Tuesday, March 29, 2011

living with regrets

I know we are supposed to live life to the fullest and without regrets since we only get one life to live but I honestly would love the chance to do mine over. Not like Im upset with how mine has turned/turning out but I would for sure make some changes to decisions that I have made. I realize now that I could of had a shot to play soccer as a career. I know I wrote yesterday about this, but its stuck on my mind and its really gettin to me. Me and my roomy had a pretty long conversation about this tonight. It sucks kind of more for him cause he had the chance last year to stay in Mexico with a team but instead, decided to come back and play. We both decided that we would have chosen different schools to go to instead of where we are. This place just isnt for us. We both agreed that we would want to do redo our lives as well. Just like little things like training more, or doing extra while we were younger. These things could of added up and helped us a lot. I know its my fault to where I am, but it sucks where I am. I want to be more and not sure if that will happen anymore. Watching the kids I played with on TV playing kills me inside. Their success tears me up. I know it sounds fucked up, but Im competitive and I want to be there! I dont want to fuckin watch it when I could be playing. 

I dont know what Im trying to get too. It just what I have been thinking about all night. I stood in the shower for 20 minutes just thinking about this shit. I know their success should motivate me to get to their position, and it does sometimes, but its not enough for me. I just feel like my time is over and I dont have enough youth in me to make it anymore. Only 20 years old and in less than 6 months I will be 21, its old in soccer terms and basically a senior in todays game. If anything happened, it would have to be this summer. Hopefully it does and would be crazy as shit if it does but doubt it. I will just be living with regrets for the rest of my life.

17 comments:

  1. keep your head up man, and dont give up broskie!

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  2. All you can do if the best you possibly can. Life sometimes is totally unfair but if you let it get to you then it wins. If soccer doesnt work out then do the next thing you love. Dont quit now when your still active in it. I never knew 20 was old....man i'm ancient then.....LOL

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  3. socrkid: We all wish we had do-overs in life. The should-haves, could-haves, and would-haves are useful reflection to help guide our future choices and decisions but you should not let them paralyze your current action.

    We all have to adjust to new situations and circumstances that life throws at us. How you overcome those challenges is the truest test of your character and strength. You can't live your life dwelling on the past, you can only look forward. You're only 20, soon to be 21 -- you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't be discouraged, learn from your mistakes, and redouble your efforts to chase your dreams.

    I know this is trite but still true -- success in life comes in many different forms, it's a journey, not simply a destination.

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  4. Out of interest - does the Anton Hysén thing inspire you or make you a little jealous. or both?!

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  5. I believe things happen for a reason. Sure if we had the playbook prior to making decisions we would all make perfect ones. We all feel the way you do. I don't think there are many who would say they have made all the right decisions. I think you should focus on the future because you cannot change the past. You have a long and bright future before you. Just keep doing your best.. Learn from your prior mistakes..

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  6. It's been said,

    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't........you're right."

    Try not to be defeated in your head before you have the opportunity in real life.

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  7. big hug man lemme know if I can help in some way

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  8. I hate cheesy sayings or mottos - but whenever I feel stuck in any sort of rut regarding my life and plans and decisions, I read this a couple of times - it was first given to me when I went to college by a youth coach I had.

    "The Station" - (link)
    http://www.robertjhastings.net/

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  9. Anonymous above said it right: "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't........you're right."

    Life is about doing things and taking chances. If playing soccer is that important to you, you owe it to yourself to go for it.

    If it's your career beyond soccer you're concerned with, there isn't an employer out there that wouldn't see your attempt to play pro as a sign of maturity.

    If it's your skills you doubt, you have no way to know if you're good enough unless you try.

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  10. THANKS EVERYONE SOOOOO MUCH!!!! I really apprciate all the support yall give me. Its awesome readin the comments after feeling down about some dumb shit but thanks again!!

    Steven Chapman- The Anton Hysen kind of has supposed to do with it but not really. Its just more that a kid I played with on the same team over the summer is playin pro in England and doin really well and getin called up for the US so its just sucks from that haha I honestly feel like I could play in the league Anton does being its like the 3rd level over there but its just hard gettin there and it doenst pay too well either

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  11. no real words of advice you haven't heard before, but the 'what if' questions will always kill ya so best not to think about them!

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  12. ya very true, preciate it man!

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  13. One of the proudest moments of my life was when my dad's best friend, who happened to be my school bus driver said, "The one thing about Scott is he sits and talks with everyone no matter who they are." Add this comment from my mom: "No one can ever take your college education away from you." Finally from my meditation book Glad Day, "Our attitudes are more important than our physical environment. When we're comfortable with ourselves, we can be comfortable in most places." How do those three comments relate? You have a college scholarship which is giving you an education because of all of the hard work, training, and time you put in as an athlete. Those efforts are giving you a financial dividend to provide a great future upon your graduation down whatever life path you follow. Forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds here, but could some of your frustration be from the stress of staying in the closet with your team? The reason I bring up the bus driver comment is you are a very knowledgeable, upbeat person who treats others with respect. I think your teammates and school would accept you. In the March issue of Complete Magazine, Ryan Quinn, a former NCAA All-American skier, says:"You come out and realize your friends are your friends. I think on one level they admired my honesty, and on another level they didn't care if I was gay. If anything changed, we became closer as teammates and I became a better skier without the distraction of having to live with a secret." I know since coming out I have deeper friendships, and people notice a difference at work and on stage because I no longer used up energy keeping my secret. Just something for you to think about...as you have already realized, 50% of your college education occurs outside the classroom. Enjoy the spring weather and the joy of the game!

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  14. Anonymous- I honestly think some of my frustration might come from that, but Im not sure if I want my team to know. They talk a good amount of shit about gay and just talk a lot of shit in general and I dont want to do with it. Having one person on my team know has made a hugeeee difference!! I have debated about tellin a couple more but just never found a good moment (like there is one haha). I do know what you mean though and appreciate your thoughts!! thanks buddy

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  15. A life without regret is a life in which nothing was learned.

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  16. The only barrier to you playing pro is in your mind.

    Sounds like you're overthinking this thing and choking in the process.

    20 years from now, what do you want to look back on?

    That choice is YOURS.

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