So last weekend I was in Nashville for my older brothers wedding. It was a great time. Seeing family I haven't seen since I was like 10 and meeting family I've never met before was awesome. (i've got some goodlooking relatives I didn't know about ) And then to see my immediate family is always a blast. With my relatives, I got the typical questions like: do I have a girlfriend, when will I get a girlfriend, have I been seeing someone, you should come up to where I live so we can go to the bars and pick up girls (the usual). Clearly Im not out to them and they have no idea. No one outside my immediate family knows and not sure if they ever will.
The night before the wedding, we did like a watered-down bachelor party since my brother couldnt do one prior to the wedding due to work. So we went downtown and had a blast. My brother might of had too much fun cause the next morning, his head was in the toilet for a good four hours. He felt like shit and regretted going out the night before. But in the end, he cleaned up and we made it on time to do pictures.
Seeing my brother up there and my new sister was a crazy feeling. Honestly, I couldnt believe he was getting married. I feel like we are still so young even though he is 26 and has been dating his wife for 6 years now (long I know and they knew as well lol). I got teary eyed when they were doing their vows and my brother even started tearing up. Im not much of an emotional guy but seeing such powerful things being said between two people really hits the heart hard. I cant be any happier for the two of them and I absolutely love his wife. She is so chill and super nice and cant wait for them to have a kid so I can be the cool uncle and spoil the kid (better be a boy though).
But as this relates to what I was thinking, I really want to feel those feelings like they have for another guy. I want to be able to bring him home to the family and have him meet my brothers and sisters and have him feel the love of my family. I want to love another guy to where I cant see myself with anyone else. As for the whole wedding thing, i dont know if it would be a huge celebration or just a quiet thing between the two of us, I guess that will be decided if I ever meet someone but I just want to experience that 'love' feeling. Sounds cheesy and corny I know but I feel like being gay makes it that more lonely and harder to deal with this type of thing. Especially since I'm still considered 'straight' to more than 9/10 of the people I know. Finding someone like me and in the same situation makes it so much fuckin harder.
When I go out back at school, the guys that know will point out the gay guys (the obvious ones with the lisp and odd body actions...not that i have anything against them, just not my type) and tell me I should talk to them or hook up with them. Well those clearly aren't my type of guys. It gets annoying when they do this cause they dont understand how easy they have it if they feel like finding a girl. The guys Im attracted to are ones you would never expect. After knowing them years and you wouldn't suspect a thing are the guys I would love to find and talk to. Having such a disguise makes it hard for another gay guy to find them. ( I guess I could be missing opportunities since Im not out and potentially another gay guy could be at my school and doesnt know about me so kind of a sticky situation) It just sucks it what Im trying to say. I would love to have a relationship and be able to talk with the guy about anything and everything. I know the chances are pretty slim about this and probs gonna be awhile as well. I feel like I'm recognizing this even more since this internship. I workout, go to work, play soccer, and repeat. Same shit every day and not a guy to just talk to.
I did want to start possibly trying to date but this leaves me up to online sites. Im kind of on the fence about them. I guess its the only way for me to potentially find someone due to my situation but I think it would be way sick to find a guy in person through common interests. Last night I did go out and get drinks with a guy from a (dating) site. And Ive tried all types of sites but none of them really live up to the expectations that I would have for them. But the guy I met up with last night was fun. We only chatted for maybe two days online then since we both had nothing going on yesterday decided to get drinks. He showed me around downtown which was nice. Hung out for like 5 hours just talking over drinks. It was good conversation and not to many awkward silences which was good. He isn't the athletic type I've always wanted but he is the smart guy which is nice. He did offer for me to go back to his place since he lived 10 minutes away and I was 30 but I declined and went home alone. Thought about it the whole way home and wasnt sure if I made the right choice. I didnt plan on sleeping or doing anything with him but just thinking about being able to law with a guy stayed on my mind for a while. Not sure where its gonna go but i dont know I might see him again.
well just another random post that probably doesnt make sense but main point is, i want a relationship. with a gay guy who seems straight. haha
3 days ago