127 hours

Watched the movie 127 Hours last night and it was sickkkk. Such a good movie. I recommend it to everyone. There are some pretty gruesome parts so you might have to turn away for them but other than that, its a badass movie. The movie has an awesome message as well and goes perfectly with the new me haha

(Here is the link if you can't view it full screen...)

there is no force on earth

more powerful than the will to live

me and the ball

(Pic taken today at the field)

Went to the field today by myself just to juggle and do some running. Got some things done and felt good to get outside with the weather we had today. I seriously could stay at the field all day, its so peaceful being just me and my ball. Everything is so right and I don't have to worry about anything in the world. Its kind of like my freedom I wish I always had. 

After being out there for over an hour by myself, the new kid from Panama on our team came out there to shoot. He just came this semester and is pretty shy. We passed and did some shooting then I sat down and did some abs while he continued to shoot. After about 15 minutes, he sat down and we just started talking about life. About what we want to do after school and whats life like back home for him. He said some things that kind of made me think. First, you got to appreciate everything we have in this country. He was saying that people who play professional soccer back there have side jobs like driving cabs and stuff. Could you even imagine if Brett Favre picked you up to take you to the next block over! He said people there are treated with no respect and its just a different world. The kid is from Panama City which is the capital so its not like a small slum or anything. He said its just a different world really. He already loves it here and wants to get an education and hopefully make it professionally. He said he took a risk to come here in order to follow his dreams and he was saying that you have to take risks in order to succeed. I couldn't agree more with what he was saying. It was really cool to just talk with him for the first time and see what he had to say. We talked about religion, family, soccer, just a bunch of random stuff. I love talking to people about their background and getting to know people more than just the basic stuff. Everyone has their own story to tell I think.  

This song is so sick! If anything, just listen to the first 23 seconds.

To Dream is to Live Life to its Full Potential

the new me

 Update-just some new jams

Well over the past year, I have for sure changed. The most obvious is that I have (somewhat) come to terms with my lil secret and have told some family and close friends. There really isn't much else I can do with that besides just do me. Now instead of focusing on that, Im trying to better myself by taking it to the next level in soccer, school, and just me.

I watched an ESPN documentary the other day on Tim Tebow called "Between the Lines" (I think lol). Some sports fans might not like him and hate him for the way he is as a player, since Im not too big of a football fan, I could care less about it. But this documentary caught my eye because it showed his lead up to the draft from his last college game. It was basically a time-line of his work and practicing in order to get drafted. I had NO idea how much this guy works at his sport. I feel like I should do the same. Its something I love and its the thing that lets me be me. So I have started doing extra things on my own to take me to that next level. Im not necessarily trying to get drafted for the MLS or anything, but playing professional after college would be sick as fuck. I really just want to do my part and help my team become something big. Get our name on the map. Im just trying to make the difference...

I know this has nothing to do with anything but thought I would write about it. If you love something, work for it. You can do anything you put your mind too. Cliche I know, but I honestly feel this is the truth.

This poster is right above my desk that Im at everyday. I know its soccer related, but you can relate it to anything.  Its just a reminder for me to make the difference...

another down

Well I told my brother last night and it went well. I did the email thing again. I feel like a bitch for doing it that way but I honestly couldnt tell him over the phone and not sure when I will see him next. He lives in Nashville and does his own thing there. He replied back saying it didnt matter and wanted to know when I play in the spring so he could come out and watch. And that I can stay at his place over the summer if I decide to play in Nashville for a team. So pretty happy it went that way and glad I finally got it over with! haha

But thats about it really. Gonna try to post again tomorrow on my new attitude thing I got going on lol 

later kids

solid first full week

The first full week of school for this semester has been a pretty good one. Classes werent too bad and Im alive from the fitness tests haha. Thankfully we are done with the testing but now we just have fitness every morning. Im just glad its not timed or whatever, I hate racing against the clock! And it feels sooooo good to be back playing. After the fitness tests, we would do ball work for about 30 then end up playing. I was doin work too! haha Yesterday and today my team won so I was happy with that and I put some goals away. Hopefully this spring season is a good one for me.

Not much else has happened. Super glad my dad knows. I havent talked to him since but we dont talk to much while Im at school, he likes to give me my space. Think Im gonna ask my mom if I should tell my brother tonight. Even if she says no, I probably will still tell him. I just want to get that over with and be done with telling family members.

This song right here is my jam! Its been on repeat for the last 2 weeks. Im not really a T.I. fan but his new cd, No Mercy, goes so harddd! Not sure if it yalls type of music but its like motivation for me and it calms me down at the same time. It was my first song I had on my playlist this morning while running our 3 mile.

(just pause the uptop playlist if your trying to listen)

Thats about it. I hope everyone is doing well!

spring training :/

Updated!!

Tomorrow we start our spring training and its going to blooowww!! We have lifting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and now we have fitness at 7 am everyday. This week we have fitness tests everyday. We do a 3-mile loop around our school, beep test, then two others tests that our coach made up. They all suck and are fucking killer. Im not looking forward to it and I have been dreading this shit since I got out for Christmas break lol

Not much is new other than that really. Pretty routine stuff since classes started. Havent told anyone else and not sure if I will. I guess thats about it and hope everyone is doing good!

ps-if you havent seen Easy A, you should! that movie was pretty hilarious! saw it twice within the week

(New songs are up)

Update:

Well now my dad knows. He just called me to see what I was up to like every other time he calls me. We talk about once or twice a week while at school just because he doesnt like to bug me like my mom does calling me twice a day. But he asked me about the letter I wrote my mom and asked me some typical questions to see if I would stay like this. He said it was a huge shock and he found out a couple days ago but wanted to take a couple of days to think about it. In the end he said he still loved me and it wouldnt change how we are towards each other and how he would treat me. I would be treated and loved the same as the other kids in the family. I started crying when he told me that and he asked why I was. I wasnt really sure why I was either and I tried to stop but it was hard too. It wasnt like balling or anything but just a simple cry lol. (dont want to sound like a bitch or something). Im glad he knows now and I was actually gonna tell him pretty soon. Now I dont have too thankfully.

Thats about it and now getting back to wining about fitness in the morning :(

I do blog!

My macro-economics teacher today asked if anyone in class writes a blog and only one person in our class raised their hand but it wasnt me. I dont think he was talking about a in the closest, gay blog about life so I kept my hand down. And my teammate sat right next to me and I knew a good amount of kids in the class so didnt want any questions about what I write about lol The teacher was just making a point that in order for my generation to gets jobs out of college, we will have to be technically sound and be able to work on/with computers. And that we have to have effect ways of communicating certain topics and be able to network. I presonally think I will be able to do all that so im good :) lol

But this got me thinking as well...Why do people read my blog? Im up to nearly 100 followers and I personally think my life is boring as fuck lol. When I started this blog, it was for me to clear my thoughts and just vent on my inner gayness. Over time, I have seen it has helped others so I continue to write and it helps me so its a win-win. But I just wonder why you the readers have decided to read my blog. Please leave a comment or let me know! I just want to know why my blog means something to you.

Also, I just want to point this out, I feel like Im so much more gay when I write here. It might be because I just think gay people show emotion more and thats what I do here. I dont mind or care really cause there are a certain few that know me but just had to get that off my chest lol

Well thats about it. Nothing new really besides classes started today and my Tuesday/Thursday classes are going to blow and might be the end of my GPA :/ but other than that, nothing interesting. Hope everyone who reads this is doing well and take it easy people!

back to school

Got back to campus today and have been bored out of my minddddd!! Classes were supposed to start tomorrow but due to weather, they were canceled. I'm not complaining but it just pushed my schedule back a day. I was originally goin to unpack then go register for my other classes. But instead, I finished packing around 4 and haven't done shit since lol. I don't have a car on campus and neither do my teammates so I ate chickfila twice today, once for lunch and then again for dinner. Don't really mind that either cause that's my favorite restaurant. And if you haven't had it, you haven't lived. Its seriously so bomb!

Been sitting on facebook and twitter for hours so I thought I would do a post. I did a lil photo-shoot in my room tonight cause I have been so fucking bored and thought I would show you some things that are important to me...

 This is my desk with my TV, my mac and my speakers. All used daily! (notice the Arsenal background on my mac. greatest soccer team everrrr)

           My headphones: Got the studio beats a while ago and my mom just got me the iBeats a couple days ago. Both are so sick and I love them.

 My new watch. Got it for $10 and it was originally $50 so I had to get it. lol

Some of my nike's lol. I have a good amount of shoes and I love nike's. This are just the ones I wear the most.

Had to do a close up of these. My mom was super pissed when I got these though. Mainly cause I have too many shoes but also because they are pink and light blue and she was saying they are so gay hahahah looks like they were a good fit for me :) 

So those are some things that are important to me in my room. Glad I decided to do this post because it occupied my time for about an hour lol Now I will just go to bed. Hope yall enjoyed!

And thanks everyone for the comments! I really do appreciate them all and I love logging on and reading them. I hope my blog helps others out there that are going through the same things I am. 

Later everyone!

ps-also added The Premier League Table to the right just so yall can stay up to date with Arsenal who are third at the moment but will be in first soon ;) haha

now who to tell?

Apologizing in advance if this is hard to understand. I kind of fucked up from the start of the blog by not naming my friends so its easier to understand and by not doing tags but whateva haha...and this is a really long post about coming out to my other friends.

So I just about told everyone I want too. There are two people that dont know who I will tell soon. My older brother and my dad. I originally just wanted my mom to tell my dad but I mean she obviously doesnt want to or idk so I think I will. And that will happen within the day or two since I leave to go back to school (fuckin pissed i have to go back). Then I think I might shoot my brother an email explaining the situation (the email thing worked so much better and a lot less stressful as well than telling face-to-face).

But anyways, I'm up to a total of 7 people knowing which is fine with me. No lie its sooooo much less stressful thinking about it. Like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I really hope this continues with me back to school when Im around people that dont know though.

(I will just name my friends now and that might make this a lil less confusing)...So my friend I told first, Sam, the basketball player in Utah was cool with it. I emailed him and was fine with it. Then Friday, I told Sara face-to-face and she was pretty shocked. This was somewhat difficult because I texted her that day saying I needed to tell her something. I didnt know that she was with Joe (other best guy friend who plays football) when I texted her. So she called me like freaking out, asking me whats wrong and when am I going to her house to tell her. Then like a minute later, Joe called me from her phone asking whats wrong and just tell them now. So I just told him that he was going to find out later as well so just relax and I would be over there soon. I went to Sara's house and right when I get there, they were questioning me and asking what the thing was. I avoided it and said I will tell them in a bit because there was no way I was gonna tell both of them at the same time. Wayyy to awkward and difficult for me. Eventually Joe left because he had to go to his sisters basketball game so I called Sara out to her porch to tell her. I told her to try and guess but she had no idea and was saying random stuff like I had cancer, terminally ill, moving, something happened to my parents, she had no idea. I eventually told her and I actually said "I'm gay." (first time for me to say it to someone) So she obviously was shocked and surprised but she was like "thats it, I'm defiantly glad that it wasnt anything I was guessing." I laughed and just talked to her for a bit about it and she was cool with it. We were interrupted by her little brother so didnt get to talk too much about it. She sent me a text that night saying:
"Hey, I'm sorry we never got the chance to talk more yesterday, and I don't want you to think Im just going to pretend like you didnt tell me something important. I also want you to know that you're my best friend and Im so glad you decided to tell me, it must have been very hard but I would never judge you or think differently of you. I actually feel closer to you and Im here for you to talk about anything."
It was awesome reading that and I felt so relieved to see that she doesnt care at all.

Also that night, I sent Joe an email about the situation. I kind of used the one I sent Sam as a template but I changed most of it cause I didnt want them talking and thinking they got a mass email lol But in the morning he sent me a text saying:
"Not gonna lie, your email was a big shocker. But we have been friends since way back when so you know we still cool. Nothing changes, we all still act the same n stuff."
I just texted back saying thanks and everything and sorry for the way I told him but he understood and said face-to-face would of been awkward haha.

After telling both of them, we hung out Saturday and watched a movie, just chilled. I kind of felt awkward because I could tell that they wanted to say something but wasnt sure if I was cool with it. And we were around others so I guess we couldnt of talked about it but idk, it was just a weird feeling. So last night, I sent Sam a text just saying I told Sara and Joe and that he could talk to them about it or me just if he needs too cause I didnt talk to him too much in detail. Then he was on facebook so I chatted him and just wanted to talk to him and tell him if he had any questions he could ask. Soooo he started asking questions like how long I've know, how do I know, if I'm talking to anyone,  if I've done stuff with guys (lied to him :/), what kind of guys Im into (thought that one was funny), just questions like that. I was answering them and I told him that Im glad he is asking me this stuff cause its better just to be honest about it so its less awkward. Then he tells me that he is actually on a 3-way phone call with Sara and Joe hahahahaha First, who still does 3-way calling lol and second, thanks for telling me! haha I started laughing when I read that but it was cool. They were asking the questions through Sam and then he would read my responses to them. It was funny but I was super glad they were talking about it and stuff. I just really dont want it to be awkward when Sam comes home for summer or when Im around my friends. Thats why I would rather them just ask whats on their minds. I sent all three of them this text last night right before I was going to bed:
"So I guess I was left out of the 3-way calling cause Im gay but I dont mind :/ jk but forreal, if yall want to ask me anything you can. I dont mind at all. I knows its probably awkward talking about it but I just dont want it to be a huge deal. I personally dont want to bring it up just cause Im just not sure if yall want to talk about it. I know it was a huge shock to hear and I know its gonna take time for it to be normal or whatever but I really do appreciate yall sticking by me. Love yall and if you need anything, Im ther for yall."

So they have been COMPLETELY cool about it which makes me feel awesome. I love my friends so much!

So tonight was Sara's last night before she goes back to school. I went over there just to chill and our other good friend, Ashley was coming over too. I got there first and I asked Sara if I should tell Ashley tonight, she said yes so I decided too lol I was going to tell her before I left but didnt plan on it tonight. But Ashley showed up and it was us 3 in Sara's room just hanging out, facebook'in, twitter'in, youtube'in, and itune'in (made all 4 of them verbs! lol) and sara left real quick to go downstairs. I was like Ashely, "you want to know a secret? can you keep one?" She said of yes of course then Sara walked in and I was like, "Im just about to tell Ashley the secret." She smiled and got all happy and I was nervous now and froze a lil. Ashely started freaking out. And I just was like, Im gay. It was priceless her face. She looked like a person who just got punked. Like smiling, but questioning it and confused. It was funny. Sara was smiling and shaking her head. And Ashley was like "forreal?" I shook my head yes and she was like "thats good!!" ahahahaha we all just started laughing. But it was funny and she for sure had the best reaction so far. She was happy and thought it was really cool. So we talked and they asked some questions and it was awesome. Then now she was just fb chatting me saying that she will always love me and that she is happy for me and she is there if I need to talk.

I seriously couldnt have better friends. I LOVE them SOOOOO much. I honestly cant even believe I have told them. Those are just like my 4 people I hang with everyday when Im home. My mom was saying that Im a part time resident at my house just cause Im with these friends all the time. Probs over summer I will tell my other good friends but that will have to wait. Im content with where Im at now. :)

So thats how I told my crew! haha I will have to update on my mom situation :/ things are somewhat shaky there but I head back to school tomorrow or tuesday, just depending on the weather cause its a freak winter storm right now in texas.

ps-congrats if you read all that and understood it, didnt read over it cause its really late and im tired. so night everyone :)

pss-I changed how my songs are. Im thinking I will try to update a new 5 every now and then just so its fresh and new music.

it worked!

So thanks for all the suggestions from everybody, I sent my homie an email and he was comlpetely cool with it. I sent it to him last night at like midnight and sent him a text saying I sent you an email but just read it when you have time and you're alone. (didnt want him pulling it up on his phone and freak out with friends around lol) So he texted me saying he would read in private and dont worry about it. About 30 minutes later, he sent me this:

Friend: I just read the email. I just want to let you know that I will always love you like a brother no matter what. This is not going to change anything between us you will still always be my homie. And if you need to talk to anyone you know I am always here bro.

We went on back and forth and I said you can ask me anything whenever, I dont mind. So real quick he asked how long I've known and if I'm going to tell our other close friends. I said I wanted to tell them before I went back to school but its just hard to bring up and he understood. He told me if I need any help telling them, he would help me out. So Im soooooo glad I got that over with. I was scared as shit when I heard my phone go off after I sent the email. It turned out perfectly and couldnt of asked for a better response from him.

help please

Okay, so I want to tell my one of my best friends about my secret, the thing is, he isn't in town. He is still at school because he plays basketball and I don't really see him during the school year. He came home for 2 days for Christmas break then he left back to school. Is writing a letter a legit way to tell him? I honestly cant see myself telling him over the phone. It would be awkward as fuck and I couldnt do that. I would much rather tell him in person but I dont want to wai til summer and  have it on my mind this whole semester.

So I need some ideas or help on a way to tell him. I will more than likely write him a letter then email it to him but I'm open to other ideas...

And, does anyone know how I can turn on anonymous commenting? Apparently not everyone can comment and I have no idea how to change that. So please helppp haha

Thanks everyone!

a lil bit of everything

First off, I was start out by saying THANKS to everyone who comments on my blog. I know I don't respond to all of them, but I do read them and take all the info to heart. The things that have been said to me over the past couple of months have helped me tremendously. I love checking out what everyone says and it feels so good to see all the comments. So thank you all very much!!!!

I guess I will just update about what all has gone on over my break. Its been good and Im really not looking forward to going back to school. Mainly because of spring training and Im gonna be fucked since I havent been doing all the running I was supposed to do. So...

Family:

Things were kind of crazy and hectic over the break. My older brother was home, and my sister is now living at home so all us kids were home. My older brother and sister dont get along and my little brother and sister dont get along. The common thing is my sister is hard to get along with. She can be such a bitch some times. It pisses me off when she acts like it cause its so unnecessary. She feels like us guys in the house like gang up on here and then she just doesnt want to do anything with the family and doesnt respond to people when she is asked something. My dad tries to protect her cause she is the only girl in the family but my mom gets annoyed with it too. So that typically starts an argument. Then there is my older brother who thinks he is God's gift to earth and just knows everything. He is an ass and just only wants to do his thing. He is the one who normally starts the arguments in the house. He left about a week ago so since then, things have been pretty quiet. (sorry about the awful writing)

Hookup:

So me being home and pretty horny like usual. I put up an ad on craigslist. This was my first time to do it but it was pretty cool and it worked out nicely. A guy like 10 minutes from my house responded so we chatted a couple days then decided to meet up. He asked me over to his place so I went over there at night and when I got there, he had a football game on tv. We sat there watching for a bit then he asked if I wanted to get comfortable in his room. So we made our way to his room and started to do our thing. Not gonna go into detail but we didn't do anything crazy but just the basics. We both had a good time and then parted ways. 

The whole gay situation:

So my mom has been asking me some questions and stuff about being gay but its mostly like if I will ever somehow find a girl later on. I keep telling her probably not but I just dont think she understands its not really a choice. I mean if I could find a way to be attracted to pussy, I would!! but its not that easy. It would be a lot easier and less stressful if it was a choice. I'm gettin to the point of not really caring anymore what others think and I might tell my good friends while I'm home. I mean if they are going to know later on, why not now? But also during my talk, I told my mom about my blog. It was kind of weird telling her I write about my life but the only reason I told her is because she tells me to do "soul searching" as in try to find a way to be straight. So I told her I have been thinking about this for a long ass time and have contemplated not to tell anyone and just lie about it all but there is no point. I am who I am so its not gonna change. I told her I talk to some guys in the same situation on the regular and I have met up with a guy in Florida and she was like freaking out but I just told her we talked about our situations. She was tearing up during the talk and I felt bad but Im not a bad person because of this. I told her Im still the same kid and she agreed and said she still loves me so that felt good. I think she will come around to it and understand but its just gonna take awhile. She also asked if I cross dress and I said no way and she was relieved by that lol.

New Years:

For New Years Eve, I ended up going to a lakehouse of some kid I didnt know. It was a crazy good time and it got a lil out of control. There were about 30 something kids and just completely hammered. I knew most people and knew the rest of them by the end of the night. With alcohol in the system, I become pretty social. I dont get out of control though, I handle myself.  I took some pictures of what the place looked like in the morning and thought I would post them. So here are some pics and the broken table was a bp table but it got destroyed for some reason lol

There you go guys, hope everything is well for all the readers. Sorry about the length and the bad writing, I just wanted to get this stuff out. And I might be doing the pic thing from now on, I kind of like it.