking at me. I wouldnt mind if he was in to me because he is a good looking guy. I just wish there were some other clues he would give me to let me know this. This has been going on all semester and now that it is coming to an end, I wish I did something about it. I dont know how I would go about doing so, but I wish I did.

Today in class, I was doing the looking and he turned and made eye contact. This was a longer than usual one also. I dont know what I could do to get his attention and without putting myself in a bad situation. I wouldnt want to be the one to ask him and for him to completely deny it. Then it would put me in a bad spot. I dont have any other classes with him and I dont even see him any other time. Probably wont pursue it just to avoid embarrassment.

Kind of a random thing but had to get it off my mind

Thursday, April 22, 2010

wish this was true

Saw this quote before but came across it on my friends fb page today. Wish it was this simple and wish I could live by it...

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."


Why is so hard to be true myself and everyone else around me?

I have to lie constantly to cover up for my "dark secret." It shouldn't be something to hide either. My friends don't hide that they like women. Why should I have to hide that the like men? It doesn't make sense to be looked down upon or be made fun of by others based on sexual preferences. Even if I did come out, I wouldn't go running around my college screaming "I'm gay!" I wouldn't tell anyone without them asking about me.

I wonder how long it will be until being gay is just another thing. No big deal is made about it and people don't look at you weird. Im not sure if it will happen in my lifetime but I hope it does. People should be treated equally and not be hated on because of what sex they like.

Living a lie is a hard thing to deal with. I think about it everyday what it would be like if people knew about me. "How would my family treat me" or "how would my friends treat me" are the two questions that keep me from coming out. I don't want to be the outsider in my family or friends.

It would be awesome if nothing changed at all and no one cared about it. But I don't know if that could happen...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

how it is

Yesterday was such a stressful day. I had to finish my final english paper that could determine my grade. Its all good though because I got help from my friend again lol. I didn't get to bed until 3 but I got it done. Then I had to wake up at 6 for a practice that was fitness. This didn't make sense either since we have our last spring game tomorrow but thats what soccer is...

Today I'm going to the driving range with some buddies from the team to hit some balls. Like I said the other day, I'm hooked on golf again. If soccer doesn't work out, might have to sign up for the Masters haha.

There really isn't much to talk about these days. I had a solid week of posting but now its starting to slow down. It is weird though since I started this blog, I have had more conversations about people being gay. It seems like its talked about every other day now. I might be paranoid but I keep hearing it. Like today at breakfast with my team: some kid walked by who looked gay. (Kids these day can judge by how they walk and how they dress). But the kid walked by and my teammate asked if he was gay. Then someone said "probably, look at the fag walk." The other kid responded by saying thats gross and disgusting. These are the conversations that keep myself from coming out. It sucks hearing these especially from kids that would have to deal with it if I did come out.

Here are some lyrics are from my favorite song at the moment:
"I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life"
-Kid CuDi

here is the link to the song...

(not sure how to work the links too well yet)

-Wish it was these easy to tell people how I feel but its just how it is...

Sunday, April 18, 2010


Last night was a blast. (I didn't bring the girl back but she was all over me the whole night!) But it was a huge party at a teammates house. People were inside, outside, the driveway, just everywhere. It was a good turnout with a lot of my friends there. I think it would of been better if I was under the influence a little lol but I didn't drink. I wasn't in the mood at the time when I got there and I was already enjoying myself as I was. I ended up playing beer pong with my teammate and didnt lose for the longest. It probably helped since I was sober and we were playing against guys that couldn't stand straight. The bad part was trying to get people home. Since I didn't drink, I had to drive some kids home but I left my car at school. The girl that likes me gave me a ride back to school then I had to drive back to get my friends. Didn't end up going to bed til 4 but I got a good sleep. My roommates alarm went off at 730!! It was on his bed and he couldn't turn it off so I got up to shut it off then I went right back to bed and didn't wake up until 2!! That was the longest I have ever slept but it was well needed.

When I woke up, I saw I got a text from a girl that helps me with my homework :) Its a plus being in the closest because girls will do anything if they like you. This girl has helped me this past semester with my english papers. Like I said I'm not the best writer especially if its for a grade. So I just hang out with her some and in return she helps me with my papers. It might be wrong doing this but who will know lol. So I went to library for 2 hours with her and she basically edited my whole paper that's due Tuesday. I wrote it but my professor wasn't really happy with it so friend offered to help. Its my work just with a little help of editing and organizing :)

Well, I will tell a little about my issue. I haven't talked much about my personal situation other than that I am gay. There really isn't much at all. I am gay and closeted. None of my friends or family knows. I have been trying to find the courage to tell my two best friends but I'm afraid of their reactions. I don't know how I would tell them either. They both go to different schools in completely different states. I was thinking I might hint at it over the summer if the time is right. These are my best friends and have been for a long time. I have known one of them since kindergarten then the other one since 8th grade. When I'm home, I'm always with one or the other. We do everything together really. Play sports, hang out, party, just everything. I really don't know how they will take. I remember one conversation I had with them about a gay thing. It was like "What it be like if your friend came out after knowing them and sleeping over at their houses? Then the other replied "Well you probably don't know your best friend then if you don't know their gay." I guess I just hide it that well that they have no idea. I guess if you knew me, you wouldn't suspect anything either but it sucked hearing that. Its whatever really because I love those guys to death. They are like brothers to me. I think they would be fine with it. Some things might change but not much. Or I hope they don't :/

Saturday, April 17, 2010

what a great day

Today might of been one of the most productive Saturdays I have had at school so far. Normally its either little basketball game with some friends or just chilling all day but wasn't like that today. Woke up at 7:30 after going to bed at 3 yesterday, to go do community service. Our team did landscaping for houses that were being flipped to sell to lower income professionals like teachers, firefighters, police, etc. It was fun but sooooo hard. We had to plant trees and flowers in the ground which seemed to be concrete (not really but was hard to break). I got a whole body workout from doing this. After we were done the yards (did two) looked awesome. Had trees, flowers, and grass. That was the first time I have ever done landscaping like that but its cool how spending a couple hours working can transform the whole look of the house. And it felt good knowing it was going to benefit someone else (not just saying that, actually mean it) lol.

But after that, me and two teammates when to the golf course and played nine holes. Lets just say I am a bit rusty. I havent played in years due to a tragic golf accident lol When I was like nine (I think) I was at golf camp and we were driving to the first hole with the golf cart. And there was an overflow of kids on the cart and I was hanging on the edge with a weak grip. Well you can imagine what happened next. I fell off and scraped my face, my knees and basically my whole body. After that was my last time lol But today was a good day on the course (we walked to avoid injuries). My friends were really good and were teaching me how to swing again. Probably going to start golfing more often when I have time.

Then me and my roommate ordered some pizza for dinner. We just chilled and watched his favorite team play. Club America is his team but they lost :) lol And now just getting ready to go out to a party. The funny thing is there is this girl that is all over me and my room mate wants me to bring her back for him to watch us but thats not gonna happen. And he asked me what I had against pussy? lol I just laughed and said Im not into her but yall know the truth ;)

Well got to go and get crazzyyyy!! haha

so i was thinkin...

This blog is pretty interesting to me. I never thought it would be this easy to express my thoughts. I just wish I say all this out my mouth to someone and express what I really am. I know my blog is called "My double Life," but I don't have a double life :/ I have a single life that is made up of lies. It sucks having to know acknowledge the fact that this is true, but its reality. I cant even have a double life because I am afraid of getting figured out.

I still think this blog is cool since I can actually express my self, but it would just be better if I could express them in words.

Friday, April 16, 2010

tired and confused

Well this could be a quick one because of how tired I am. I am exhausted from my soccer game tonight. We tied and I scored :) but it still sucks we tied. (its like kissing your sister) and I would not want to do that! But anyways for my thoughts that I said I was going to talk about. They kind of changed tonight. Instead I am going to talk about an instance that happened on the way back from our game...

So we were in the van on our way back to our school just talking about random stuff. Mainly all old stuff like when we were in elementary and middle school. And there was like seven guys in the van I rode in. But we got on the subject of Lance Bass because one my teammates said he met him and some other famous person. And this lead to talking about Lance being gay. My friends were asking questions like how did his band-mates not know he was gay and why is he gay and just random shit. But then MY room mate asked a question that involved me. And he was like "What if you were gay and liked dick then five years down the road you came out." Then he said it would be weird not knowing then finding out and just thinking back that you changed in front of me naked and I would get hard or something... I just laughed to play it off but I felt weird on the inside. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. It wasn't the right time and I'm not ready to say anything. Its just gonna be weird coming out five years down the road and he is gonna have to think those thoughts for real.

But this was just an awkward moment for me. I felt I should of said something, but that could of been a HUGE mess if I did. I did need any problems on top of the stuff I have to deal with already.

Like I said, it would be a quick one cause I'm exhausted but will be back tomorrow.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

new day

Well today is a new day and have to look at it like that after such a disappointment yesterday. But got a spring game today and can't wait til kickoff.

Don't have much time because I leave for my game soon so I will post some of my thoughts later tonight. Have a good amount I need to get off my mind :/

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

come on gunners!

Today is a big day for my team, Arsenal (this is a soccer team in the English Premier League). But they play Tottenham Hotspur today and this is a crucial game for both teams. Arsenal is just 3 points behind the leaders Chelsea and Tottenham is fighting for a 4th place finish to get into the Champions League next season. Arsenal can't drop anymore points if they want to win the league (which they will) but its going to be hard with so many key injuries. Also they are coming back from a tough loss to Messi lol They actually lost to Barcelona but Messi is the main player on their team and probably the best player in the world right now. He destroyed Arsenal single-handily. It was a heartbreaker to watch.

Tomorrow is also a big day for me. We have one of our last spring games. It sucks our spring season is coming to an end but also good because it means school is almost out!! I am just glad I can play tomorrow. The injury I picked up on Monday magically disappeared over night and I was fine the next morning. I hate sitting out with injuries! Its one of the worst feelings. Cant help the team in anyway and have to watch your team play the game you love. It sucks!

Got lifting and training so I might post later if my team comes through with a victory :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

the transistion

The struggles of being a closeted college kid is that I feel like I'm missing out on my college experience. I'm not saying I want to go out and hook up with every guy that is in sight, but I want to try things. I'm very inexperienced when it comes to sex: with both genders. In high school I hooked up with a few girls just to say I did and fit in but it didn't feel right. I wasn't satisfied and felt weird doing it. I didn't do much with them but I knew it wasn't for me.

Here at school, when we go out, I just talk to girls. I wont take the chance of trying to hook up with a guy here. It sucks too because its hard when a girl is throwing herself at me and my teammates are telling me to "smash that," there isn't much I can do. I just say not tonight or I'm not in the mood. Then I have to deal with the guys calling me a pussy and stuff, but its whatever, it gets old. I guess I bring it upon myself since I talk to the girls as well. I do that to try to show interest and lead them on then I just cut it off. I think its funny but the guys on my team don't.

And... the thing that really keeps me from coming out, is that I have a family member that attends school with me. I wouldn't want them to get ridiculed or anything for my "problem." I don't think it would happen, but I don't want to take that risk. Its just hard not being able to be my true self. Its a big lie that I live with and seems it will continue for a while.

what a day

Today might have been one of the longest days in awhile. Started off with an early morning and ended with a late night with no nap in between...

Started today off with 7 am practice which didn't go so well. In our warmup I pulled something near my groin. It hurt so bad and I knew right then I did something bad, so I had to sit out the rest of practice. Later on I went to the trainers and our team doctor couldn't even figure what was wrong. It hurt to pass the ball and walk but when he was moving my leg in every direction, there was no pain. It didn't help that it was in the most awkward place possible. It was right in between my legs where the groin is but it was more inside but its hard to explain. It was weird cause he was feeling all around down there to see if he could find a pull and it was right next to my "package" (don't know what else I should call, how appropriate it should be). Kind of awkward with him rubbing down there and there were other athletes getting treated just looking at us like what is he looking for.

Anyways, today was also a day for lessons apparently. In our weekly religion class that all students have to attend, we had a guest minister speaker talk about his life and what troubles he has had. He had a lot and it made my problem seem little. His ranged from his wife have a brain tumor, to his kid almost dying, to him living with skin cancer. I find it hard to complain about m problem since mine isn't life threatening like his all were. He told a quote to us that he said helped get him through his troubles. "Life isn't about finding ways to avoid the storm, but it's learning how to dance in the rain." I didn't get what he meant by this until he explained it but I thought it was cool. I will probably use in the future. Then tonight we had a speech that all the athletes at our school had to attend which was about hazing.The speaker came to our school to talk about why it is a problem and what we should do to avoid it. I can't think of a time that I was hazed or my friends were hazed. Maybe I got lucky and I guess I did because he told some stories about kids that were hazed and didn't end happy. I really don't understand why kids or anyone would do things like that. I know its probably not on purpose, but think before you act. Its stupid to lose a life over something so small.

I also had lifting today that went well. I love getting to work out and see the results. I wish I didn't have to go to class and I could just play soccer and workout all day. That would be the life! When we got back from lifting, me and my roommate did the P90X ab workout. That thing is insane!!! Those people are machines. There is no way those are average people. They didn't take any breaks and they didn't even break a sweat. I was dying the whole time. Its the hardest ab workout to do. And the thing about my roommate is, is that he is very "showy" I guess. He always walks around in his underwear or sometimes nothing. I think its awkward but I don't think he does. Then when I'm taking my shower after him, he just stands there naked having a complete conversation with him. I don't find him attractive because he isn't my type but it might be bad if I did lol. But he does have a girlfriend so nothing would happen anyways.

Well, thats what a typical day for me is like. I will get into more personal stuff as I write more.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

not sure

I am not the best writer and I don't really like English so its weird that I'm writing this.

So I am not to sure what to write besides what I do during the day. And since I havent done anything today, I dont have much to write lol Today are the days I love. Sunday is my complete relaxation day. I have been in bed all day besides when I went to lunch and get dinner. Me and my roommate played some xbox and that was my excercise for the day. The weekends are my days I get to sleep in. For soccer, we have practice at 7 am every morning so waking up at 6 am gets old fast. I use Saturday and Sunday to catch up on my lost sleep. I'm normally exhausted on the weekends from my long weeks with soccer and school.

Being on the soccer, doesn't allow much alone time. I'm always with a teammate, no matter where I am. My roommate is on the team as well and thats the person I spend most of my time with. We have had a lot of conversations talking about sex and stuff but I try to keep it about him. He is a relationship with someone back home and when there is a problem (which is frequent), I can tell and we talk about that. He always tries to get me to hook up with a girl here but I dont want it (for obvious reasons). When we go out and a girl hits on me, he always tries to get me to bring a girl back since he cant. He is trying to live his college life through me lol but I just say Im not in the mood for it tonight. Hanging around the guys all the time, they talk about hook ups and the girls they were with, when this happens I just listen and laugh. I think its funny all the stuff they say about with their hookups. Its normally the talk of the locker room when someone hooks up with a girl over the weekend.

Might be confusing following my thoughts but I will try straighten them out after a couple of posts

Saturday, April 10, 2010

first post

Okay, so I started this blog in order to vent some of my emotions that I can't tell anyone else. Reading other blogs about similar situations has inspired me to do this. It seems that it has helped with others so thought I might give this a chance...

I am a division one college soccer player in the state of North Carolina. I am just the average student-athlete. But, I am gay...or at least I think I am. This is one thing that makes me different among my teammates. I haven't told anyone and I don't think I will for a while. It's a hard issue to bring up among a bunch of college guys that like to go out and hook up with any girl that talks to them. Keeping such a big secret sucks but after a while, I have learned to deal with it.

Not sure what else to write since this is my first time but I will get back at this tomorrow!