told some teammates!

So after some thinking and reading old stories about athletes on teams coming out, I decided to go for it. And the whole gay thing was on my mind a lot this past week so I needed to tell somebody the secret...Well it turned out, I would tell 3 guys. I told all of them on separate nights and they all took it really well.

The first guy, I told this past Sunday night. He is also my roommate along with my teammate that already knows. So the two guys Im living with this year know. They wont be freaked out now if I bring a guy back (if I ever find one) haha. But it was pretty easy too, I just told him I needed to tell him something earlier in the night. So after one of our friends left, he asked me what it was I needed to tell him. He just got out the shower and was drying off and was like "so what was it that you were gonna tell me?", I kind of laughed and just said put some clothes on and I'll tell you. Would of been a bit ironic if I told him while he was naked in front of me lol. So he put clothes on and came into my roomys room who already knows. I just explained the situation how I told my other roomy back in October (crazy its been so long since i've told him!!) and that Ive told my family and stuff. He was a kid I've wrote about that is religious and has said some stupid stuff about gay people but he was real cool about it. He didn't mind it and said some stuff about bible references that made sense and were kind of in my favor so it was cool. After like 10 minutes of talking, he was like "alright, I got a question...do you beat off then?" Me and my other roomy started cracking up and I just said yes and he had a pretty funny look on his face. It was just random that was like the only question he asked. haha

Then I told the 2nd teammate Monday night. He came over to play fifa and we were waiting on other teammates to get here cause they had study hall and we didnt so he was playing while i was on my laptop. I just told him during the game that I needed to tell him something once he was done. He paused the game and just said to tell him now but I kept saying I will tell him after. He laughed and was said I was scaring him lol but so after the game ended, I explained the situation to him how I told the guy the previous night and my other roomy last year. He was real cool about it and said that I shouldn't hide it and I should be proud about it. Im still in the stage of accepting it and I think im trying to tell people that way its for sure (if that makes sense). Like i still think its weird I like dick and stuff haha... Anyways back to the story: I told him and he told me that he has a gay uncle he is real close to and an aunt who is gay as well. He related to it and stuff and it was real cool. He thanked me for telling him and was proud of me for telling him. It felt good to hear him say that. (if yall remember an old post about me and my teammates at zaxbys last semester, this was the kid who said he would kill his child if it was gay, so i know like that stuff doesnt mean shit if people actually do come out) So then i sent him a text that night thanking him for being so cool about it all and it meant a lot to me. He replied "yea man im always here for you bro!! you my nig too! appreciate you trustin me n tellin me man. That takes alot of courage. You will always be my homie!" then 2 minutes later "dawgg I gotta tell u a funny story tomm...tennis chick came over again hahaha this is funny" So nothing has changed between us since telling him haha

Then last night was the 3rd guy I told. I asked him to download me a cd (The Carter IV, lil Waynes new cd, its sick so check it out) cause the school blocks our internet and cant download shit here. So he got it and I asked if I could come by and get it and said ya and I told him I needed to tell him something as well. I got there, got the cd, then started talking a bit. Then just told him. How I told the other guys and everything. He has 3 gay cousins and some friends back home that are gay as well so he was real chill about it. He also said I should be proud of it and that it took mad courage to come out. He thanked me for keeping him in the circle of trust so he could know haha. Then he apologized for anything in the past he said that would be offensive. i thought that was pretty sick of him to do that. I just told him, its all in good fun and its not takin seriously. But that was it really. We were together today and nothing any different. This kid is the roommate of the 2nd guy I told so they might talk about it and I said its cool if they do. Also to ask me anything if they have questions or anything.

So ya, pretty big steps I think and might be telling a couple more soon. Im just to the point of I dont care what others think cause Im junior, do work on the field and people respect me on and off the field (sounds cocky i know but it helps me build confidence lol)

Got our first season game tomorrow against a ranked team so should be sick. Pretty excited to start this season. I needs to get to bed now, class in the am... Later world!

start of junior year

Well school is back in session and I made it through preseason alive. It really wasn't nearly as hard as it has been the past two years. Im sure the training prior to returning to school or playing soccer all summer had something to do with it being easier. I did pretty well on my fitness tests and our squad is looking pretty solid for this year.

Last weekend, we had our first scrimmage game. It was a road trip for us that was supposed to take only 6 hours... it didn't. Our bus broke down on the side of the highway for 8 HOURS!! It was ridiculous! We were 2 hours away from our hotel when the bus just suddenly like shutdown. So the driver pulled over and tried to get it to start again but nothing. We ending up gettin a bus from Raleigh to come pick us up which was 4 hours away but they didn't leave at the time they said they would so it took fuckin forever. We even ordered pizza and had it delivered to us lol That was pretty funny I thought. I feel like thats not allowed but Im glad the place did it for us. We ended up talking, listening to music, and playing games to pass the time.  Luckily we made it back without breakin down haha

This semester for school should be pretty difficult. I'm taking 3 classes for my major and they are on a 7-point grading scale instead of a 10-point one. So that sucks but I'm only taking 15 hours which shouldn't be too bad (hopefully). I have a couple of good looking guys in my class but none that give off any gayish vibes lol


So a couple of a posts ago I mentioned that I told my teammate that knows about my hookups on craigslist, he searched the sites and we talked about it. He said the m4m section was hilarious lol and that in the m4w section, one ad said "im donating babies, hit me up" hahahahah I started crackin up when he told me this stuff. He also searched for the area around school for girls but nothing local lol The funny thing was, we were talkin about this in our lockerroom showers. There wasn't any other guys from the team in there but still, pretty funny he brought it up there.

I'm thinking about tellin some guys from the team about the lil secret as well. Just debating when/how/ or if i should. I kind of want to tell our third roomy but just havent had time to bring it up. I dont know, I really want to be done with all this shit about coming out. Or just not have to do it. I'm just getting to the point of where its on my mind again all the time and it pisses me off.

Thats about it, later world.

using my secret in my advantage

So I'm taking an online brit lit class which blows. Its sooo much busy work and really unnecessary stuff. Like when am I ever going to have to analyze by poem by William Blake ever again? Im gonna say never. But anyways, at the very beginning of the class, we had to write about us and share it with the class. We just post what we write on a discussion board to where everyone in the class can see it. So I just wrote about my college I go to and that I grew up playing soccer. I was about to "come out" to my class in it but I didn't feel like it was necessary. I'm glad I didn't because every other day or so, we have discussion boards that we have to answer questions and a lot are about personal experiences. So every time I write, I refer to a friend that came out to me and how hard it was. Obviously this isn't true cause I dont have any gay friends. I actually just use my personal experiences to write then I just say its from my best friend thats telling me this stuff. This has been a life saver cause some of this questions are kind of hard and I would have no other references to use to answer them. So I guess me being gay has helped me somewhat haha Just got to take things and make them postive...

Take it easy everyone

Another summer down, another school year ahead

Like always, this summer went by super fast. It might of been the traveling, the soccer twice a day, or the coaching that might of seem like time flew. Whatever it was, I pretty upset summer is done. I'll be back at school within the next couple of days, unpacking into my new apartment and getting ready for the upcoming soccer season. Hopefully I will live past the first couple of days of preseason being that those are the worst. Whatever I do during summer, no matter what, I still feel like shit after the 3rd day of being there. Legs are shot and I just feel exhausted all the time. All the training Ive been doing prepares me for the fitness tests, but I still get the same feeling as always. The past 2 weeks Ive been in Dallas doing a training program designed for soccer players and it works on fitness. It was by far the hardest stuff Ive ever done. Even harder than my college workouts. The first week I did it, we did two-a-days; one at 7am and the other at 330 (the hottest part of the day). And if you seen the weather in Dallas lately, its hot at fuckkkk. It seriously was awful. Hopefully that shit pays off next week. Right now Im back in Nashville just hangin out with my brother and training with a local college team. Its the school I worked the camps this past summer and Im tight with all the kids, so they said it was straight I could come out and play with them since they are back for captains practices.

To say the least, this summer has been pretty uneventful in my eyes. I literally played soccer or coached soccer everyday this summer. I mean I love soccer and all, but a lil variety would of been nice. I went out once this summer and didnt really drink cause I was driving. Pretty much hung out and played FIFA in my spare time haha Well I'm also taking an online brit lit class that blows. Its end on the 11th so Im pumped about that. Its just a bunch of busy work that I think is not necessary at all. Once Im done with this class, Im done with English with the rest of my life! pretty pumped about that

And some new jams. In honor of Big Sean dropping his album Finally Famous: The Album. straight fire too...the first song is my jam right


Well, take it easy everyone!

fail

Updated! (new music and new genres. this is about as gay as i will get on this blog besides the idea of it all haha but had a complaint on music (Explorer Jack) so i thought i would give some fresh jams to yall. and for a disclaimer, i dont have any of these songs actually on my itunes...even though i do enjoy them haha)

So I tried writing a post tonight since I've been so fucking bored butttttt I couldnt even do that. Its like my brain doesnt know how to function properly when Im bored. My thoughts wont stay put when Im trying to write. I had started two posts before giving up on them and now this is my post in order to clear thoughts.

Talked to some blog buddies tonight and it was great. I love talking about random shit with someone who knows my secret. Its like a sense of openness. Even if we dont talk about gay things, them just knowing makes things feel better. Like earlier in the evening I was with my brothers fiance getting dinner. He's out of town so it was just me and her. We sat there for hours just talking after we were done. From what I wanted to do after school, to adopting kids, to family. It was just random talk and I felt at ease because she knows about me.

I dont know what it is when I talk to someone who knows Im gay, but it certainly is a different feeling than talking to someone who doesnt know.

Hope everything is well people!

Happy 4th Everyone

In celebration of country's freedom and all our troops, here is a GREAT article for yall to read. It was sent to me by a reader of my blog and I thank you for that! Its a bit lengthy but no more than 10 minutes. I almost started crying reading it cause its so touchy...

So here it is, check it out!
Soldier leaves legacy much larger than 'he was gay'

-And I enjoy reading the comments from these articles, but one I read yesterday was saying something like this article should just be about the soldier dieing and not about him being gay cause its no difference that a black soldier and if the article read "soldier leaves legacy larger than being black" and then like the gay community should stop fighting for rights cause it doesnt matter. Well in my opinion, I feel like thats fuckin retarded because unlike gay people, black people can obviously serve open in the military. Gays have to suppress their feelings and serve for the country that restricts its rights. Also, its bullshit because blacks also had to fight for their freedom and rights so why cant gays? It makes no sense and it seriously pisses me off when people say such ignorant shit. Like why the fuck do people care so much who others are fucking or liking. It makes no difference to them at all!

Well thats it, feels good to get that off my chest. Time to celebrate the best country in the world :) stay safe everyone!

the kid i can count on

The first person I told my about my lil secret has probably been my closet friend for the past year. Its my roommate from freshman year, sophomore year, and we will be living together next year as well. He is also on the soccer team with me at school. I seriously can talk about ANYTHING with him and he doesnt care. Ever since coming out to him, I feel like we have defiantly gotten closer. He understands where I'm coming from with the coming out process cause he has some gay family members but unfortunately, it wasnt as easy for them cause they were brought up differently.

But the other day when New York passed the bill for same sex marriage, I chatted him saying I can get married in New York now. He said thats awesome that another state is legalizing it. Then he said something along the lines of this: "so when you get married in new york, i better be invited first off all cause ive never been to new york and second, you better tell your husband that he has the pullout or floor cause im sleeping in the same bed as you :) " I was cracking up reading that and it felt so good that he like hes just so chill with the whole gay thing. We went on talkin about marriage and if I ever will get married but I'm not to sure if it will happen. Im actually not into the whole marriage thing. I would feel awkward having a wedding with friends and family there for some reason. 

Then we went on talking about kids cause Im coaching camp again this week and I got the 7 year olds which is sometimes frustrating but I also love it. I really want my own kid (really only a boy cause I dont want to deal with female problems haha.) And I kind of want my kid to be blood related meaning I would have to find a surrogate mother. I have no idea of the process of all that but I think it would be different to have some lady carry my child for 9 months then just hand him over lol But I told my roommate that I would have to find a dime (good lookin women) to carry my sperm. And he said "ya cause she would have to make up for your ugly ass looks" hahaha

And yesterday, I told him about my past hookups lol It was all through fb chat but I mean he tells me every detail when he hooks up with a chick. Mainly cause im asking to make jokes about it but he gets mad when I dont tell him stuff. So i decided I would and I did that yesterday. Told him about craigslist and the random hookups and he thought it was cool. He was real happy I finally decided to tell him stuff and he was happy Ive been gettin my dick wet lol

This kid is awesome and love him to death. I feel like everyone should have someone like this in real life to help express feelings and talk about stuff with. I might of gotten lucky to find such a great friend but I'm super glad I did :)

ps-my homie Secrets of An All-American from the blog world told someone!! give him a shout cause thats fuckin hugggee