today at training, i got some news from a teammate that another teammate of mine told some girl he was talking to a couple weeks back, MY secret. not sure what entitlement he got that he can go out and tell other people something that doesn't involve him. especially when i told him specifically that i didn't want him spreading it. and it just so happens that he told the girl (who plays lacrosse at our school) while she was at lunch with one her teammates - so of course, she over heard and went and told one of her teammates, which in turn, told my teammate, who told me.... for all i know, the whole women's lacrosse team might know or even other kids around campus. when some news hits a team at my school, it tends to spread pretty quick just because all athletes are pretty interconnected.
so i messaged the girl that my teammate told and to see what happened. i was nice about it cause i know her and she is a cool girl but it turned out okay i guess. i mean, yeah i'm pissed but there isn't much i can do about it now. i'm gettin to the point of not caring anyways but i really would like to just come out on my own terms.
in other shitty news, an old teammate of mine that i roomed with my sophomore year came back to visit for a couple of days. he is Jamaican and i know i used to right about him because of the shit he's said in the past about gay people. so tonight before i left to take him downtown to the Amtrack bus station, i told him. wasn't a good response and he just basically dismissed it and said "yup, its about that time to go now". i told him that more than half the team knows and what other people know - it didnt phase he decision that he made up in his mind already though.
i dont know, it just blows my mind how ignorant some people are these days. it's been even more noticeable with Prop 8 and DOMA being voted on the past two days. yes, i changed my facebook profile to the red sign, but i think thats about far i went on facebook. i didnt post any other stuff about it because i dont think its something that needs to be shoved down everyone's throat. its not necessary. i did read numerous posts against same-sex marriage though. many of these just seem to carry no merit when i think about it. it's 2013 - how is this even still a topic? i can't wait for the years when people look back at this time and ask why our society was against it. it happened with African-American rights and womens rights. soon it will be with gay rights.
also, in other shitty news, i think i gave up on soccer too early. it sucks to realize this now. when i should of put in more work regarding my speed and quickness back my sophomore and juniors years, i didnt. i gave up on myself to early because i thought i didnt want to continue after school but now i realize that i love the game too much. when training gets canceled, i get mad. when we do train, i get happy. my mood depends solely on how soccer went that day. people now still ask me why i dont pursue it. when i practice with the team, i feel i stand out. granted i dont think we have the best players we could potentially have, but i still have the natural soccer brain in which can help a player reach that next level. the natural soccer brain is something that lacks on our team. so many players cannot think throughout the game and it kills me to play with these kids. its so frustrating at training to play with kids like that but my love for the game keeps me there.
some positive news though, on monday, i benched 205 four times which was huge for me. that was my first time gettin over 200 and thats with 2 warmup sets and 2 work sets before that. then on wednesday, i squatted 290 five times. thats the most i've done since being at school and holy shit, its pretty heavy haha. a good lift is such a good stress reliever for me. i love seeing the improvements and seeing my numbers go up. and we still got 4 more weeks left of school to bump them up even more.
also, this project that i was working on for the past week was completed today with the final presentation. it was for my estate planning seminar class and we had to set up an estate plan for a wealthy couple with a shit ton of assets and debts. it was cool to put everything we learned together but it was such a headache finding the right plans. especially cause it was supposed to be a group of 3 which turned out to me and one other kid doing all the work. our third group member was a baseball player and used the 'athlete-in-season' card which was bullshit. its all good now though since its over. the remaining 4 weeks are going to suck though with so many papers and projects and tests though.
so this was a bit longer than i anticipated but had some shit on my mind that i needed to get out. hope everyone is doing good though.
6 years ago
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You might find that some good could come out of your sexuality being more publicly known.
ReplyDeleteBecause no one would normally suspect you're gay, you'll be especially attractive to closeted and curious guys. If certain guys suddenly start talking to you more, that's a sign that they know and they want to fool around. Of course they won't have the guts to make the first move (unless they're pretty drunk), but if you take the lead, you could have some pretty crazy hook-ups with some very hot guys.
haha well that would for sure be a plus then. hopefully things like that start to happen!
Deletehey man
ReplyDeletesorry to hear all the bad news. i think once you start coming out, especially as much as you have you just have to expect that you won't get to come out on your own terms but i think you've built up enough confidence where you shouldn't be too worried. and yea you might make a friend who would not necessarily approach you if they didn't know about your sexuality so some good might come out of it being more public knowledge.
i remember you writing about being worried about your jamaican teammate and it's too bad that was his reaction. again just something that will have to roll off you..
on a positive note, you are fucking strong!!! really impressive good job! i think i could only hope to ever put that much weight one day. but you know that means you gotta show us some skin to prove you got that muscle hah hah.
yeah, the jamaican kid seems like it didnt even happen. he texted me saying he wants to plan a trip with me and the other guys from the team so idk, im just glad i told him to get it out the way. but i'm not cut enough to be showin skin yet haha
DeleteHey man,
ReplyDeleteWay to make me feel like I am not even lifting when I go to the gym. As for the rest of your post, it's too bad about your former teammate, I don't understand that mindset and you can only hope people open up as time goes on.
As for the teammate telling people, I went through a similar thing with my roommate but I was not out at all and he was putting me in very uncomfortable situations. I just did the adult thing and had a conversation with him and told him to cut that crap out, he listened to me (mostly) and things were good after that. People may not know you want to do it on your own time, and a gentle reminder to shut the fuck up can go a long ways.
And as for soccer, stick with what makes you happy man. I still play rec league sports because it keeps me sane. You will just have to find your outlet. Sounds like you may be going body builder.
Have a good one.
haha yeah, i gave the kid a gentle shut the fuck after finding out about it so i think its good now. but idk about the body builder route, not trying to get that big haha
DeleteMan I deal with fucking idiot ass peopke all the tine here in kentucky. My fb newsfeed is full of people voicing their opion against gay marrage. But I feel that times are changing and people are starting realize how dumb they sound.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks that people are outing you, but its cool that youre at the point to where it doesnt bother you as much.
people are definitely changing though. so many people seem to not care or actually support marriage equality. it is annoying seeing the negative stuff but the positive talk about it makes it so worth it
DeleteDude, that really sucks that your teammate did that but like the other guys here are saying, you've built up a lot more confidence and it will only help you to take these things in better stride. Sucks about your old roommate and sorry to hear that you saw so many negative opinions on your newsfeed. I was on my dad's fb and was happy to see so many of his friends supporting marriage equality. I think things are very different up here in the North, [most] people here just believe in equality. It will happen for us, just gotta give it some time.
ReplyDeleteAs for soccer -- keep it up, man. Just cause you feel that you gave up on it two years too soon doesn't mean you have to give it up forever. It makes you happy so keep playing. Better to realize this now than five years down the road. And I'm with ya man....a good lift sesh is great for relieving stress. Dunno what I would do without my gym membership...
Good luck w/ all your final papers and projects
the North is a lot more accepting i would say as well. i just saw North Carolina is one of the worst states to be raised gay which sucks. but thanks man! i can't wait for April to be over and it hasnt even started yet haha
DeleteDon't worry about that dude who went around telling people bro. This shit happens to the best of us. It happened to me a while back, but I just looked at it from the perspective that, hey, the guy did most of the job for me, so now I don't need to inform people. hah.
ReplyDeletehaha very true, i guess its cool when i think about it like that. mostly everyone i personally wanted to tell already knows anyways
DeleteSorry to hear your shitty news...but take it all with a grain of salt..you are still smart, friendly and a good person. I know you love movies so maybe go check out a new one...Maybe The Great Oz! What are some of your all time favs?
ReplyDeletethanks man! but yeah, i want to see that. have heard real good reviews about it... but personal favs: The Hurt Locker, Pitch Perfect, Zero Dark Thirty, Argo, and the 007's with Daniel Craig :) hahaha
DeleteIf you don't want something known, it is best not to tell anyone. A secret, once shared, is no longer a secret. They can be divulged deliberately or inadvertently, but the effect is the same. I came out to one other person. We have no friends in common, but it took a huge leap of faith on my part to publicly admit I was homosexual. Habits of a lifetime are hard to break--I was 48 at the time.
ReplyDeleteThe issues are amazingly complex for each gay person as we grow and face the reality of who we are. For each of us the experience is different, governed by the our personalities, our home environment, our friends and acquaintances and the current view of society at large. Some say it is easier today to come to self-realization than it was for my generation and in some ways, perhaps they are right. However, the trauma of the initial recognition that you are different from (seemingly) all of your peers is no less harsh today. And for those growing up these days in much of the United States and most of the rest of the world there is no opportunity to tell even your close friends that you are gay because the fear of being outted is over-arching. Despite the generally accepting atmosphere surrounding you, Socrkid, that fear still comes through in your post - and with good reason.
ReplyDeleteThe link is to an article in Sunday's New York Times which provides a perspective on times recent enough to be meaningful to today's young gay men, even though there has been some progress since then.(Here goes a stereotype, but it may have been a tad easier for people in the theater than in other callings, e.g. sports.) I also commend the comment to the article (3rd one down as of now) from Jim in Atlanta which hits the nail on the head in terms of my personal experience.
http://theater.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/theater/in-the-nance-a-reckoning-with-painful-memories.html
The bottom line of the article is that, despite everything, it is possible to find peace with yourself despite what is going on around you. I hope you find that peace. I am confident you will.
Hey man! I know it's not what you want to hear, but at a certain point you can't control your coming out anymore. When too many people know, it gets spread, wheter you want it or not. But you can see it as a positive thing too, like you don't have to worry about it anymore when you assume everybody knows. And on top, it's some kind of 'caring about you' that people are talking about this, at least when it's telling and not pure gossip.
ReplyDeleteFor the soccer thing, can't you play in a club or team out of college, like in your free time?
O and yeah you know what all that bragging about those muscles means: showtime! ;-p