the double life is fading

So a commenter on my last post pointed out that my title is seemingly becoming less descriptive of my situation. Yes this is true. My double life of what used to be me being deep in the closet and me acting as if I was just another heterosexual male is diminishing. Though there are some boundaries in which this still exists. I'm not 'out' 100%. Im not even out 50% haha. I am out to a comfortable number of people that I am close with and care enough to tell them about me. I haven't blended these worlds together though and they stay pretty far from each other. For the majority of the people that I have told, it has basically been a "tell-and-go." I told them and thats about it. We havent discussed it much any further. There have been the exceptions though like my roommate and the girl here at school. They will ask me anything thats on their mind about the topic and crack jokes (in good fun) about me. I love it being an open topic to where its not looked at as a taboo subject and a sensitive one where people are afraid to talk about. I know with the people I have told, its somewhat of a new thing. I guess they havent had a close friend that has come out to them before so they dont know what is off limits and what is within limits. Im sure with time it will break down and it will be just a normal thing.

So I guess I might consider a new title for my blog soon. The suggestion that was made was "Getting Comfortable in My Own Skin," which for sure fits my situation. I'm still on this track because Im not 100% comfortable with the whole gay thing yet. It might seem like I am, but there are still situations in which I feel uncomfortable or awkward with being gay. Time is still taking its toll with this and I know I will get there one day...

Thanks to the anonymous commenter who left the comment! and thanks to everyone else who commented on the last post...still iffy about writing a thing for outsports

take it easy

growing up

This past weekend I was doing my schedule for my first semester of senior year. I cant even believe Im about to be a senior. Where has the time gone?! I cant say I'm upset or sad that school is somewhat coming to a close cause I honestly want to start my next chapter in life. No lie I am nervous as fuck about it though haha

Right now, I'm kind of stuck on what will happen. June 1st is a big deadline date for me. By that time, I have to my all my paperwork in and have passed the GMAT in order to start my grad school program. My senior year right now is planned to contain master classes. Im doing a 3-2 program which allows me to get my masters in a year because it combines my senior year with grad school. For this to take effect, I have to pass the GMAT which seems pretty hard from the book I got to study. It sucks cause I have to study for that test and take it relatively soon so that means additional stuff to study during school. My semester ends the 5th here and on the 7th is when I start my first day of my summer long internship (another thing that im extra nervous for). I'll be working for a bank and within the division of my major. It will for sure be a good learning opportunity that Im pretty pumped for but it just sucks that I wont be able to go home at all during the summer.

So yeah, its crazy I started this thing second semester of my freshman year and not out to anyone and now Im almost a senior and out a number of people. No way I would of pictured where Im at right now when I started this thing.

Got two questions for anyone who wants to comment... 1) Has anyone taken the GMAT recently or know of anyone who has and have any thoughts about it? I dont know what to expect besides an SAT on steroids. 2) From my post saying I want to help others who are afraid or questioning to come out, would it be worth it to write to outsports to tell my story. I mean Im not even fully out so not sure if it would be worth it and they have plenty of athlete stories that are way better than mine haha...so leave a comment if you life, it would be appreciated

take it easy eveyone

my first soccer fight

Last night was our second spring game and unfortunately we lost. It was a pretty weak defeat since it was 2-1 and we were up 1-0 and had a goal called back. The game winning goal for them came in the last 3 minutes as well on a deflection that bounced just over our goalie. I guess we took some good things from the game and especially since it was against a professional team. Not MLS but a team from the USL division which is under the MLS.

But last night, there were some firsts for me. I did my first slide tackle (sounds weird but im just not the type of player to slide) and I got in my first fight (it wasn't that big though but still pretty sick). The fight was caused by my tackle as well.

It happened in the first half and I had the ball at half field but lost it in a tackle. The ball popped out to their center back who started dribbling and I decided to dive in and win the ball back. It was slick on the field cause of the dew and I came in pretty hard. I didnt get any ball and just got all ankle. It was pretty bad tackle but felt awesome to do it. (this guy also got me in the first half with a tackle and told me to quit bitching to the ref and the next tackle would be worse). So it was somewhat of a revenge cause the guy was a bitch. He got up pretty quick and got in my face and pushed me. I stepped back into and said some choice words. He then grabbed my throat like somewhat choking me. This shocked me and I made a quick decision to slap him across his face. (I know slapping a guy seems like a bitch move but I honestly didnt want to hit him cause i didnt want to get a straight red and die from this big dude haha).  He then came back at me and grabbed my throat again. So I slapped him across the face even harder (my keeper said he could hear back at our goal). I connected pretty well and I honestly should of just fuckin smashed him. After the second hit, I was pulled away and he was pulled away. Shit got intense and my boy/roommate/first person i told/brother got into as well and was backing me up. It was awesome to see that. But we were just going back and forth cussing each other out and talking shit the rest of the half. And in the end, we both only got a yellow. Im sure it was just cause a friendly cause the initial tackle could of been a straight red haha

When we got on the bus everyone was talking about it and saying how sick the whole thing was. They were saying they were proud of me for not backing down and actually doing something about it even though it was a slap haha My coach didnt even say anything to me which surprised me.

So yeah, it was pretty sick and felt pretty good to do haha, just sucks we lost to that shit team

somewhat of a random update

First day of school back from spring break and had my first volunteering thing at the elementary school on campus. Our soccer team is volunteering for the month of March on MWF for an hour each day. I'm with a kindergarten class and already a class favorite haha I've said it plenty of times but I love working with kids. Its awesome to be around them and then to see them learn, it makes it that much better! Today we did patterns in math so it was fun making patterns with them.

Over spring break, I went home to enjoy the time with my family. It was awesome just to be back in a city and being able to chill without school and soccer. The first weekend back I drove to Austin which is about 3 hours from Dallas to see a friend from back home at his college and also to see 2 of my teammates from school that live there. We went out to 6th Street on Saturday night and it was fucking nuts. By far one of the best nights going out. Its comparable to Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Soooo many people and bars. They close the street down and its just a shit show everywhere. It was a good ass time...During the day I met up with a highschool friend and he showed us around UT where he goes. That school is insanely nice! I wish I could start school over and just go there. If you havent been there, you should def check out UT and the city of Austin, theres so much to see!

Uhhhhhh... also saw Project X and Act of Valor over break with my lil bro. CHECK THOSE OUT! Sick movies especially Act of Valor. I think every American should see that movie. Or actually anyone to show and gain a respect for service men. I teared up at the end of it. Both solid movies.

Before spring break, I told another teammate and it went perfectly. He was a kid I wasn't worried about telling cause he is super open-minded. I asked for him to come down cause he lives above me and just told him. We talked for like 3 hours about everything and how society views gays and how it relates to religion. It was an awesome talk and real glad I told him.

Thats about it. The post was everywhere but just wanted to write that stuff down...Hope everyone is doing well!

my first 'sorta' relationship

My first ever relationship is over. I'm not sure if it was considered a relationship cause we didnt declare it or never made it official but I guess I would consider it my first one. We texted every day, talked on the phone randomly, basically we were there for each other. And yeah, we hooked up for those who was thinking it. But it was for sure way beyond the hookups. I would say thats just a bonus to a relationship. I might be different than other guys, but I guess im not looking for the next ass or trying to get off everyday. Im more for the connection between us and being able to relate to each other. It was great what me and ECCC had...But for some reason, my feelings changed and things just weren't the same. It kind of fell off. Not sure what else to say but we are still friends and still talk. I actually met up with him last night cause I was in his area.