some things going on

Well its been a while since my last post but thats mainly because nothing has really gone on. I guess the biggest that has happened to me was that soccer ended which blows. Ended about 3 weeks ago cause we didnt make it to the NCAA tournament. It sucks not making it then seeing other teams that we beat or tied made it through. We were good enough to make it but we just fucked up on stupid things. 

Still only out to one person which is my roommate/teammate. Haven't talked to much about it just cause its not a big deal really. He doesn't mind it and it doesn't affect him. He acts the EXACT same way as he did which is cool. Still does really gay stuff that surprises me that he hasn't came out yet lol. I have debated whether telling two other teammates but just haven't got myself to bring it up. One of them I was going to tell but then he sent me a video from ebaumsworld talking about gays and stuff and he was like "wasn't that hilarious?" I just said "eh not really" then went on talking about something else.

Last week I was in "be alone" type of mood and didnt want to hang around my friends which made them mad but whatever. They would joke around with me but I wasnt in that playful mood to do that and then they would give me shit and I isolated myself for a couple of days. Like thinking about this stuff makes me feel alone and not connected with everyone else. I know they are my friends and I love chilling with them, but even when Im having fun, this gay stuff is ALWAYS on my mind. It occupies so much of my time just thinking about it. I honestly fucking hate it and which there was some way to get it off my mind. I thought telling one person would ease that but it hasnt. To some degree it has but I mean its still on my mind. I guess by telling my roommate, it just gives me an outlet to talk to someone in person but even if I talk to him, he still doesnt fully understand what its like.

We finally got off for Thanksgiving break which is sick cause I really need a break from school buttt Im not even going home. Im stuck at school :( It really sucks cause I want to go home so bad. I miss my family and my friends a lot! Kind of getting home sick.There isnt anything to do here at school either. Im not too sure what Im going to be doing all day since everything on campus is closed lol My friend left his room open so I could ps3 but I think that might get old after a couple of hours. Why cant it be summer already!! haha

Thats about it really, I will try to post more often. Hope everyone is doing well! Later people

my florida trip was awesome!

So I have been meaning to write this post this past week but have been super busy with school and soccer. Now Im writing this post on the bus to another game hours away. These bus rides give me time where I have nothing else to do besides to write a post lol (sorry for the bad writing style though, just write what comes to my mind at the time)

Two weekends ago, I was in Florida for soccer and while I was there I got to meet up with a fellow blogger. We have been talking for about 3 months and talk a good amount. I was nervous to meet him just because like vid chat isn’t the same thing as face-to-face conversations but it was awesome. He is such a cool, chill, normal (gay) guy. I would never guess he was if I just saw him. But I was chilling at my hotel on our day off between our two games and texted him to see what he was up too. He wasn’t busy so I asked him if wanted to come over and go for a walk and talk. It was perfect cause my hotel was like 5 minutes from his school. So he came over and I met him outside just cause I didn’t want my teammates or anything to see us and then I would have to make up some things but we just went to talk. Found a bench where we just sat for about 2 hours talking about anything. It was crazy that we talked for that long cause it felt like it was only 30 minutes or something. Every time I talk to him, time seriously flies. I think he speeds it up cause we can talk for hours and it goes by so fast! But it was so cool to finally meet him in person and just talk. I was nervous why we were sitting there and I was shaking but it was cold too so that might of contributed to it lol Then the next day he came and watched me play against his school. I didn’t play so good which sucked and I felt bad that he was there watching me play when he could have been with his friends partying or something. I really appreciate him coming out to watch and hopefully I get to go back down there to see him in person again :)

And when I got back to my room, I had some explaining to do cause I was gone for so long. I was rooming with my teammate that I’m out too. Its awesome rooming with him just cause I’m the closest to him than anyone else on the team. Its funny cause the coach puts us together while he switches everyone else’s roommates up just cause we are always together. And it’s a joke on team that we are “dating” cause we are always next to each other. Anyways, I got back to the room and told him what I was doing cause before I left, I texted him saying I was going to talk to a friend from the area. I basically confessed to him about everything and we sat up talking for about 2 hours about what I have been through, my blogging, and just my thoughts on gays. It was such a good talk. Because after I came out to him, I didn’t really talk to him about the situation and he didn’t mention it at all. So I wanted to clear things up and tell him its all good if he asks me about it or anything. He really has surprised me how cool about everything he has been. It really has been the best 2 weeks of my life since I have told him. He understands how I feel and what I have been through to hide it for so long. He told me about another story where his dads’ best friend was gay and how it wasn’t a problem at all growing up. I seriously love this kid :) hahaha

play-by-play

So here is basically the play by play of how I told my roommate:

I texted him asking if we could talk and he said sure I will come over to your room. I replied Im coming to yours. (we live about 10 yds from each other so its not a big deal of whose room we go to but I wanted to play fifa while I said it but that didn’t happened) but I walk in and I had my hoodie on just cause I felt awkward being that I was going to tell my biggest  secret ever!

He was laying on his bed watching the tv guides channel. And when I walk in,  he asks whats up. Im like nothing really just have to tell you something. My voice was kind of shaky already. He then asks if I got a girl pregnant. I just laughed and said no. I sat down in a chair in his room facing the tv with him behind me. He turned the volume all the way down cause he knew I had something to say. I sat there quiet for a bit and he was like “whats up bud?” and I just kept pausing and like “ummm I have something to tell you but its hard.” I told him to take a guess but he wouldn’t and was like “whatever it is, its gonna be better if you just tell then keeping it in.” I told him im not sure if that’s the truth just in case he reacted differently. I finally said “can I tell you something I have never told anyone else, not my mom, dad, brothers, or sister or sam (my best friend from back home).” He was like of course. By this time I was sweating and started to tear up and kept freezing up to talk. Then one of our roommates walked in without knocking and I was sittin in the chair with a pissed look on my face with a tear coming down my face and he said something and realized it was the best time so he was just backed out and was like sorry lol. But he just kept saying just tell me man. Then I finally got around to saying something like “Im not into girls.” (that part is blurring cause it happened so fast) He waited a couple seconds then said “that’s it?” I was somewhat crying and trying to hold it in cause I felt like girl crying but I was like “ya, its something I have been meaning to tell you for a while now just couldn’t find the best time too.” Then I just sat there while he talked to me and calmed me down. He told me about a story that a family member in Mexico is gay and he was with him walking down the street with him and some people said stuff to him and it pissed him off and he hated that he had to deal with that. And told me that he raised to love everyone and not judge for something small like that. Hearing all that helped me so much and realized this isn’t too bad. After all this there was some akward silence and I asked if we could play fifa and he of course. So we played fifa for about 2 hours without saying a word about what happened.

He really surprised me about how he reacted and how he talked to me after. I had no idea about his family member in Mexico and it was cool that he hates that type of discrimination.

And when I got back to my room after showering, I texted him about what happen and to thank him for being there… (Just copied and pasted it from my messages):

Me: Yo man, besides the fact that you farted and left it in the bathroom for me to smell the whole time I was showering, I love you bro. Thanks for being so understanding. You have no idea how much it means to me. Love you man!! Goodnight kid :)

Me: I feel like such a bitch for crying too. Sorry about that :/

Him: Hahaha I was wondering why you were yellin oh my gosh for… but no need to thank me bud I’m here for you for whatever. It happens don’t feel like a bitch for that, feel like a bitch for missin goals in fifa :)

Me: Thanks bud but fuck you too!! You’re the reason we lost! But whatev, we can tomorrow J night kid

Him: Goodnight kid love you too man don’t hesitate to talk to me about whatever it is again Im here kid

Me: Thanks man love you (kind of homo) haha jk :)

Him: Hahaha your retarded, go to bed before you don’t wake up for accounting again

Me: haha you right, night bud!

I guess I could of left some of the stuff out about the farting and fifa but wanted to put everything in there to show that how he treated me right after didn’t change and we were bros right after. No lie after reading these messages basically made me feel so much better and I haven’t been stressed out since. Its such a cool feeling to know that he knows ALL of me.

Then last night, we stayed up talking until 5:15 when we both had class at 9am. We talked about his relationships and what I have to go through when a girl likes me. He asked “why don’t you just drop them and not talk to them?” and I was like “I had to act interested to keep eyes off of me.” He understood completely and just laughed and was like you just use them for homework and I just smiled lol. But he told me some secrets about past hookups that he has never told anyone else. I was like “so this week all the secrets are coming out” and we both started cracking up. He is completely cool with and I feel like we are closer than before.

Looking back at the result, I just wonder why I didn’t do it earlier lol but I guess that’s how it goes.

one down, millions to go

Well, I like to first start off by saying...I TOLD SOMEONE!!! haha cant believe I can say that now. Feels weird but fucking awesome as well!!

I told my roommate tonight and he was so cool about it. Like I cant even describe how I feel right now. Its amazing!!

I will post soon about what went down and stuff but its getting late and I have a intro Christianity test tomorrow (actually in like 8 hours) then two tests on Tuesday that I havent even started studying for so later peoples! :)

still here

Lately not too much has happened. Im 20 now. Still in school, still playing soccer, and still in the closet. I have been thinking about tell my roommate though. Its on my mind from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I really don’t understand why I am so afraid to tell him. From all the coming out stories I have heard, there hasn’t been any negative reactions. Hearing these things is what causes me to think about it so much. If everyone’s friends accept them for who they are, shouldn’t mine??

Especially with the media attention on the gay community these past couple of weeks, from the “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and then the suicides of gay kids, I just feel it would be awkward to come out now. It sucks hearing about kids committing suicide as such a young age due to being bullied. I still don’t get why others care if someone is gay or not. It has no effect on them. They had their whole life to live and now its cut short because of such ignorant people.

finally good talk about gays

so today at breakfast, I was sitting with two teammates and the topic of gay people got brought up once again. This time it was positive things being said which made me feel AWESOME on the inside :) lol It started because a guy at another table behind us was wearing a Lady Gaga shirt (this was a concert this past weekend so that might of had something to do with it) but one of my teammates was like "that kid is a fagget for sure." Then the other was like "yeah, he might be but its whatever really. I have some gay friends back home and they are really cool. I have a couple gay guy friends and they are completely normal and you would never notice." Then the other kid responded with "yeah I dont mind them, I know some gay guys too and they just dont show it or flaunt when they are out with us. Like just cause they are gay doesnt mean they have to be all girlie and talk about dick all the time. Like we dont go dry humping all the girls that walk around." As they were discussing this topic, I just sat there and I think I was smiling but I was tryin to hide just for the fact they didnt suspect anything. It was such a good feeling knowing that they didnt mind gays and actually have "normal" gay friends. Looks like things are looking up :)

a new man?

Well isnt much going on in my life and that has caused the lack of posts. Everything is just along smoothly and its the same stuff but different day really. I have had a couple tests and got A's on both of them. Soccer is getting better. My ankle is finally recovering but now I have a couple muscle strains. Still playing on them and thats probably why they havent been getting better. Just hate sitting out of practice.

There is some good news on the guy situation :) No its not the tennis player but the new guy is better looking and actually talks to me! lol He is funny, cute, smart, gay but "normal", easy to talk too, and basically is me buttttt goes to a different school. Also in a different state haha. I met him through the blog and since we first messaged each other, we havent really stopped talking and I absolutely love it! Its kind of weird how similar we are. Its a weird feeling to have but like if he isnt on chat, I get upset, if he sends me a message, I instantly smile :) He knows what to say to cheer me up and knows what to say to make me laugh. The conversations we have had are the craziest things I have ever told anyone. There are some negatives to this kid though. When I have 8 am classes which are 4 of the 5 days out of the week, he keeps me up til like 3 talking to me! I tell him that I need to go to bed but I end up talking for another hour! He kills me!! But I like it :) Also his favorite food is sushi and if you know what I eat, I hate sushi! So it might not work out :/ hahahaha