Sunday, June 17, 2012


So last weekend I was in Nashville for my older brothers wedding. It was a great time. Seeing family I haven't seen since I was like 10 and meeting family I've never met before was awesome. (i've got some goodlooking relatives I didn't know about ) And then to see my immediate family is always a blast. With my relatives, I got the typical questions like: do I have a girlfriend, when will I get a girlfriend, have I been seeing someone, you should come up to where I live so we can go to the bars and pick up girls (the usual). Clearly Im not out to them and they have no idea. No one outside my immediate family knows and not sure if they ever will.

The night before the wedding, we did like a watered-down bachelor party since my brother couldnt do one prior to the wedding due to work. So we went downtown and had a blast. My brother might of had too much fun cause the next morning, his head was in the toilet for a good four hours. He felt like shit and regretted going out the night before. But in the end, he cleaned up and we made it on time to do pictures.

Seeing my brother up there and my new sister was a crazy feeling. Honestly, I couldnt believe he was getting married. I feel like we are still so young even though he is 26 and has been dating his wife for 6 years now (long I know and they knew as well lol). I got teary eyed when they were doing their vows and my brother even started tearing up. Im not much of an emotional guy but seeing such powerful things being said between two people really hits the heart hard. I cant be any happier for the two of them and I absolutely love his wife. She is so chill and super nice and cant wait for them to have a kid so I can be the cool uncle and spoil the kid (better be a boy though).

But as this relates to what I was thinking, I really want to feel those feelings like they have for another guy. I want to be able to bring him home to the family and have him meet my brothers and sisters and have him feel the love of my family. I want to love another guy to where I cant see myself with anyone else. As for the whole wedding thing, i dont know if it would be a huge celebration or just a quiet thing between the two of us, I guess that will be decided if I ever meet someone but I just want to experience that 'love' feeling. Sounds cheesy and corny I know but I feel like being gay makes it that more lonely and harder to deal with this type of thing. Especially since I'm still considered 'straight' to more than 9/10 of the people I know. Finding someone like me and in the same situation makes it so much fuckin harder.

When I go out back at school, the guys that know will point out the gay guys (the obvious ones with the lisp and odd body actions...not that i have anything against them, just not my type) and tell me I should talk to them or hook up with them. Well those clearly aren't my type of guys. It gets annoying when they do this cause they dont understand how easy they have it if they feel like finding a girl. The guys Im attracted to are ones you would never expect. After knowing them years and you wouldn't suspect a thing are the guys I would love to find and talk to. Having such a disguise makes it hard for another gay guy to find them. ( I guess I could be missing opportunities since Im not out and potentially another gay guy could be at my school and doesnt know about me so kind of a sticky situation) It just sucks it what Im trying to say. I would love to have a relationship and be able to talk with the guy about anything and everything. I know the chances are pretty slim about this and probs gonna be awhile as well. I feel like I'm recognizing this even more since this internship. I workout, go to work, play soccer, and repeat. Same shit every day and not a guy to just talk to.

I did want to start possibly trying to date but this leaves me up to online sites. Im kind of on the fence about them. I guess its the only way for me to potentially find someone due to my situation but I think it would be way sick to find a guy in person through common interests. Last night I did go out and get drinks with a guy from a (dating) site. And Ive tried all types of sites but none of them really live up to the expectations that I would have for them. But the guy I met up with last night was fun. We only chatted for maybe two days online then since we both had nothing going on yesterday decided to get drinks. He showed me around downtown which was nice. Hung out for like 5 hours just talking over drinks. It was good conversation and not to many awkward silences which was good. He isn't the athletic type I've always wanted but he is the smart guy which is nice. He did offer for me to go back to his place since he lived 10 minutes away and I was 30 but I declined and went home alone. Thought about it the whole way home and wasnt sure if I made the right choice. I didnt plan on sleeping or doing anything with him but just thinking about being able to law with a guy stayed on my mind for a while. Not sure where its gonna go but i dont know I might see him again.

well just another random post that probably doesnt make sense but main point is, i want a relationship. with a gay guy who seems straight. haha


  1. I think this might be my favorite post. I too just went to a wedding and witnessed true love. Like you, I got teary eyed when my best friend walked down the isle and exchanged vows with her husband. I dont know what it was about that wedding, but ever since I got home I've had this burning desire to fall in love that I never had before. It's so corny but I'm glad you feel the same thing. My whole life I hated love, never wanted to get married or experience that but now I want to fall in love more than anything.
    I too just decided to start online dating again in hopes to find the other masculine gay guys in the area.

  2. I really think it's good that you're giving online dating a try. It's how I met my BF. In fact, very few of the guys I went out with were the "obvious" types. I think there's all sorts of types online. I really can't think of a better way, other than just hoping to meet someone through common friends. I know the idea of meeting someone randomly through common interests is romantic, but who knows, that could still happen. At least online dating would get you a lot of dating experience so you have a better idea of what you like/don't like.

  3. I haven't found as much of a problem with meeting guys who go out for swimming. So many guys in speedos, you either like each other in the pool or you don't.

  4. same feeling here bud. i'm sure you'll find a great guy some day. and when you do lemme know where you found him cuz i'm looking too! i think it's pretty much looking online at this point, unless you're down enough to just hang at a gay bar and see what happens. i'd like to do that but i need a bud to go with so i won't feel like a creep hanging out by myself.

    its definitely bittersweet though when you see happy hetero couples though..if only it were so easy for us.

  5. It took me 15 years to find someone. I kept looking for a certain type thinking that would make me happy. I allowed my seft to be open to others types and then found my current partner of 16 years. Not perfert, but wonderful. Try something outside of the norm...older, younger, black, atino, white, short, tall, red head, non athletic. Something different. We grow and learn from might be surprised what you will find on the other side.

  6. Hey, I'm not completely out either, but don't wait until you're 38 to date and pursue happiness like me. I am slowly letting some family and friends know that I'm gay. It's hard 'cause I really don't think it's anyone's business but then I start to think, isn't sharing part of being a friend? Anyway, with a push from some of my new gay friends that I met through various outdoor group, I joined OKCupid, a free online dating site. I am currently in a relation with a guy I met in OKCupid. Bottom line, have fun and be safe, maybe even date several guys at one time, 2 types of your liking and 1 you wouldn't normally give a chance. David

  7. You are no doubt right about it being difficult to find another gay guy if you are both not out and open.. sort of like Brokeback Mountain.. but then that's why the internet has really made it easy to find a guy. You might not think it is the way to go, but I found my guy there and we're coming up for 8 years together now. It actually is easier than finding a girl in a bar/hanging about as you can get to some of the interesting stuff just by reading his profile online.. so venture forth.

  8. If you are after a relationship, stick to online dating sites and avoid hookup ones. Also, it's kind of lame for your friends to point out obviously-gay strangers for you to date -- you should tell them that they are not your type. Just as it would be lame if you were S8 and they point out strangers that are not your type, you know you aren't going to go for them.

    There are masculine gay guys out there because so many bloggers are looking for the same thing. The difficulty is spotting them because once you know, you can approach them. Of course they make it even harder by not being out.

    If online dating isn't you thing, there's LGBT groups on campus and even professional and social orgs that center on gays, you can try that for meeting people.

  9. Hey, same thing here. except I didnt admit i was gay until i was about 45. I met my partner about 4 years ago via the internet. neither of us were out in the sense that someone could tell from our manerisms, both of us were very straight acting and looking, and talking. were happy, and open about who we are, if someone asks if were gay we acknowlede that we are, but otherwise people would still think were straight. good luck and you will find someone for you.

  10. Some really good comments have been posted here, so I really cannot add too much.

    My experience has been that it is 10,000 times easier to be out if you are coupled. You are not just Soccerkid. You are Soccerkid plus ________. At business or casual functions, I can come out easily by just saying "This is my partner, _______," or "My partner and I went to the movies this weekend."

    Most, if not all, of your extended family will embrace your partner. I really cannot think of any negative reactions that I have had in my own family.

    If you like athletic guys, try playing on a team with gay men. Local sports leagues can point you in the direction of teams that either cater exclusively to gay men, or are gay positive. You might find someone who shares this basic interest with you by just kicking a ball around in rec league.

  11. Do you point out guys you're attracted to going out with your friends? It doesn't matter if they're gay or straight, but it would give them a clue of what you're looking for. So they stop pointing out the wrong type, because I guess they don't get it but they're being rude doing that. Do you tell them you don't like that type of guys and they should stop pointing them out?

    I completely agree with Robert, it's indeed so much easier to be totally out when having a partner. Because it comes through like something positive, while saying that you're gay gives negative feelings (I don't mean hate, but like 'will he find someone', 'will he be happy', 'is he being bullied'). That's why I stayed in the closet until I found Stof. Having him gave me the power to be out to everyone. Not that'll help you now, but it's something you can count on for the future.

    I know you don't have anything LGBT-ish were you live (at college), which made me realise how lucky I was living here and not in a conservative area. But maybe there's something back at your home? Or elsewere? Big cities mostly have more opportunities, maybe there is one one a decent distance to go from time to time? Or to stop by when driving elsewhere?

    Your date didn't sound rather nice. But don't expect things 'll go in a rush when dating for a serious relationship. Think you both expect much more from each other, wich causes to be a little reticent and things will have to build up slowly. So maybe stay in touch with him, he will have his doubts and worries too and may now be ready for a second date. It's not like hooking up where you just check if he's hot, clean and maybe a little interesting ;-)

  12. Something I forgot to ask: how do your parents and other relatives that know act when they hear people asking you about having a gf? Are they supportive, like talk about it afterwords? Give you a wink when that's happening? Or just or embarrased and mind their own bussines?
    I'm asking because it might give you a clue if they are ready to support you with your further coming out.

  13. thanks for all the comments. its awesome to hear the stories about finding partners and staying together for years. i hope that happens to me! and it just sucks its so hard to do...

    but @kevin, they laugh or give me a wink when it happens. im not sure if they are too keen on my telling other family members just yet

  14. I live in the same area as where you're going to school, and there are plenty of people around but you just have to get around and interact. When I was in school (NCSU) I was so busy with that and work that I had little social interaction with that many people. After finishing up school I ended up with more time to get around and meet more people. That's when I started meeting more guys that were from all of the different spectrum, from the drag queens to mechanics, liberal to conservative, and everything in-between. Then I got to find people where we all fit in together and get along, even when we disagree on some things.

  15. Someone's already mentioned this, but I highly recommend some gay athletic clubs. These days most cities have a variety of choices, and I have a mentor who met his partner through one of the teams he joined. Good luck!

  16. Anonymous- you have any suggestions of where to go and meet people or where there might be a pretty diverse gay crowd in the area? i mean i've looked but havent found/seen anything!