summer summer summer

So far this summer has been awesome. It might be just because I'm not having to go to class and I'm home, but doesnt matter since Im having a blast. The only negative is that I have been busy with something all the time. I guess I cant complain though since Im enjoying it. Dont get much alone time cause I with my friends all the time too. Love that though since I havnt seen them in a while. And I get to play soccer and workout everyday when I want. The freedom of summer is the best feeling!!

Tonight I went to the dollar theater with some friends (and it was 50 cent Tuesdays so it was even better!! lol) But we saw "She's out of my League." It was freaking awesome. I love comedy movies and this one was much better than I expected. The funny thing was that I could relate to some of the things have happened to the main guy. So many awkward situations between the guy and the girl during the "sexy" parts that made it hilarious. Would for sure recommend the movie if your a comedy lover like myself.

That's about it really since haven't done much besides play soccer, workout, and hang with friends. Nothing interesting to report on but will post later on in the week.

finally

I am finally home and its summertime. I have been waiting for this time since last August when school first started lol. My days will be filled with soccer, working out, working, and hanging out with friends (and golf). This might be one of the busiest summers I have had. Im just happy its here now.

These past couple of weeks have been crazy. Studying for finals and packing up everything took all my time. It was such a good feeling when I walked out of class on Thursday after my last final. Now I have to wait for my grades to be posted online. (Crossing my fingers for a 4.0) 

Its such a good feeling knowing I dont have to wake up and go to class at 8. And sleeping in MY own bed. The dorm beds dont cut it with comfort. They arent bad but I could sleep all day in my bed. Its bad sometimes when I dont wake up until noon but it doesnt matter since its summer :)

Well, I will try to keep up the posting. Hopefully I will have some interesting posts coming up. Thanks for reading and take care!!

getting caught up

So I havent posted in a couple days. I have been super busy with school coming to a close and having to get things set for the summer. But some fun things have occured within the past 24-hours that I would like to share.

Things that might help to understand this. I talked about two girls in my previous posts. They both like me and one helps with my homework and stuff and the other just likes me. I will just call homework girl 1 and the other girl that likes me 2. (not sure if this will help but thought my story might get hard to understand if I didnt. Dont want to use names just for personal reason.)

It started last night when we went out. We downtown to a club as a team. It was the first time I went to the club since I have been at school. Im not the dancer type so clubs dont really appeal to me (unless I have had a couple of drinks). It was just the last time to go out before school ended and we didnt have school today so I thought why not. But we went to a kids house on the team to drink some before we went to the club. That helped a little while I was there to loosen me up. And the whole day I  have been texting girl 2 about tonight so we would meet up at the club. She was wanting me to come out so we could dance and stuff. (girl 2 is the one that likes me...see above lol.)

So we got there kind of early so we could pay $5 instead of $10. College budget these days :) haha. We basically just posted up on the bar until more people got there. It was packed with guys at the beginning which wasn't bad for me but not for my teammates for obvious reasons lol. None were my type though. I was up in the sky as well if you know what I mean. I dont do it often but it was a team bonding thing that night. Everything was super slow and I just noticed the little things. Its just weird sitting back and watching how people act in those enviroments. I was analyzing everything. It was freaking me out how much I noticed. It's funny seeing the awkward moments that happen at clubs. Ex: Two girls are just talking and a guy starts dancing on one, then the other girl just stands there staring while her friend is basically having sex in front of her. Those things just crack me up haha. Anyways, when more people starting showing up, it got better. There were a ton of people from my school there too. Its weird seeing them and talking to them at the club but we dont speak a word to each other in class. And both girls that liked me showed up too. Girl 1 found me and pulled me from the bar to dance. Like I said earlier, Im not a dancer. But she wasnt having that. She basically dragged me to the dance floor. There were some awkward moments cause she kept looking me in the eyes and like really getting into. But she was grabbing my hands and rubbing them against her tits and other places lol. I was like alright this is weird cause I dont like her at all and I dont want her to think I do. (At previous parties, she is always over me and tells other people that she wants me to have sex with her but I dont want to for obvious reasons ;) ) Anyways, during the dance, she asks "Why aren't you into this?" When I heard this, I like froze on the inside and was like "uhhhhh..." I quickly said "I just dont like dancing." She didnt seem happy when I said that but whatever. Once that song was done, I saw my friend walk behind me so I just grabbed him and put him behind her and said have fun! lol I just wanted ot get away from that girl. I avoided her the rest of the night. 

After escaping from girl 1, I was just posted up near my roommate talking about random girls and stuff. Showing that I am interested and stuff. But out of nowhere, girl 2 grabs my hand and says "lets dance!" I couldnt say no really cause she has been telling me were going to dance at some point during the night and I was just trying to get it over with. I basically just stood there while she did her thing on me. It was fun and the music was on point. We danced for a long time too. She kept turning around and getting really close to my face. After a couple of songs, she gave me a kiss and this lead to a makeout session on the dance floor in  front of my whole team. I didnt want this to happen for the fact that I knew I was gonna get shit. She is cute and really chill so I was like whatever. After that kiss, she was hooked to me. I got tired from dancing so I told her I had to go to the bathroom which I didnt but I had to get away. I went to find my roommate to talk about what happened. He was already giving me shit for it lol. As I was talking to him, a girl that I talk to occasionally wanted to dance so I danced with her for like half a song until girl 2 saw and came and jumped in lol. The rest of the night I just danced with her. Overall it was fun and I had a good time. I guess if girl 2 didnt grab me to dance, I would of been by the bar the whole night so that was a plus. I could of done without the hookup though lol.

So that was Thursday night for you lol. I know it was long but had to get all off my chest. Then Friday, me and two teammates when to this quarry thing to cliff jump. I didnt mind do to it since they said it was like 30-40 ft. But I had no idea it was gonna be how big it was when I got there. It was huge!! I was freakin out when I saw that. My heart was racing and my hand and whole body was shaking. My friends jumped off first just to make sure there was nothing in the water to hit. They did it fine so I thought might as well go for it. I did and I felt so accomplished. My heart was racing so fast when I landed. It was by far the most intense thing I have ever done.

Well, thats about it. Left some stuff out but I thought I shared too much on this post lol. good to be back on here!

the whole blog thing

So as most people in the blog world know "Mikey," the gay hockey player from Minnesota, is not real. This came as a huge shock to many. Even to me. He was looked upon as an idol and hero to many closeted kids across the US. I even read his blog from time to time and was part of the reason why I started. (Main reason was Craig though). But I still cant find the words to describe how I feel about this situation. Angry, betrayed, hurt, confused, lost. These dont even do justice to how I feel. Why would someone toy with others emotions and feelings. Especially kids younger than mine who looked up to him. People religiously read his blog and emotionally connected with him. This was all crushed after a post stating it was a lie. I wasn't going to post about this event but felt that I had too express my thoughts as well. It doesn't affect me too much because I didnt read it that often but I cant say the same for others. I have seen kids in their blogs saying that they broke down crying because this was the death of a friend, a good friend. It hurts me to see this. I'm in the same situation as others across the world and it sucks to be closeted. And to have someone to talk to means the world. Lying to family and friends sucks but when you can turn to someone and feel that they truthfully care, means a lot. Mikey was this friend to many and for him to hurt others kills me. Its beyond me why some cruel man would do this. I guess its not definite that its a hoax but it sure seems like it. If there is a real Mikey and he was trying to get out of the blog world, he probably could of gone about doing it some other way.

This whole thing sucks. I cant believe this has happened and has caused so many problems. I am sorry to anyone who got hurt and just know you are not alone!


This song I came across while playing a video game and absolutely loved it. I listen to music to relieve stress and get away from everything. Helps to calm me down and let me think...

this guy

So in one of my classes, there is a guy that stares at me all the time. I have caught him numerous times just eying me. Its awkward when I catch him because its that unwanted eye contact. I don't really know if he is in too me but I just find it weird that he keeps looking at me. I wouldnt mind if he was in to me because he is a good looking guy. I just wish there were some other clues he would give me to let me know this. This has been going on all semester and now that it is coming to an end, I wish I did something about it. I dont know how I would go about doing so, but I wish I did.

Today in class, I was doing the looking and he turned and made eye contact. This was a longer than usual one also. I dont know what I could do to get his attention and without putting myself in a bad situation. I wouldnt want to be the one to ask him and for him to completely deny it. Then it would put me in a bad spot. I dont have any other classes with him and I dont even see him any other time. Probably wont pursue it just to avoid embarrassment.

Kind of a random thing but had to get it off my mind

wish this was true

Saw this quote before but came across it on my friends fb page today. Wish it was this simple and wish I could live by it...

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

lies

Why is so hard to be true myself and everyone else around me?

I have to lie constantly to cover up for my "dark secret." It shouldn't be something to hide either. My friends don't hide that they like women. Why should I have to hide that the like men? It doesn't make sense to be looked down upon or be made fun of by others based on sexual preferences. Even if I did come out, I wouldn't go running around my college screaming "I'm gay!" I wouldn't tell anyone without them asking about me.

I wonder how long it will be until being gay is just another thing. No big deal is made about it and people don't look at you weird. Im not sure if it will happen in my lifetime but I hope it does. People should be treated equally and not be hated on because of what sex they like.

Living a lie is a hard thing to deal with. I think about it everyday what it would be like if people knew about me. "How would my family treat me" or "how would my friends treat me" are the two questions that keep me from coming out. I don't want to be the outsider in my family or friends.

It would be awesome if nothing changed at all and no one cared about it. But I don't know if that could happen...