half way there

So after that post yesterday, I was just in the mood to try to push the boundaries and so I did... I told 3 teammates after training on the way to dinner. These are kids that I've been meaning to tell but just didnt get around to it and the times I was going too, I bitched out. But yeah, I told them and they were mad chill about it. It was by far the most awkward telling them though cause I've never told more than one person at a time and this was 3 of them in my car while I was driving. The kid in the driver seat had a look like he saw a ghost or something when I told him. It made me feel weird cause he just froze and was super stunned. But after explaining how people knew and stuff, the mood lightened up. So now with 3 more down, I'm half way out to my team

i want to make a difference

Since being somewhat 'out' and reading so many coming out stories, it really has made me what to do more. Yeah, being openly out could have it negatives but I honestly feel the positives would out weight them. This is the thought that keeps me on the edge of telling people.

Just Sunday night, I told another person. Its the girl that has been helping me with some school work and also one that wanted to hook up with me a while back. I made it clear that it wasnt going to happen so my roommate took over the sex with her haha. (not sure I wrote about this, but she wanted to have the 3-some with me and my roomy) When I told her about me being gay, I explained that was the reason why the 3-some never happen and she was like "damn, so I never had a shot with you" It was pretty funny and she took it real well. She was happy for me and was so excited to be asking me all different types of questions. Some were awesome that had me and her dying laughing. This is the first girl at school that I've told and the next day at the library when studying, we both commented on this good looking guy that walked by. I also told her about EC (the kid I'm talking too for those who dont know), and she was super happy for me. She really wants to meet him too haha

But back to my main point...For anyone who reads this blog, its really just like an online journal to me but to others, I've realized people can relate to it and make connections with some of my stories/thoughts/feelings. I want to people to read it and make a connection with it. I want it to help someone even if its just one person. I know before I started mine, I read a bunch of blogs that I felt like were the exact thoughts and feelings that I had. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want to be out and be a good role model for the younger generations who struggle with themselves. It makes me sick to see what the government does when discussing bills about same-sex marriage and other issues within the gay community. Why the fuck should it be up to others if one couple can get married. Or if a certain group is discriminated against and nothing happens to those who do the damage. Is innocent kids killing themselves not enough evidence that something is wrong with this fucking country with dealing with these things. I know it took time for African-Americans to get freedom and rights but since that period, our culture has flourished. Not one bad thing has come from that. Why can't they relate those issues with the present day discrimination of gays. This shit is so fucking frustrating. It kills me cause realistically I can't do anything to change the minds of those who vote against gay bills. I honestly just want to help and show that being gay isn't a problem and you can live your life how you want to, and you should live your life how you want to!

Not sure if that made sense but its been a long 3 days this week already and when I get heated, its hard to write down how I feel... Well, hope everyone is having a great week!

crazy 3 weeks

where the fuck does time go? i swear these past 3 week have gone by so fast but its weird cause during the week, it feels like forever haha it's probably cause im awake about for about 18-19 hours of the day. early mornings starting at 6, sometimes 5:30 then going to bed around midnight or later makes the day seem so long. Spring training has sucked pretty bad. Fitness is getting old fast and im not a fan of the lifting we are doing. The supersets we do are minimal and I feel like if im gonna be in the gym for about an hour, i want to do more than just two supersets. Its because we do so much stretching and plyometric stuff that we dont lift as much. I guess its more soccer specific lifting which is a good thing.

There really isn't much new and thats kind of the reason why I havent posted much (also because when I sit down to write stuff, I forget about what I was planning on writing). I did tell another teammate about 2 weeks ago. It went well after he believed me. Its a freshman that is pretty close with us cause he's from Moneterrey so he has the latin connection with my roomy haha But when I told him, he didnt believe me for like 15 minutes. We did like a question game between me and my roomy to prove to him that I wasnt lying. It was pretty funny when he was asking me questions then asking my roomy to confirm it. He said it was fine and that he respected still and that it was hard to believe because I didnt act like it.

Also want to say thanks for everyone who commented on the last post. I still think I'm too nice but I dont plan on changing to be some douchebag haha

Well hope everyone is doing well and take it easy

i think i'm too nice

random venting and kind of hard to read...

I dont know what it is, but I just feel like I'm too nice. And I mean I guess its not a bad thing, but sometimes it just pisses off that others aren't the same or they don't acknowledge it. I dont get walked on by any means, but I just put others first. If we have to drive and no one else will (or wants too), I will. It does piss me off being that of my roomies, 2 of us have cars at school but the other kid is so fucking stingy, he doesn't drive anywhere. Yeah we give him shit but he just doesnt get it. (random but he once gave a waiter a fucking 26 cent tip!! it was so embarrassing when the waiter asked what it was) This kid is one I've talked about before in how he is fake and acts Christian-like but its like a mask. And the thing is, I get a long with him like nothing is wrong. I honestly bottle up my emotions and what I think of others to myself so much that I feel like I'm fake. I dont think I am and I dont think others do either. Im honestly just a nice guy.

I think it does have something to do with me being gay. Im accepting of others and honestly am friends with anyone I meet. I will hang out with a person for a night and from then on, we will keep in touch. I talk to my friends friends that I meet randomly. My friends back home always say Im the nice one and will break the fights up.

Like tonight, me and my roomy (the one that I first told) have been in a fight for the past 2 days in which we havent spoken a word to each other. We get pretty heated over soccer cause we are both so competitive and it gets bad when we are playing against each other. But like our fights are stupid in my opinion. And it always ends up with me asking whats wrong and being the first to talk. I just left his room from seeing what was up and he said he thought I was mad at him which is fuckin stupid. yeah I was mad at him but whatever happens on the field stays there for me, it shouldnt carry over into our friendship off the field. He always carries it over and its hard cause we live together so its pretty awkward around the place when we arent talking.

Am I a second class citizen?

This video gave me the chills. I really can't wait for this documentary to come out...

my 6th semester

Well this for sure wont be my most exciting semester to say the least. My class schedule is pretty rough and will make getting a good GPA even more difficult. I'm taking Estate Tax, Fiduciary Law 1, Money and Banking, Philosophy of Business, and World Religions. And these are all on Tuesday's and Thursday. Yes, that means I dont have class Monday, Wednesday, or Friday but after today, I kind of would rather have class throughout the week. I'm fucking exhausted and I have to be up at 6 for fitness. My day today was up at 6 am, fitness test (3 mile run which I got 20.40 on which sucked), class at 8 and 9:30, came back for a nap, then class at 12:30 and 2 to 3:20. Came back to my room and did some laundry. Went to chick for dinner then night class from 6-9 and got back to hang out with the roomies for a bit and now im typing this. Uneventful day but I feel like its taken forever!

Today in my first class, I showed my friend a tweet from Anderson Cooper that was funny and he was like "you know he's gay right?" I said yeah I know, and he replied "yeah thats weird" then laughed, " i lost all respect for him after I found out." I wasn't sure what to say. So I laughed and questioned why and said he's still a good guy as well as news reported. He agreed but still said he isn't a fan anymore because of the whole gay thing. It kind of made me mad and also kind of made me wanted to tell him about me (which I didnt). I wanted to see his reaction but of course that wasnt the time or place to tell him. Im not too close with him so I dont think he will be one I will tell anyways.

I also had a pretty fuckin legit weekend I will have to write about. It was with the kid too, I just need time to write it out ;)

Thats about it I guess. Gonna head to bed so I can get some rest before my beep test in the morning. Night everyone!

the lil bro

So it was for sure a solid Christmas break. Spent some quality time with friends and family. There isn’t too much new on the gay front besides I’m completely out to my family now. My parents and older brother and sister have known for about a year now but I was still waiting on to tell my little brother for certain reasons. He is a freshman in high school and still isn’t mature. He has hard times comprehending things and understanding certain situations. This in part has something to do with his mental state. I’m honestly not sure what he has but he is slow. He doesn’t act his age at all and his education level is far below what it should be. Its frustrating to me cause he seems normal but the things he does are just beyond me. Sometimes I wish I had a younger brother who was ‘normal’ but I just mean a brother who acts his age. I love him to death and always will. He says some funny shit too so he typically keeps me laughing.

But I told him about a week ago I guess and he took it awkwardly to say the least haha He started laughing and kept saying I was joking. He didn’t believe me and thought it was weird, really weird. He asked me about the girls I hang out with and the girls I talked too. I just said we were friends and just hung out a lot. I asked him some questions like if it would change things and if he ever thought I was and he was cool about it all. Telling him was by the far the easiest one for some reason. I guess I was trying to show him something. Like it doesn’t matter who you are cause people will like you for you and you shouldn’t have to worry about things and girls cause he has plenty of years ahead of him.

Also over break, I was wanting to go to a gay bar while I was home but that never happened. I looked some up and found a sports one but just never had alone time to go down there and never had the courage to ask a friend to go haha

That’s about it. I have a couple things I want to get done by 2013. I wouldn’t say they are resolutions but more of goals. One is to be out to my team at school. Yes I know it’s no ones right to know who Im with or attracted to but if they ask, I’m not gonna try to avoid it. Im for sure not gonna go around screaming ‘I like dick’ either haha So hope everyone had a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Years!