Tuesday, April 13, 2010

the transistion

The struggles of being a closeted college kid is that I feel like I'm missing out on my college experience. I'm not saying I want to go out and hook up with every guy that is in sight, but I want to try things. I'm very inexperienced when it comes to sex: with both genders. In high school I hooked up with a few girls just to say I did and fit in but it didn't feel right. I wasn't satisfied and felt weird doing it. I didn't do much with them but I knew it wasn't for me.

Here at school, when we go out, I just talk to girls. I wont take the chance of trying to hook up with a guy here. It sucks too because its hard when a girl is throwing herself at me and my teammates are telling me to "smash that," there isn't much I can do. I just say not tonight or I'm not in the mood. Then I have to deal with the guys calling me a pussy and stuff, but its whatever, it gets old. I guess I bring it upon myself since I talk to the girls as well. I do that to try to show interest and lead them on then I just cut it off. I think its funny but the guys on my team don't.

And... the thing that really keeps me from coming out, is that I have a family member that attends school with me. I wouldn't want them to get ridiculed or anything for my "problem." I don't think it would happen, but I don't want to take that risk. Its just hard not being able to be my true self. Its a big lie that I live with and seems it will continue for a while.

5 comments:

  1. Just found your blog tonight on a recommendation from One in Eleven. I understand most of what you're going through. I grew up in Georgia and stayed closeted for most of college while living at home. I didn't have the added pressure of a Baptist school or being on a sports team. It does get better. For me it took moving to California, but hopefully you'll find your place sooner and nearer. And don't apologize for meeting a guy online. It's better than what I did, which was go to a bar. I'll go back and read your earlier posts.

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  2. Thanks man for the support and hopefully it gets better. I think after college it should be more open and I only have 3 more years :) lol

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  3. hey..saw that you added my blog. I started reading..and yours is interesting as well. Keep up the good work, I'll be watching!

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  4. I wouldn't be so quick to discount meeting someone online. I was looking for just sex one day and ended up meeting the greatest guy ever. We've been together ever since.

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  5. Thanks BI! really enjoy your posts! but thats awesome scott. It was just a weird feeling at first but it was a cool experience

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