week in review

Not much has happened. Especially with the tennis kid :( haha I think he dropped the class cause he hasnt showed up since the first day. I did see him Saturday night at a party but didnt talk. Just random eye contact throughout the night. Im awful with signals. Cant tell if someone is looking at me cause they want to hookup  or cause my zipper is down. Every time I see someone look at me, I look down to make sure I dont have stains or anything on me. This school year, seems like people are staring more. I might be paranoid but both me and my roommate noticed it. Kind creeps me out.

On the soccer side of things, I sprained my ankle last Tuesday at practice and have been out since. It swelled up really bad and turned all sorts of colors. Been doing treatment for it everyday and now Im getting back into things.  Yesterday was the first time for cutting and sprinting. It sucked cause we had a game Friday night which I had to sit out and our team lost. Thats the one thing I hate, is having to sit on the bench of a soccer game while we are losing. It suckkkssss!! But we have a game tomorrow which is the first game of the season. Im feeling great today so there is a chance of me playing. My coach told me today I have to do some agility things in order to play so hopefully that goes well.

Other than that, not much is going on at the moment. Still closeted and just hangin out. There have been several instances this past week where I was going to tell my roommate/teammate about my secret but just couldnt bring myself to do it. Maybe soon though??

Well, make the most of today cause tomorrow is never promised. Stay positive :)

telling my teammates??

Telling my teammates about my lil secret could possibly be the hardest things I have ever done. I have debated about it so many times especially recently but I dont think its gonna happen as long as Im on the team. I have debated to just tell my closest teammate who is also my roommate but it seems risky if it slipped out on accident or something.

This is another conversation that some of the guys on the team had that keeps me from telling them:
Today after training, me and five other guys on the team went to dinner at Zaxbys. It was my teammates birthday the other day so we went to celebrate kind of just so we didnt have to eat at the cafeteria. But while we were eating, something came up about gay kids. I dont know how or where it came from. But a teammate (also a roommate of mine now) was like "I could never have a gay child. It would not happen. I wouldnt allow it!" Then some other the guys agreed and said some other stuff about it. But he was like "if my child was gay, I would shoot him." Knowing the guy, he wouldn't shoot anyone. He is one of the nicest kids on the team and never gets mad, always shares his stuff, and lives in a positive kind of manner I guess. I mean it sucked hearing that but thats the stuff that keeps me from saying anything to them at all. Maybe there idea of a gay guy would change if I came out since I play soccer (not to be arrogant or big headed, but Im a big part of the team and they look up to me as a player and person) and Im just a normal chill kid who does the same shit they do except fuck girls. I just dont understand why people give a fuck about other peoples sexuality. Why the hell does it concern them? I dont know, it just pissed off...

But Im glad this blogging thing is here. This has helped so so much! Have talked to some great guys about this stuff and its really helped me. These are some new blogs and pretty sick dudes if you ask me: Not So Open & Obvious, I'm Me, and Average Gay Dude. Should check them out!

school is back in session

Back to normal school days :( Why cant I just come to school and play soccer? Things would be so much easier!!

So my classes are all pretty cool. Teachers arent too bad. Thinking this semester should be a good one! But got a lil situation in one of my classes. Could potentially be good or could just be nothing. In my micro-economics class there is this kid that sits right next to me. This kid I have seen around school and he is an international student on the tennis team. I always thought he was different and kind of cute. Like last year I would catch him staring or we would make eye contact for somewhat long distances. But he came in to class late and sat right next to me! And our teacher had like a presentation today so he turned off the lights so we could see the screen better. Anyways, I was leaning back in my chair and the kid did the same. Throughout the presentation, he just kept grabbing his dick and like adjusting and stuff. There were people all around us so normally I would think you would try to be discreet about it. Thats what I do at least. And for how much he was adjusting, there had to be something down there. I wouldnt of mind to take a look but he didnt ask haha jk ;) And during this he like moved his knee to where is was touching mine. I might be hoping these are signs but it just doesnt seem normal to do that stuff. Im not friends with him on facebook and Im debating whether to add him but I dont know. Any suggestions or ideas to what the kid might of been hinting at?

And this is a clip that was shown in the presentation. I thought it was awesome and hilarious. Had the whole class laughing so thought I would share!

the locker room

So being on the soccer team with all horny ass college guys, there is no short of conversation in the locker rooms. Something is always being said. From talking about fucking girls, to new underwear, to girlfriend issues, something is always the topic of discussion. And normally it isnt just between a couple of guys. Its the whole team. No one is shy about bringing up things in the locker room. Its like a temple to where it wont be talked about later on anywhere else. (Besides fucking girls). For example, getting new underwear. I think this is possibly the gayest thing besides showing each shaved pubes (dont ask me why this goes on but i dont partake in this). Anyways, they will model them and like look at themselves in the mirror and people will joke around just staring at a guy in underwear. I think its weird and it might just be me but I think that is very gay!

And the reason I wanted to talk about this stuff today was because in the showers this morning after training, the topic was having anal sex with a girl. They were saying how they want to try but women dont want too and stuff like that. If I came out, I know I would be the topic for all jokes. I also just feel weird talking about that stuff. Especially with a group of 20 guys who arent very affectionate towards gays. I cant even imagine that topic being discussed with the team and one gay guy. It just wouldnt go over so smoothly. Like during the talking of this stuff, I throw random stuff out there and normally just laugh at the stuff they say. Its really hilarious but I dont think it would be the same if I was out to them.

Probably me being paranoid again but its whatever. Just got to brush it off :/

back on the grind

So I have been out of the blog world for quite some time now. I have been reading posts but just havent had the time to actually make a post. I will try to recap the past couple weeks in order starting from the beginning:

4 weeks ago...

I was in Utah visiting my best friend at his school. It was so sick! Utah is such a nice place. The mountains, temperature, weather was abosolutely perfect!! Im jealous of my friend that he lives there. He goes to school about an hour an a half outside of Salt Lake. We went to Salt Lake a couple of times and visited the mormon temple downtown and that was pretty cool and did some shopping there. I was up there for about a week and a half. Just chilled and played a shit ton of Fifa lol. I smashed everyone in it. But we went out the first night to a party at a friend of his. I guess it wasnt much of a party but more of just chill kind of thing. Played some beer pong, smoked just chilled. It was cool. There were some guys there that he didnt know and one of the was gay. If he wasnt then he was very feminine and gay acting. Personally not a fan of that type. But during the night he came over and touched my friend and was talking to us then left. My friend turned to me and was like why the hell did that fag touch me. I just laughed and played it off saying he liked him lol. I mean this is the stuff that keeps me locked up inside. I know I shouldnt care what others think but thats a problem I have. Its whatever now but just pissed me off when it happened. The rest of the time there was awesome so I cant complain about that. Went on a hike, did some training, we long boarded soooo much. I never skateboarded or anything like that before. So I learned how to do that there and i love it now. At night we would go this parking garage there and skate down it from the top. Its so chill and relaxing. 

3 weeks ago...

Got back from Utah and had to pack since I was leaving for school in two days from the day I got back. I had to get back to school for preseason. But went out the last night I was there to my friends party. It was fun

2 weeks ago...

So on the way to school our car broke down. We (me and my sister) drive to North Carolina passing through Nashville cause my brothers gf lives there and we can stay there overnight to continue driving the next morning. But we get there and we meet up with my brother (he was there for something) and his gf and go to dinner. On the way back to my brothers gf's place, the transmission blows. My sister was driving and she couldnt accelerate anymore so we took it to the shop the next morning to get fixed. They called us later on in the day and to say it would take a week to fix! My sister had to be back a week before me but I wanted to get there to train and run and stuff. So this was a tuesday and my sis had to be at school the next day. My mom eventually bought her a plane ticket to fly to school so she would be there on time. I ended up staying in Nashville til Sunday just hanging out with my brother and his gf. It was fun. Didnt do much. Ran and played soccer with him. Went out to downtown Nashville one night. It was cool but Im not much a dancer so I just chilled really. It was kind of awkward as well cause it was me, my brother, his gf, and a friend of theirs who is 28 and I was partnered with her :/ lol we got to the club and she was dancing on me trying to get to dance but it was awkward dancing with her and im not much of a dancer. Like I have mixed feelings about the clubs. I think its wierd seeing like 40 year old guys trying to dance with 18 year old girls and fat not good looking girls dance with other girls. I know this isnt every club but there was this stuff happening at this place. Anyways, it was cool I guess and we ended up getting the car back and left on sunday. 

This week...

My mom made my brother drive with me up to school cause she doesnt trust me? She says Im the problem child and im the one she has to worry about. I just like to have fun annddd I got my first speeding ticket a month before I left to school so she didnt want me to get another one. So when I got here, I got right to training trying to get used to the humidity here. Its sucks here! I walk outside and I start sweating. In Dallas, its straight heat but here is a combo of that and humidity. Its awful. But we started preseason yesterday and it sucks so far lol. We had one of our fitness tests in the morning then a bunch of meetins, then our strength test in the afternoon then a training session at night. Today we had training this morning then more meetings, and another training session at 415!! So fucking hot!! and to start to the practice off, we had to do some fitness test that sucked so bad! but its whatever now cause I took a ice bath at 48 F and now Im just chillin and the legs are feeling great! Got to wake up and do our last fitness test though then have another practice at night. Its good to be back at school and playing soccer. Good to see all the guys on the team. And the freshman are all cool too so this year is gonna be a good one I think. One of my roommates hates gays though lol  I think its kind of funny how people dont like other based on sexual preferene. It doesnt make sense. How is what they are doing the bedroom or who they are interested effect them? Dont understand it. Its whatever though.

Feels good to post again and finally let yall know what I have been up to. Sorry about the sloppyness. Didnt reread it or edit. Just a straight flow of my thoughts