since being home, all this gay talk.

warning -  typical writing with no edit and might be slightly hard to follow (haha)

since being home, the gay talk has increased. which is good because i would rather have it discussed then buried inside someone and have them feeling weird discussing it. i've actually somewhat talked about it with my dad for the first time since he was told which was 2 years ago! ( i cant believe its already been 2 years!!) and i talked about it with my lil bro tonight for the a long time.

it was funny, just earlier tonight, me and my lil bro were out shopping for presents for my parents and i brought it up seeing what he thought about me being gay. he is a sophomore in high school but is mentally slow a bit so his maturity level isn't what it should be. he actually surprised me by how much it didnt phase him. he said it didnt matter and was completely cool with how i am gay. the funny thing was that he thought i would still marry a girl even though im gay and he didnt think i would kiss a guy and he didnt think gay guys had sex. he didnt believe all those things and when i told him the truth, he thought it was weird and he laughed quite a bit. i thought all this was funny and he had a good laugh about it.

while being on brake, my out-count has increased as well. ive told 6 people (5 guys and 1 girl)  and plan on telling more while being home. all of them have been chill about it and their reactions were all relatively similar. they thought i was kidding and it took sometime to convince them i was telling the truth. its pretty funny seeing their faces and hearing their reactions when i say it though. most of the guys always say it explains why i stay dressed so well too which i take as a compliment haha.

3 of the 5 guys that i told, i told them this past thursday night. they are my boys i grew up playing club soccer with and we didnt go to the same highschool or even grow up in the same city, but we just always have been pretty close from playing together so we always chill on holiday breaks. ive been meaning to tell these guys though for the longest but as always, its just awkward and hard to bring up. so i decided i would tell them when we went out this break. so i went over to my friends place and told him first then the other 2 showed up and told them as well. they took it well and were shocked but we headed to the bars afterwards. while at the bar, we literally sat and talked for 3-4 hours straight about it all and having some drinks (they were, i wasnt cause i had my wisdom teeth pulled this past week which fuckin sucked). they were asking some pretty funny questions. probably the best one was have i ever sucked a penis haha. but they also if ive had sex, if it hurts, do i or have i had a bf, just all the main questions. honestly i love when people actually ask questions when i tell them cause it helps to let me know that they are okay with it and not like scared of it or anything. and us 4 guys are always joking on each other so throughout the night, they were already making gay jokes which was good and they wanted me to kick with them and stay the night at his place but i couldnt that night so it was cool to see that it clearly didnt change anything that night.

i forgot to write about this earlier but during my stop at Alabama to see my 2 friends that go there, which are both girls, they took me to the gay bar there called Icon. it was a good time but it filled mostly with women and the place was pretty small. probably wouldnt recommend it as it was nothing impressive. but what i liked most about going there was that i didnt have to worry about anything since they all knew i was gay. the girl i stayed with a sorority girl and so we went out 2 nights with all her sorority girls and before i got there, my friend told them my secret so it was just a good feeling not having to worry about what i said or did or anything like that. and me and my friend had some good conversation about guys and just gay stuff in general which is always a talk i like to have.

but thats about it, just an update to show that the coming out process is still in effect and going well! i hope everyone is having a great time with their loved ones and have a blessed Christmas!

updated: just 45 minutes after i posted...

i was brushing my teeth and my lil brother starts asking more questions: "have i done dirty stuff with a guy?" i respond, "whats dirty stuff?" he says, "a bj" and starts cracking up. i started laughing and just brushed it off and he keeps asking if i have. i say maybe and laugh so he laughs even harder. he then asks if i have had sex with a guy. im smiling and laughing. he keeps asking, then goes, "have you ever done a guy?" lol i started dying, i couldnt believe he was asking me these questions. i just tell him and ill let him think of my response. he goes, "yes you have, and that is really weird, ewwwww" hahahaha i told him to make sure to keep this between us being that i havent talked about this with anyone else in my family...

just thought i had to share that funny story

naked rowers...good thing to support

thought this was pretty cool of this university to be so open in order to help a good cause. no way any American university would be seen doing something like this and i think that it reflects the US attitude of sexuality in general...

fear.

a cool video i found while youtube hopping. Big Sean is an artist I like to listen to and this just made me like him even more...if you're not a rap fan or never heard of him, check out the video still, its pretty deep...

i hate writing

i've been sitting (with the exceptions of bathroom breaks, getting food, and napping) in the same place since 11am trying to write a paper in which i still have nothing down yet. its a 10 page paper for my Employee Benefits class over the retirement system in the US and then comparing it to two other countries retirement systems. needless to say, this fucking blows and i cant even think of anything to write. its due Friday and i've had it now for 3 weeks but i've really only just now got time to start on it.

this class is one that isn't my favorite. one thing that really upsets me about this class is that some of the information that im learning and someday will be helping people with, doesn't even apply to me or my future. things such as spousal IRAs and other joint retirement plans with a spouse dont apply to gay people. in the class, a joke was even made about this situation and it got a pretty good laugh from the students. of course i just sat there pissed off on the inside. i was gonna blog about it when it happened but things have just been too busy.

in other news:
-its fucking awesome about the progression for gay-marriage. it gives me a sense of hope in the future for our country leaning to acceptance. it would be way sick if one day, all of the 50 state allowed gay-marriage.

-i'm no longer a college soccer player. my season ended in the first round of our conference tournament in an unfortunate series of events. we lost in penalty kicks 4-3. i took mine and made it but our keeper had to save their next shooter in order to give us one more shot but it didnt happen. ultimately, it was a disappointing season for me. an on-going hamstring plagued my senior year which sucked. i only ended up with 2 goals and 4 assists which isn't up to par for my standards.

-i have less than a month til christmas break and i get to go home and spend time with my fam. i cant fuckin wait for that. i miss them and just being home... my mom came up for our game and spent a couple days up here. we went to Flemings steakhouse (it was banginggg) for her early birthday dinner and we discussed gay issues and how she felt about everything. it was awesome and i absolutely love her. i'm not even ashamed to say im a 'momma's boy' haha

thats about it, hope everyone is doing good! i guess i should try to get back to the paper... (if anyone knows any good info about retirement systems in the US, Australia, or Denmark or Netherlands, leave a comment with some thoughts) hahaha

mad powerful.

i always check huffingtonpost to see what the latest gay news is and love reading articles like these... thought i would share:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/antony-merkel/an-open-letter-to-my-republican-voting-family_b_2096631.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

its been 2 years!

yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of telling the first person (my roommate). its crazy to think its been so long and how much less stressful things have gotten. now im out to 10 teammates, my family of 5, 3 girls here on campus, and 9 friends from back home. i guess its not too many but its a lot more than what i had 2 years ago! haha

Hope everyone had a  good 'Coming Out' day! i told 2 teammates the day before and it went over good. honestly, i find the reactions to be the same and very positive. i feel like it brings me and the person much more closer than before which i like. so i guess what im trying to say is that if you are reading this and you havent told anyone, dont be afraid to. i know its a lot easier said than done but its worth the chance! the only bad reaction i had was from my sister in which she was fine with it but didnt want me to get shit for it at the same time. now, she is super chill with it. i find it fun to come out to people. their reactions of not believing me always cracks me. it takes some persuading for the person to believe it but its in good fun haha

also, thanks for the comments on the last question. that is pretty hot to think of Matt Bomer as a bottom lol its always so hard to tell positions for guys but i think its a lot hotter if the guy is versatile and switches with the partner. love is mutual and sex should be too!

Question #7

Back to the questions in which I haven’t done in a while… but this is one I would love to actually have hard facts on and know what the truth is (doubt I will ever get it though)

So the question is… with the gay couples in Hollywood, who do you think the top/bottom is in the relationship? Or are the couples versatile? And when im talking couples, I mean the likes of Anderson Cooper, Neil Patrick Harris, and Matt Bomer and whatever gay celebrities there are out there.  And do you think these guys have sex a lot? haha

For some reason, this question really intrigues me and I would love to know the truth for some reason. Maybe im weird for having this thought when I see those guys, but I am gay and I would love to know who takes it and who gives it haha I wonder if Cooper has sex a lot, I mean he is single (I think) and is a super good looking guy so im sure he gets plenty of offers haha And which is the most hung you think? haha

Whats yalls thoughts on this question?

senior season

My senior season really isn’t goin as planned. We’ve played 11 games and I’ve missed 5 of them due to a hamstring injury. Our record is pretty solid and have beaten some quality teams; teams that really should of smacked us. Yes, its awesome having a good record with good wins, but honestly, it doesn’t mean much to me being that I haven’t been able to contribute like I want to. Maybe im selfish and am probably a bad teammate for having these thoughts, but I hate sitting on the sideline during training and especially during games. It fuckin blows having to shag balls from behind the goal during shooting drills instead of me putting the ball into the back of the net during those drills. It sucks having to watch coach write another players name (who happens to be one of my roommates and only a sophomore) on the dry-erase board of starters before the game instead of seeing him write my name on the board. This fucking injury is killing me and its probably the worst watching my team suffer a loss.

I haven’t had much time to write as much as I would like to but then again, not much is new really. Im writing this on the bus back to school. We just lost our 3^rd game of the year to a team we should easily beat (I’ve sat out 2 of the 3 losses). Hopefully I’ll be back in about a week or two and be able to help my team like I want to.

SameLove

recap/update

So as of lately: both the summer and the internship are done, and now school and the season has started. The past month and a half has basically been a blur. I’ve been constantly busy with everything starting back up. Training 2 and sometimes 3 times a day really tires you out. On top of everything, our Internet in our apartment has been down for the past 4 weeks and it finally has been fixed today. Have only had Internet on my phone but didn’t feel like typing a long post on there.

To pick up where I left off, New York City is fuckin legit. I absolutely loved it there and want to go back already. The 3 and a half days I spent there were all way sick. Got to walk around the city during the day as well as at night. Spend some quality time with different friends and also had a lil fun with a guy haha That city really is in a class of its own. Theres something about it that I have fell in love with. I don’t know, you can just do your own thing and get lost in the city without having to worry about others. Its so diverse and different that no one cares what you do as long as your not in their way while they are walking lol It was way sick seeing gay couples openly holding hands/kissing in public. I haven’t seen that type of stuff in many places. One of the nights, my gay friend and me went to a gay area and that felt awesome to just be so relaxed about everything and not worry about being judged or whatever. After school, I have to find a way to find a job up there that will support me to live in the city cause that place is mad expensive.

The internship is over and kind of glad it is. Overall it was a decent learning experience but just wish I had an internship in a different city. Staying in Raleigh wasn’t ideal and I really hope I get a different internship this coming summer. The main thing I took from this past summer was that I now know I don’t want to work in Trust Support Services haha Working the back and doing daily operational stuff really isn’t my cup of tea. I want to be working directly with clients helping them face to face. I know out of school, I’ll have to put in my time and do bullshit work but I hope to be a Trust Officer which could lead to making some serious bank.

School is back up and running and im not to fond of it so far. The semester is gonna be pretty difficult. All my classes are for my major and im taking 2 grad classes as well. Im in this program where I get my undergrad/masters in 5 years so it combines my 4^th and 5^th year together. One plus of my classes this year is that I have a hot teacher! This guy is about late 20’s and graduated from my school. He played baseball here and now works at a bank but teaches this Tuesday night Investments class. Its chill and its 3 hours every Tuesday but him teaching it makes its bearable haha

Soccer is going well and we’ve played 3 games so far and haven’t lost one. Played a team that was in the top 20 and tied them which was solid. I haven’t scored yet but I can feel it coming pretty soon.

That’s about it, wanted to write a quick update on whats been going on as of the past month. Take it easy

forrest gump running on my mind

so instead of flying out to NY tonight, im back home, about to kick it and play FIFA. my fuckin flight got canceled haha they are having some really bad storms there right now causing power outages and stuff so they shut down the airport. it kind of sucks but things could be worse as always. just hope everyone is safe up there...

wanted to post these 2 songs since they are actually GAY related. the first is by Frank Ocean. he is a R&B artist and relatively new. i never listened to too much of his stuff before i heard the news that he came out but that was more because i just never gave the time to listen to his stuff then once i heard, it sparked an interest in me to check his stuff out. of course this was a pretty big shock to people being that he is a black R&B artist. its just not heard of really in that industry. he came out by writing on his tumblr. he also did this like a couple days before his first studio album was being released (which is called Channel Orange and its mad chill!) its been on repeat the past week since i downloaded it and one song actually is about a boy. its called Forrest Gump and it just talks about a football player he had a crush on. its simple and pretty repetitive lyrics but i like it. so here it is:



also, here is the coming out letter that he posted on his tumblr...

then the next song is from Macklemore. i dont really listen to ths stuff but a couple of my teammates do and every song i've heard has been pretty solid. i found this song on facebook because a friend posted it. pretty sick so take a listen:



well hope yall enjoy the songs and i'll be back to tell you about my NY adventures!

did some shoppin

since i didnt go to the beach this weekend which kind of sucked, i spoiled myself and did some major shopping. went to these outlets thats about an hour away from my place then after that, went to two other malls in the area. thought i would share what i purchased...

got me two pairs of Nike's from their outlet. they were $69 each which was a decent price i thought and since i got me a shoe fetish, i felt like i needed them haha

this was from Nike as well. pretty simple tee for $17. trying to support my country for the Olympics!

the new timepiece. an Adidas watch which i got from Fossil for $24

 

the two button downs (one short/one long sleeve) are both from J.Crew and only $15 each then the pocket tees are from J.Crew as well and were $13 each

    a simple graphic tee from H&M at the mall for $12

i didnt get this today but got it a couple weeks ago from Gap for $12. i wore it today though and had like 5 people say they really liked it. it was funny having so many people ask where i got it. class Bob Marley

and i didnt get this but i literally started laughing out loud when i saw this tee-shirt. it was at Gap and thought it was hilarious hahaha

i dont think i have ever spent so much money in one day. it was almost 3 days of work pay!! haha but good thing i got this internship and getting paid lol i also got me a pair of jeans from Banana Republic for $33.

i actually enojoy shopping and i guess its a gay trait of mine haha i like to look good and like to get fresh stuff at cheap prices. i make sure to get all my stuff on sale in order to save some money. if i paid full price for everything i bought today, it would of been over double of what i paid for it all.

thats about it i guess...well, i am going to New York this Wednesday to Sunday. im just going to visit and check the city out. i've never been and have always wanted to so i got 2 days off of work and bought a ticket and gonna be staying with some different friends while im there. i cant fuckin wait to explore and get lost in the city. its going to be so sick

skinny dippin in the ocean

this past weekend i scratched that off the bucket list. went to the beach again and it was a solid ass time. it was me, my friend that lives there (the girl), then a teammate that just graduated (was the kid in DC that i went to go see) and his girlfriend from school. she is a year younger than me and two years younger than my teammate. his gf was the odd ball out on not knowing my secret but she did end up getting told haha

we chilled all day saturday on the beach and got some sun then at night, we ended up just chillin at the condo and killed 4 big bottles of wine. we were pretty toasted by the end of the night haha it started with us just hangin out on the balcony over looking the sun setting over the beach  (not literally but it getting dark). we started playin the drinking game circle of death (or Kings cup). its where the cards are in a circle of the table and a person picks a card and each card represents something. so about 30-40 minutes pass. i think a jack was pulled and it was like the second one of the game but when its pulled, everyone puts 3 fingers up and you play 'never have i ever'. you go around in a circle saying things you havent done and try to get the others to put their fingers down. (these things are supposed to be deep secrets or just dirty funny things) well my teammate said "never have i ever sucked a big dick" and we all started laughing and the girl looked right at me and started cracking up then my teammate looked at me and started dying and said "ooohhh shittt my bad haha i didnt mean to". so it was us 3 cracking up and his gf just sitting there not knowing what the inside joke was. he said it didnt mean it and completely forgot which i didnt care since i was somewhat plannin on tell the gf anyways that weekend. but we go on to a couple more cards and then i eventually just break it down what happened. i felt bad cause my teammate was still laughing about what happened and she had no idea what was so funny. she took it awesome and had no idea and thought it was cool. after i told her, the game ended simply because we were talking about everything. after about the 3rd bottle, we were talking about anal sex, dick sizes, and just about everything else haha and it was the 4 of us talking about it. it was hilarious and such a chill night. then at like 1am we decided to go skinny dipping in the ocean. it was fuckin freezzinggg! we were there for like 20-30 minutes then me and the girl headed back to the room and left them to fuck on the beach. unfortunately, they didnt because his dick was too sandy and so was her area haha then a security guy came out and saw them so they just came back to the room. when they got back, we drove to mcdonalds and killed some nugs (chicken nuggets) haha they are so bangin when your drunk.

me and my baby

just free talk

It was another successful weekend at the beach. it was just me and my friend (the girl who wanted to have a 3some with me/she knows about me) just hanging out. drove down there friday right after work and when i got there we went to dinner. a local pizza place which was banging. we were gonna see Magic Mike (the movie with the male strippers) but it was sold out so we bought tickets for the saturday night showing. it was a decent movie. i was 1 of 3 guys in the theater and im pretty sure every girl/woman/mom on the island was at the movies that weekend seeing it haha Channing Tatum is a good lookin guy but i liked Matt Bomer better. I completely forgot he was in the movie til after and he is mad sexy too. even with the age difference, i wouldnt mind dating him! and of course Matthew McConaughey was real solid as well. the story line of the movie was okay i guess but for the naked guys dancing on stage, you should check it out. seeing that was a perk of being out to this girl cause if she didnt know, i wouldnt of been able to see it.


but friday night we went back and lit up (first time since christmas) on the beach at night. went out there at 11:30 and didnt come back til 1am. we just sat there and talked. the conversation just kept flowing from one thing to another. we did the same thing saturday but went out at midnight and came in at 2. it was by the best conversations ive had. so chill out there with the ocean breeze and the waves crashin down under the moon. i saw my second shootin star too. we talked literally about everything. her ex bf (my best friend at school/teammate/first person i told) they had a thing for a while but have been fuckin since november and shes pissed cause he doesnt want a relationship. kind of awkward for me since im best friends with both. perks of being the gay best friend and the teammate to the other huh? we also talked about being gay, gay stuff in general, my relationships, our futures, the universe, and other things haha it was awesome and i couldnt be happier that the conversation was with her. i cant wait to have more conversations like those.


im sure everywhere has read that Andersoon Cooper came out (publicly) today. this is awesome because he is a great guy and great role model for others. he is one of my favorite news personel to watch. and i think he is mad sexy too! haha but how could you not think he is cute after watching his giggle fits...at least he is a good sport about it

but here are some pics i thought i would share...

 the view from here condo... i posted one before i think but its too nice not to show again

the beach...there were some surfers out there too which was cool watching

view from the pier...the two big buildings in the back is where she stays

the dude is the hat hooked a 6ft shark! it was fuckin nuts. he was trying to real him in for 40 minutes and when he was about to get the shark out the water, the line snapped. this was on the pier too so people were swimmin somewhat close to this

i tried snappin a pic of the shark. try to see if you can spot him. he is very faint in the picture.

and thought i would share my pain with yall. my sunburn. im lookin like a lobster right now. we went out saturday to the beach but left for lunch and when we came back to lay out for 4 more hours, i didnt reapply sunblock and now im payin for it haha...im just tryin to get rid of the paleness!

...ahhh and i told another guy tonight. just over facebook chat. it was a teammate i played with my freshman year but he left after a semester. we were real close and still talk and just told after talkin with him for a bit. and his response... "ahahaha your fuckin with me" lol he was cool with it though. never thought it and thought it was cool, so one more down! 

Question #6

back with another question that i would like to get some feedback with. (even my second post of the day)...

So the question is... What is the age difference between a guy you would be willing to talk to regarding him being older or younger?

I've heard age is just a number but the whole number thing still effects how i see someone and how appropriate it would be for me to date/sleep with the guy. I tend to find older guys sexy and their look just seems more manly than a younger guy but I still dont think I could date a 35 year old something guy like that. it would be way to weird for me in public and just knowing the views of my friends/family wouldn't think it was right.

I went on two dates with this one guy and he was decent. Good looking, very smart, and nice but he was 25. Me having an older brother who is 26 and an older sister who is 24, it just seemed weird mentally for me to think about dating this guy. (not every guy im gonna date, ill end up marrying but still.) Even with ECCC, it felt weird even though we were only 3 years apart. It would be awesome to find a guy who is a year older or a year younger, maybe 2 but i just feel like anything more than that is stretching it.

These are just my views but i just wanted some opinions from others... so im all ears! haha

drake concert

so this past Wednesday I went to the Drake concert here in Raleigh and it was fuckin sick. he is my favorite rapper and has been for a while. he's humble, intelligent, a thug (some might disagree since he played a character in DeGrassi haha), and his lyrics are very chill. also at the concert was J.Cole, 2 Chainz, and Meek Mill. All of them absolutely killed it and the crowd was going crazy.

It was a decent crowd and since it was super hot out, a lot of the guys were shirtless which of course I didnt mind. the guys here in NC tend to be very fratty. Not a bad style but they all dress the same and have the same haircuts which is kind of weird i think. very conformal...also i was literally in the middle of a fight between these two girls that was so sick. it was crazy and i got pushed a couple times by the surrounding people but it was just mad funny watch this girl the slap these other two girls right across the face then pounce on top of her to take her to the ground. for sure the closest ive ever been to a fight.

well i have videos i was gonna put on here but they aren't working and really, the sound is shit since the bass was so intense at the concert so no worries then.




not video but decent sound quality...this is one my favorite songs by Drake too


same song but from another view. this is towards the back of the arena so you can see how many people were there. it was pretty dope


No Lie by 2 Chainz and Drake... this isn't my video but found it on youtube and this is actually really close to where i was sitting. i have a video but you cant hear anything from it

relationships

So last weekend I was in Nashville for my older brothers wedding. It was a great time. Seeing family I haven't seen since I was like 10 and meeting family I've never met before was awesome. (i've got some goodlooking relatives I didn't know about ) And then to see my immediate family is always a blast. With my relatives, I got the typical questions like: do I have a girlfriend, when will I get a girlfriend, have I been seeing someone, you should come up to where I live so we can go to the bars and pick up girls (the usual). Clearly Im not out to them and they have no idea. No one outside my immediate family knows and not sure if they ever will.

The night before the wedding, we did like a watered-down bachelor party since my brother couldnt do one prior to the wedding due to work. So we went downtown and had a blast. My brother might of had too much fun cause the next morning, his head was in the toilet for a good four hours. He felt like shit and regretted going out the night before. But in the end, he cleaned up and we made it on time to do pictures.

Seeing my brother up there and my new sister was a crazy feeling. Honestly, I couldnt believe he was getting married. I feel like we are still so young even though he is 26 and has been dating his wife for 6 years now (long I know and they knew as well lol). I got teary eyed when they were doing their vows and my brother even started tearing up. Im not much of an emotional guy but seeing such powerful things being said between two people really hits the heart hard. I cant be any happier for the two of them and I absolutely love his wife. She is so chill and super nice and cant wait for them to have a kid so I can be the cool uncle and spoil the kid (better be a boy though).

But as this relates to what I was thinking, I really want to feel those feelings like they have for another guy. I want to be able to bring him home to the family and have him meet my brothers and sisters and have him feel the love of my family. I want to love another guy to where I cant see myself with anyone else. As for the whole wedding thing, i dont know if it would be a huge celebration or just a quiet thing between the two of us, I guess that will be decided if I ever meet someone but I just want to experience that 'love' feeling. Sounds cheesy and corny I know but I feel like being gay makes it that more lonely and harder to deal with this type of thing. Especially since I'm still considered 'straight' to more than 9/10 of the people I know. Finding someone like me and in the same situation makes it so much fuckin harder.

When I go out back at school, the guys that know will point out the gay guys (the obvious ones with the lisp and odd body actions...not that i have anything against them, just not my type) and tell me I should talk to them or hook up with them. Well those clearly aren't my type of guys. It gets annoying when they do this cause they dont understand how easy they have it if they feel like finding a girl. The guys Im attracted to are ones you would never expect. After knowing them years and you wouldn't suspect a thing are the guys I would love to find and talk to. Having such a disguise makes it hard for another gay guy to find them. ( I guess I could be missing opportunities since Im not out and potentially another gay guy could be at my school and doesnt know about me so kind of a sticky situation) It just sucks it what Im trying to say. I would love to have a relationship and be able to talk with the guy about anything and everything. I know the chances are pretty slim about this and probs gonna be awhile as well. I feel like I'm recognizing this even more since this internship. I workout, go to work, play soccer, and repeat. Same shit every day and not a guy to just talk to.

I did want to start possibly trying to date but this leaves me up to online sites. Im kind of on the fence about them. I guess its the only way for me to potentially find someone due to my situation but I think it would be way sick to find a guy in person through common interests. Last night I did go out and get drinks with a guy from a (dating) site. And Ive tried all types of sites but none of them really live up to the expectations that I would have for them. But the guy I met up with last night was fun. We only chatted for maybe two days online then since we both had nothing going on yesterday decided to get drinks. He showed me around downtown which was nice. Hung out for like 5 hours just talking over drinks. It was good conversation and not to many awkward silences which was good. He isn't the athletic type I've always wanted but he is the smart guy which is nice. He did offer for me to go back to his place since he lived 10 minutes away and I was 30 but I declined and went home alone. Thought about it the whole way home and wasnt sure if I made the right choice. I didnt plan on sleeping or doing anything with him but just thinking about being able to law with a guy stayed on my mind for a while. Not sure where its gonna go but i dont know I might see him again.

well just another random post that probably doesnt make sense but main point is, i want a relationship. with a gay guy who seems straight. haha

work, travel, and shit-updated with pics

updated it with some pics i took during my trips (they are at the bottom)...

things have for sure been pretty busy and will continue to stay busy since i just signed up for 2 soccer leagues to play in over the summer. One being an indoor league on Tuesday night (played last night and scored 5 of our 11 goals) and then the next starts Monday and will be played on Monday and Wednesday nights. Pretty stoked about it

Work has been okay. Just intern stuff. Some days I literally surf the web reading random news articles. yahoo and aol have been keeping me busy when i dont have shit to do. this past week Ive actually been learning someones desk cause the lady is taking vacation next week and im going to be doing her job. should be pretty fun and at least i'll be busy for the majority of the day.

The past couple of weekends have been pretty solid though. This past weekend I was at the beach. My friend from school has an internship and has a condo right on the beach for the summer. The drive is only 2 and a half hours so Ill def be going there almost every weekend haha I need to get some sun cause im real white! Over the weekend, I got pretty toasted though and now Im paying for it. The sunburn is was really bad since I didnt wear lotion which was an awful idea.

The weekend before the beach, I drove to DC. My brother was working up there and I also have a teammate that lives 20 from downtown so it worked out perfectly. I stayed with my friend F/S/S and on Friday night when we got there, we went to go play futsal (soccer on a basketball court) at like 11 at night at Kevin Durants highschool gym. It was pretty cool with the banners and pics of him there. The futsal was awesome as well. Then Saturday we walked around the Georgetown area which was awesome! I would love to live there after college. Very youthful and vibrant city. The shops around the city were mad cool then the river with the outdoor stuff was nice. There were so many people out running and on the river and sooo many goodlooking people! Saw some pretty decent guys running which was nice haha it was funny to cause my friend knows about me and would comment on them too with me. Then Sunday we walked around downtown DC and went to all the monuments and a couple museums. Since it was Memorial Day weekend, there were so many vets which was cool seeing them and just thinking about what they have done for us was humbling. I appreciate the servicemen so much. We went to the Spy museum but it was $20 to get in so we decided not to go but then went to the gift shop which where the exit was to the museum, so we waited for the security guard to leave then snuck in that way haha it was pretty cool and our hearts were racing from doing that.

Then I left Monday morning cause my mom flew to NC to see me and my brother was working again in the city so me and her hung out all day and did some shopping. She hooked me up with a few things then I took her to Ruth's Chris for dinner. I love that place and was my second time going with her. I told the people it was her birthday (its in november) but they put rose petals on the table and gave her a chocolate cake thing at the end of dinner. She loved it all and i paid since I got my first BIG paycheck the previous Friday (and this is why Im her favorite haha)

Thats about it really. Leaving tomorrow to go to Nashville because my older brother is getting married! Pretty excited about it and cant wait to see my fam and extended family members. Im sure it will be a good ass time.

-ps- watched Weekend on netflix (recommended by closet med in his blog) and it was such a fuckin good movie! im probs gonna watch it again next week. real good story and good portrayal of characters. i recommend for sure! ...also funny/awesome story since i use my best friends netflix account (basketball player friend), i asked him who else uses his account and he said a couple of friends and told him why I asked and stuff since i wanted to watch a gay movie, and he replied "to be honest i dont know who does, but you can watch it if you want to!" seeing that felt pretty good though

 the White House

 the reflecting pool with no reflection...they were redoing it because of a leak

 at the dinosaur exhibition in the Smithsonian

 Georgetown University...it reminded me of Hogwarts

 the view form my friends balcony

 private beach chillin

 taken at night when me and my friend sat outside talking for like 2 hours

 leaving the island

 my friends puppy. the thing was fuckin doppee haha

 the steak at Ruth's Chris. it was amazing.

first week as an intern

Been doing the grown thing and working 8-5 for the past four days and only got about 12 weeks left! haha The first week on the job has been pretty slow and when I mean pretty slow, I mean very slow. Like yesterday and today, I got there at 8am and didnt start doing anything until about 10-10:30. I literally just sit in my cubicle and either draw/color like I did this morning, or I go on the computer. Im hesitant about surfing the web though just cause I dont know if Im supposed to. Yesterday I sat in on two meetings and they were super boring. I guess it doesnt help being that I didnt know much what they were discussing but regardless, they were way too long and way to slow. The first one was a like a monthly meeting within the unit Im interning in and with the supervisor of the whole operations. They discussed a new website that will replace the existing one, some different mail system regarding checks to clients, and some other updates. Then the second one was about a project they are in the middle of doing which will make it easier to look up and deal with clients accounts. I have started some processes and inputting data into the computer that deals with the new project though which is kind of cool. I have to search peoples accounts and check to see what type of account it is, (CRAT, CRUT, exectorship, rev/irrev, charitable trust, etc) and then list their ID number in which it will help to identify. It is a tedious process but still cool to actually know what the stuff means since Ive seen it in school. Hopefully things start to pick up a bit and I get more hands on stuff though

this is my cubicle

my picture from this morning...it took like an hour or so on and off haha

this is my room for the summer (the bed is so tiny!)

an old pic. this is from the drag show at the gay club

 (the bright spot is the drag queen)

 

 and this pic is from the remaining days at school. me 

on the right and my roomy on the left (the one who i told first). he 

moved his bed in my room for the last 3 nights while we

were at school haha we also had the girl he's talking/smashing

 with us. she slept with him though

i passed!

well i will officially starting grad school classes in the fall now! in order to get into my schools grad school program, I had to make a 450 and I barely squeaked by with a 480 haha. that test is pretty difficult since you cant use a calculator and its all math from 8th grade and high school (which during those years, I relied heavily on other people if you know what i mean haha) I basically just retaught myself all the math within a week before the test. Its been a pretty big ass weight lifted off my shoulder and we celebrated it very well.

the Wednesday night of when I passed, me and my roomy then my roomy for next all went to dinner then to see Think Like a Man. that movie was maddd funny. I fuckin love Kevin Hart and i think he is a great comedian and he is a decent actor. if you havent seen it, check it out even though its not the typical comedy. its a certain type of humor that me and my roomy love.

Thursday we out to a club as an end of the year celebration with the whole team. it was a real solid time. almost my whole team was there and there was a bunch of kids from school that were there as well. its a decent size club but it was packed wall to wall. kind of just posted up at this spot at the bar with my boys as girls came by. on the way back, we stopped at mcdonalds which is standard cause it taste soooo good when your drunk. got some nuggets then headed home. we got pulled over and it was my car but luckily didnt get a ticket. i wasnt driving but the kid was speeding and kind of talked the cop out of it.

Friday night we went to a gay club. it was somehting ive been meaning to do and i brought it up earlier in the week and the guys wanted to go so bad so we did. it was me, my roomy, my roomy for next year, then the senior on the team that knows, and the only girl at the school that knows (the girl that wanted the threesome with me and also who my roomy smashes all the time). it was a fun time but wasnt really what i was expecting. the place was big but not many people. maybe like 40 peolpe tops and they were all pretty old and very flamboyant. i got 2 numbers that night with the help of my friends being the wing-man. one was a guy and the other was a girl though haha. during the night, we saw the drag show and my friends were loving it! like the queen walked around the room as people gave money to him. so my friends like surrounded me and as the queen got close to me, like let him come to me and gave me money to give to him. got kissed twice on the cheek by two seperate queens haha overall it was a good time and i dont know about heading back though. my friends said they want to go next semester though

then saturday we kind of recovered and started studying cause right now is finals week. been pretty stressed out cause i had two tests yesterday and had one today which completely fucked me. it was estate tax and it was crazy hard. tomorrow i got money and banking then friday got philosophy of business. cant wait til friday though being done with school. also moving into my place for the summer which i start my internship monday! nerovous but excited about that

thats about it though...hope things are good with everyone!

a lil soccer update and a big goal

Not to much new as of lately besides being done with a very busy two weeks of school and training. Had so many tests and homework assignments all at once on top of doing 6 am workouts (because of punishment of teammates fuckin up) and our normal training/lifting schedule. Waking up so early then going to bed so late really takes a toll on the body. This past week I was sore and just exhausted the whole time.

This past weekend we had two games (kind of). During our spring season, we are only allowed 5 playing days for games due to NCAA rules and due to this, we schedule games where we double up and play shorter half's. Because of this, we normally play two 60-minute games instead of the full 90 minutes...This past weekend, we played two games against two D-1 opponents here in NC. The first game we played the team who won the national championship last semester and did pretty well against them. We lost 2-1 but it was kind of bullshit. I scored our goal (which was a pretty sick feeling scoring against the former national champs), then they scored like 10 minutes later off a freekick where our goalie just dropped the ball off a routine save. Then they scored with like 5 minutes left. It was a real even game and we only played 45 minutes total so I think we could of done better if we played longer. They said they only wanted to play 45 minutes cause they were short players when they had like 26 players with them and we only had 14 haha Our team is struggling with injuries and kids that left. The second game we tied 1-1. We were up 1-0 then the other team scored in the last 2 minutes to tie it. I guess overall it was a solid experience and took a lot from it. I was so sore yesterday though. (also I didnt get into any fights or get any cards which was solid)

And right now Im about to take a nap haha. Only 8:15 in the morning and about to pass out til noonish. Had our last 6am workout then got breakfast and dont have anything until 3 which is lifting. I only need to study for the GMAT which I set my test day for April 25th so just over a week (fuckin super nervous)

connecting the dots between bloggers

I've been debating to write about this or not but thought since its my blog and my personal journey and basically my journal, I might as well jot it down that way I can look back at it in the future...

So not sure if this is even supposed to be public or what not, but since it involved me somewhat in some manner, I'm gonna put my input in... Connecting the dots between Frat Star's weekly 'Frat Star Friday's' posting in Bi Like Me and my past with East Coast Closet Case, I could tell the hookup that is described in Frat Star's last post was between him and ECCC. I read this last Friday when he first posted it and thought about it to myself. I had a slight hesitation to think that this really couldn't be ECCC because the way he described his visit to Frat Star's local city was one that was average. I guess he made it seem like that to hide the fact that he hooked up with this dude. He told me how he brought his friends to Frat Star's place and said it was fun and I think that ECCC's friend that knows about him, made sure he didnt do anything with the guy being that she knew Frat Star's situation and how he is gay. Well clearly she either didn't do a good job of that or ECCC just didn't listen.

To be honest, I didn't care all that much. I mean me and ECCC aren't together and really aren't as close as what we used to be. I just think its funny how he tried to claim that I was already moving on by the other (joking) comments I put on other people's blogs but there he is fucking another blogger behind my back. (another thing I thought was funny was the linking to my blog in his posts to make me out to be the bad guy in the situation when I didnt do shit. this is just my personal view on it so might be wrong.) Then Friday night he texted me saying we needed to talk and I needed to call him. I knew what it was already about so I really didnt care to hear what he had to say. Maybe I should of given him a chance to explain his side but truthfully it doesnt fuckin matter what he has to say. He texted me saying it wasn't the whole story and he wanted to explain his side. I dont know what his side will do to persuade my thoughts about him but I doubt there is one.

Yeah I'm a nice guy and will do anything for almost anyone but when someone lies and then tries to confess to make things right, it really doesnt do much for me. Especially with someone I've trusted for a good amount of time like that. It's whatever though, I'm not even that mad, I just thought it was funny it was ironic like that...

On another note, had two games this past weekend and won both. First one 2-1 and second 3-0. Scored the first goal in both games and it was a sick header in the second game. Then I got a straight red card in the second half for punching a guy in his side. It was because he elbowed me after the play so I hit him and the ref saw but we both got reds. My coach was pretty heated though haha

And I'm going home Thursday for Easter which Im pretty pumped for. Since I wont be able to go home all summer, my mom got me a ticket to go home for Good Friday since we got that off

the double life is fading

So a commenter on my last post pointed out that my title is seemingly becoming less descriptive of my situation. Yes this is true. My double life of what used to be me being deep in the closet and me acting as if I was just another heterosexual male is diminishing. Though there are some boundaries in which this still exists. I'm not 'out' 100%. Im not even out 50% haha. I am out to a comfortable number of people that I am close with and care enough to tell them about me. I haven't blended these worlds together though and they stay pretty far from each other. For the majority of the people that I have told, it has basically been a "tell-and-go." I told them and thats about it. We havent discussed it much any further. There have been the exceptions though like my roommate and the girl here at school. They will ask me anything thats on their mind about the topic and crack jokes (in good fun) about me. I love it being an open topic to where its not looked at as a taboo subject and a sensitive one where people are afraid to talk about. I know with the people I have told, its somewhat of a new thing. I guess they havent had a close friend that has come out to them before so they dont know what is off limits and what is within limits. Im sure with time it will break down and it will be just a normal thing.

So I guess I might consider a new title for my blog soon. The suggestion that was made was "Getting Comfortable in My Own Skin," which for sure fits my situation. I'm still on this track because Im not 100% comfortable with the whole gay thing yet. It might seem like I am, but there are still situations in which I feel uncomfortable or awkward with being gay. Time is still taking its toll with this and I know I will get there one day...

Thanks to the anonymous commenter who left the comment! and thanks to everyone else who commented on the last post...still iffy about writing a thing for outsports

take it easy

growing up

This past weekend I was doing my schedule for my first semester of senior year. I cant even believe Im about to be a senior. Where has the time gone?! I cant say I'm upset or sad that school is somewhat coming to a close cause I honestly want to start my next chapter in life. No lie I am nervous as fuck about it though haha

Right now, I'm kind of stuck on what will happen. June 1st is a big deadline date for me. By that time, I have to my all my paperwork in and have passed the GMAT in order to start my grad school program. My senior year right now is planned to contain master classes. Im doing a 3-2 program which allows me to get my masters in a year because it combines my senior year with grad school. For this to take effect, I have to pass the GMAT which seems pretty hard from the book I got to study. It sucks cause I have to study for that test and take it relatively soon so that means additional stuff to study during school. My semester ends the 5th here and on the 7th is when I start my first day of my summer long internship (another thing that im extra nervous for). I'll be working for a bank and within the division of my major. It will for sure be a good learning opportunity that Im pretty pumped for but it just sucks that I wont be able to go home at all during the summer.

So yeah, its crazy I started this thing second semester of my freshman year and not out to anyone and now Im almost a senior and out a number of people. No way I would of pictured where Im at right now when I started this thing.

Got two questions for anyone who wants to comment... 1) Has anyone taken the GMAT recently or know of anyone who has and have any thoughts about it? I dont know what to expect besides an SAT on steroids. 2) From my post saying I want to help others who are afraid or questioning to come out, would it be worth it to write to outsports to tell my story. I mean Im not even fully out so not sure if it would be worth it and they have plenty of athlete stories that are way better than mine haha...so leave a comment if you life, it would be appreciated

take it easy eveyone

my first soccer fight

Last night was our second spring game and unfortunately we lost. It was a pretty weak defeat since it was 2-1 and we were up 1-0 and had a goal called back. The game winning goal for them came in the last 3 minutes as well on a deflection that bounced just over our goalie. I guess we took some good things from the game and especially since it was against a professional team. Not MLS but a team from the USL division which is under the MLS.

But last night, there were some firsts for me. I did my first slide tackle (sounds weird but im just not the type of player to slide) and I got in my first fight (it wasn't that big though but still pretty sick). The fight was caused by my tackle as well.

It happened in the first half and I had the ball at half field but lost it in a tackle. The ball popped out to their center back who started dribbling and I decided to dive in and win the ball back. It was slick on the field cause of the dew and I came in pretty hard. I didnt get any ball and just got all ankle. It was pretty bad tackle but felt awesome to do it. (this guy also got me in the first half with a tackle and told me to quit bitching to the ref and the next tackle would be worse). So it was somewhat of a revenge cause the guy was a bitch. He got up pretty quick and got in my face and pushed me. I stepped back into and said some choice words. He then grabbed my throat like somewhat choking me. This shocked me and I made a quick decision to slap him across his face. (I know slapping a guy seems like a bitch move but I honestly didnt want to hit him cause i didnt want to get a straight red and die from this big dude haha).  He then came back at me and grabbed my throat again. So I slapped him across the face even harder (my keeper said he could hear back at our goal). I connected pretty well and I honestly should of just fuckin smashed him. After the second hit, I was pulled away and he was pulled away. Shit got intense and my boy/roommate/first person i told/brother got into as well and was backing me up. It was awesome to see that. But we were just going back and forth cussing each other out and talking shit the rest of the half. And in the end, we both only got a yellow. Im sure it was just cause a friendly cause the initial tackle could of been a straight red haha

When we got on the bus everyone was talking about it and saying how sick the whole thing was. They were saying they were proud of me for not backing down and actually doing something about it even though it was a slap haha My coach didnt even say anything to me which surprised me.

So yeah, it was pretty sick and felt pretty good to do haha, just sucks we lost to that shit team

somewhat of a random update

First day of school back from spring break and had my first volunteering thing at the elementary school on campus. Our soccer team is volunteering for the month of March on MWF for an hour each day. I'm with a kindergarten class and already a class favorite haha I've said it plenty of times but I love working with kids. Its awesome to be around them and then to see them learn, it makes it that much better! Today we did patterns in math so it was fun making patterns with them.

Over spring break, I went home to enjoy the time with my family. It was awesome just to be back in a city and being able to chill without school and soccer. The first weekend back I drove to Austin which is about 3 hours from Dallas to see a friend from back home at his college and also to see 2 of my teammates from school that live there. We went out to 6th Street on Saturday night and it was fucking nuts. By far one of the best nights going out. Its comparable to Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Soooo many people and bars. They close the street down and its just a shit show everywhere. It was a good ass time...During the day I met up with a highschool friend and he showed us around UT where he goes. That school is insanely nice! I wish I could start school over and just go there. If you havent been there, you should def check out UT and the city of Austin, theres so much to see!

Uhhhhhh... also saw Project X and Act of Valor over break with my lil bro. CHECK THOSE OUT! Sick movies especially Act of Valor. I think every American should see that movie. Or actually anyone to show and gain a respect for service men. I teared up at the end of it. Both solid movies.

Before spring break, I told another teammate and it went perfectly. He was a kid I wasn't worried about telling cause he is super open-minded. I asked for him to come down cause he lives above me and just told him. We talked for like 3 hours about everything and how society views gays and how it relates to religion. It was an awesome talk and real glad I told him.

Thats about it. The post was everywhere but just wanted to write that stuff down...Hope everyone is doing well!

my first 'sorta' relationship

My first ever relationship is over. I'm not sure if it was considered a relationship cause we didnt declare it or never made it official but I guess I would consider it my first one. We texted every day, talked on the phone randomly, basically we were there for each other. And yeah, we hooked up for those who was thinking it. But it was for sure way beyond the hookups. I would say thats just a bonus to a relationship. I might be different than other guys, but I guess im not looking for the next ass or trying to get off everyday. Im more for the connection between us and being able to relate to each other. It was great what me and ECCC had...But for some reason, my feelings changed and things just weren't the same. It kind of fell off. Not sure what else to say but we are still friends and still talk. I actually met up with him last night cause I was in his area.

half way there

So after that post yesterday, I was just in the mood to try to push the boundaries and so I did... I told 3 teammates after training on the way to dinner. These are kids that I've been meaning to tell but just didnt get around to it and the times I was going too, I bitched out. But yeah, I told them and they were mad chill about it. It was by far the most awkward telling them though cause I've never told more than one person at a time and this was 3 of them in my car while I was driving. The kid in the driver seat had a look like he saw a ghost or something when I told him. It made me feel weird cause he just froze and was super stunned. But after explaining how people knew and stuff, the mood lightened up. So now with 3 more down, I'm half way out to my team

i want to make a difference

Since being somewhat 'out' and reading so many coming out stories, it really has made me what to do more. Yeah, being openly out could have it negatives but I honestly feel the positives would out weight them. This is the thought that keeps me on the edge of telling people.

Just Sunday night, I told another person. Its the girl that has been helping me with some school work and also one that wanted to hook up with me a while back. I made it clear that it wasnt going to happen so my roommate took over the sex with her haha. (not sure I wrote about this, but she wanted to have the 3-some with me and my roomy) When I told her about me being gay, I explained that was the reason why the 3-some never happen and she was like "damn, so I never had a shot with you" It was pretty funny and she took it real well. She was happy for me and was so excited to be asking me all different types of questions. Some were awesome that had me and her dying laughing. This is the first girl at school that I've told and the next day at the library when studying, we both commented on this good looking guy that walked by. I also told her about EC (the kid I'm talking too for those who dont know), and she was super happy for me. She really wants to meet him too haha

But back to my main point...For anyone who reads this blog, its really just like an online journal to me but to others, I've realized people can relate to it and make connections with some of my stories/thoughts/feelings. I want to people to read it and make a connection with it. I want it to help someone even if its just one person. I know before I started mine, I read a bunch of blogs that I felt like were the exact thoughts and feelings that I had. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want to be out and be a good role model for the younger generations who struggle with themselves. It makes me sick to see what the government does when discussing bills about same-sex marriage and other issues within the gay community. Why the fuck should it be up to others if one couple can get married. Or if a certain group is discriminated against and nothing happens to those who do the damage. Is innocent kids killing themselves not enough evidence that something is wrong with this fucking country with dealing with these things. I know it took time for African-Americans to get freedom and rights but since that period, our culture has flourished. Not one bad thing has come from that. Why can't they relate those issues with the present day discrimination of gays. This shit is so fucking frustrating. It kills me cause realistically I can't do anything to change the minds of those who vote against gay bills. I honestly just want to help and show that being gay isn't a problem and you can live your life how you want to, and you should live your life how you want to!

Not sure if that made sense but its been a long 3 days this week already and when I get heated, its hard to write down how I feel... Well, hope everyone is having a great week!

crazy 3 weeks

where the fuck does time go? i swear these past 3 week have gone by so fast but its weird cause during the week, it feels like forever haha it's probably cause im awake about for about 18-19 hours of the day. early mornings starting at 6, sometimes 5:30 then going to bed around midnight or later makes the day seem so long. Spring training has sucked pretty bad. Fitness is getting old fast and im not a fan of the lifting we are doing. The supersets we do are minimal and I feel like if im gonna be in the gym for about an hour, i want to do more than just two supersets. Its because we do so much stretching and plyometric stuff that we dont lift as much. I guess its more soccer specific lifting which is a good thing.

There really isn't much new and thats kind of the reason why I havent posted much (also because when I sit down to write stuff, I forget about what I was planning on writing). I did tell another teammate about 2 weeks ago. It went well after he believed me. Its a freshman that is pretty close with us cause he's from Moneterrey so he has the latin connection with my roomy haha But when I told him, he didnt believe me for like 15 minutes. We did like a question game between me and my roomy to prove to him that I wasnt lying. It was pretty funny when he was asking me questions then asking my roomy to confirm it. He said it was fine and that he respected still and that it was hard to believe because I didnt act like it.

Also want to say thanks for everyone who commented on the last post. I still think I'm too nice but I dont plan on changing to be some douchebag haha

Well hope everyone is doing well and take it easy

i think i'm too nice

random venting and kind of hard to read...

I dont know what it is, but I just feel like I'm too nice. And I mean I guess its not a bad thing, but sometimes it just pisses off that others aren't the same or they don't acknowledge it. I dont get walked on by any means, but I just put others first. If we have to drive and no one else will (or wants too), I will. It does piss me off being that of my roomies, 2 of us have cars at school but the other kid is so fucking stingy, he doesn't drive anywhere. Yeah we give him shit but he just doesnt get it. (random but he once gave a waiter a fucking 26 cent tip!! it was so embarrassing when the waiter asked what it was) This kid is one I've talked about before in how he is fake and acts Christian-like but its like a mask. And the thing is, I get a long with him like nothing is wrong. I honestly bottle up my emotions and what I think of others to myself so much that I feel like I'm fake. I dont think I am and I dont think others do either. Im honestly just a nice guy.

I think it does have something to do with me being gay. Im accepting of others and honestly am friends with anyone I meet. I will hang out with a person for a night and from then on, we will keep in touch. I talk to my friends friends that I meet randomly. My friends back home always say Im the nice one and will break the fights up.

Like tonight, me and my roomy (the one that I first told) have been in a fight for the past 2 days in which we havent spoken a word to each other. We get pretty heated over soccer cause we are both so competitive and it gets bad when we are playing against each other. But like our fights are stupid in my opinion. And it always ends up with me asking whats wrong and being the first to talk. I just left his room from seeing what was up and he said he thought I was mad at him which is fuckin stupid. yeah I was mad at him but whatever happens on the field stays there for me, it shouldnt carry over into our friendship off the field. He always carries it over and its hard cause we live together so its pretty awkward around the place when we arent talking.

Am I a second class citizen?

This video gave me the chills. I really can't wait for this documentary to come out...

my 6th semester

Well this for sure wont be my most exciting semester to say the least. My class schedule is pretty rough and will make getting a good GPA even more difficult. I'm taking Estate Tax, Fiduciary Law 1, Money and Banking, Philosophy of Business, and World Religions. And these are all on Tuesday's and Thursday. Yes, that means I dont have class Monday, Wednesday, or Friday but after today, I kind of would rather have class throughout the week. I'm fucking exhausted and I have to be up at 6 for fitness. My day today was up at 6 am, fitness test (3 mile run which I got 20.40 on which sucked), class at 8 and 9:30, came back for a nap, then class at 12:30 and 2 to 3:20. Came back to my room and did some laundry. Went to chick for dinner then night class from 6-9 and got back to hang out with the roomies for a bit and now im typing this. Uneventful day but I feel like its taken forever!

Today in my first class, I showed my friend a tweet from Anderson Cooper that was funny and he was like "you know he's gay right?" I said yeah I know, and he replied "yeah thats weird" then laughed, " i lost all respect for him after I found out." I wasn't sure what to say. So I laughed and questioned why and said he's still a good guy as well as news reported. He agreed but still said he isn't a fan anymore because of the whole gay thing. It kind of made me mad and also kind of made me wanted to tell him about me (which I didnt). I wanted to see his reaction but of course that wasnt the time or place to tell him. Im not too close with him so I dont think he will be one I will tell anyways.

I also had a pretty fuckin legit weekend I will have to write about. It was with the kid too, I just need time to write it out ;)

Thats about it I guess. Gonna head to bed so I can get some rest before my beep test in the morning. Night everyone!

the lil bro

So it was for sure a solid Christmas break. Spent some quality time with friends and family. There isn’t too much new on the gay front besides I’m completely out to my family now. My parents and older brother and sister have known for about a year now but I was still waiting on to tell my little brother for certain reasons. He is a freshman in high school and still isn’t mature. He has hard times comprehending things and understanding certain situations. This in part has something to do with his mental state. I’m honestly not sure what he has but he is slow. He doesn’t act his age at all and his education level is far below what it should be. Its frustrating to me cause he seems normal but the things he does are just beyond me. Sometimes I wish I had a younger brother who was ‘normal’ but I just mean a brother who acts his age. I love him to death and always will. He says some funny shit too so he typically keeps me laughing.

But I told him about a week ago I guess and he took it awkwardly to say the least haha He started laughing and kept saying I was joking. He didn’t believe me and thought it was weird, really weird. He asked me about the girls I hang out with and the girls I talked too. I just said we were friends and just hung out a lot. I asked him some questions like if it would change things and if he ever thought I was and he was cool about it all. Telling him was by the far the easiest one for some reason. I guess I was trying to show him something. Like it doesn’t matter who you are cause people will like you for you and you shouldn’t have to worry about things and girls cause he has plenty of years ahead of him.

Also over break, I was wanting to go to a gay bar while I was home but that never happened. I looked some up and found a sports one but just never had alone time to go down there and never had the courage to ask a friend to go haha

That’s about it. I have a couple things I want to get done by 2013. I wouldn’t say they are resolutions but more of goals. One is to be out to my team at school. Yes I know it’s no ones right to know who Im with or attracted to but if they ask, I’m not gonna try to avoid it. Im for sure not gonna go around screaming ‘I like dick’ either haha So hope everyone had a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Years!