play-by-play

So here is basically the play by play of how I told my roommate:

I texted him asking if we could talk and he said sure I will come over to your room. I replied Im coming to yours. (we live about 10 yds from each other so its not a big deal of whose room we go to but I wanted to play fifa while I said it but that didn’t happened) but I walk in and I had my hoodie on just cause I felt awkward being that I was going to tell my biggest  secret ever!

He was laying on his bed watching the tv guides channel. And when I walk in,  he asks whats up. Im like nothing really just have to tell you something. My voice was kind of shaky already. He then asks if I got a girl pregnant. I just laughed and said no. I sat down in a chair in his room facing the tv with him behind me. He turned the volume all the way down cause he knew I had something to say. I sat there quiet for a bit and he was like “whats up bud?” and I just kept pausing and like “ummm I have something to tell you but its hard.” I told him to take a guess but he wouldn’t and was like “whatever it is, its gonna be better if you just tell then keeping it in.” I told him im not sure if that’s the truth just in case he reacted differently. I finally said “can I tell you something I have never told anyone else, not my mom, dad, brothers, or sister or sam (my best friend from back home).” He was like of course. By this time I was sweating and started to tear up and kept freezing up to talk. Then one of our roommates walked in without knocking and I was sittin in the chair with a pissed look on my face with a tear coming down my face and he said something and realized it was the best time so he was just backed out and was like sorry lol. But he just kept saying just tell me man. Then I finally got around to saying something like “Im not into girls.” (that part is blurring cause it happened so fast) He waited a couple seconds then said “that’s it?” I was somewhat crying and trying to hold it in cause I felt like girl crying but I was like “ya, its something I have been meaning to tell you for a while now just couldn’t find the best time too.” Then I just sat there while he talked to me and calmed me down. He told me about a story that a family member in Mexico is gay and he was with him walking down the street with him and some people said stuff to him and it pissed him off and he hated that he had to deal with that. And told me that he raised to love everyone and not judge for something small like that. Hearing all that helped me so much and realized this isn’t too bad. After all this there was some akward silence and I asked if we could play fifa and he of course. So we played fifa for about 2 hours without saying a word about what happened.

He really surprised me about how he reacted and how he talked to me after. I had no idea about his family member in Mexico and it was cool that he hates that type of discrimination.

And when I got back to my room after showering, I texted him about what happen and to thank him for being there… (Just copied and pasted it from my messages):

Me: Yo man, besides the fact that you farted and left it in the bathroom for me to smell the whole time I was showering, I love you bro. Thanks for being so understanding. You have no idea how much it means to me. Love you man!! Goodnight kid :)

Me: I feel like such a bitch for crying too. Sorry about that :/

Him: Hahaha I was wondering why you were yellin oh my gosh for… but no need to thank me bud I’m here for you for whatever. It happens don’t feel like a bitch for that, feel like a bitch for missin goals in fifa :)

Me: Thanks bud but fuck you too!! You’re the reason we lost! But whatev, we can tomorrow J night kid

Him: Goodnight kid love you too man don’t hesitate to talk to me about whatever it is again Im here kid

Me: Thanks man love you (kind of homo) haha jk :)

Him: Hahaha your retarded, go to bed before you don’t wake up for accounting again

Me: haha you right, night bud!

I guess I could of left some of the stuff out about the farting and fifa but wanted to put everything in there to show that how he treated me right after didn’t change and we were bros right after. No lie after reading these messages basically made me feel so much better and I haven’t been stressed out since. Its such a cool feeling to know that he knows ALL of me.

Then last night, we stayed up talking until 5:15 when we both had class at 9am. We talked about his relationships and what I have to go through when a girl likes me. He asked “why don’t you just drop them and not talk to them?” and I was like “I had to act interested to keep eyes off of me.” He understood completely and just laughed and was like you just use them for homework and I just smiled lol. But he told me some secrets about past hookups that he has never told anyone else. I was like “so this week all the secrets are coming out” and we both started cracking up. He is completely cool with and I feel like we are closer than before.

Looking back at the result, I just wonder why I didn’t do it earlier lol but I guess that’s how it goes.

one down, millions to go

Well, I like to first start off by saying...I TOLD SOMEONE!!! haha cant believe I can say that now. Feels weird but fucking awesome as well!!

I told my roommate tonight and he was so cool about it. Like I cant even describe how I feel right now. Its amazing!!

I will post soon about what went down and stuff but its getting late and I have a intro Christianity test tomorrow (actually in like 8 hours) then two tests on Tuesday that I havent even started studying for so later peoples! :)

still here

Lately not too much has happened. Im 20 now. Still in school, still playing soccer, and still in the closet. I have been thinking about tell my roommate though. Its on my mind from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I really don’t understand why I am so afraid to tell him. From all the coming out stories I have heard, there hasn’t been any negative reactions. Hearing these things is what causes me to think about it so much. If everyone’s friends accept them for who they are, shouldn’t mine??

Especially with the media attention on the gay community these past couple of weeks, from the “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and then the suicides of gay kids, I just feel it would be awkward to come out now. It sucks hearing about kids committing suicide as such a young age due to being bullied. I still don’t get why others care if someone is gay or not. It has no effect on them. They had their whole life to live and now its cut short because of such ignorant people.

finally good talk about gays

so today at breakfast, I was sitting with two teammates and the topic of gay people got brought up once again. This time it was positive things being said which made me feel AWESOME on the inside :) lol It started because a guy at another table behind us was wearing a Lady Gaga shirt (this was a concert this past weekend so that might of had something to do with it) but one of my teammates was like "that kid is a fagget for sure." Then the other was like "yeah, he might be but its whatever really. I have some gay friends back home and they are really cool. I have a couple gay guy friends and they are completely normal and you would never notice." Then the other kid responded with "yeah I dont mind them, I know some gay guys too and they just dont show it or flaunt when they are out with us. Like just cause they are gay doesnt mean they have to be all girlie and talk about dick all the time. Like we dont go dry humping all the girls that walk around." As they were discussing this topic, I just sat there and I think I was smiling but I was tryin to hide just for the fact they didnt suspect anything. It was such a good feeling knowing that they didnt mind gays and actually have "normal" gay friends. Looks like things are looking up :)

a new man?

Well isnt much going on in my life and that has caused the lack of posts. Everything is just along smoothly and its the same stuff but different day really. I have had a couple tests and got A's on both of them. Soccer is getting better. My ankle is finally recovering but now I have a couple muscle strains. Still playing on them and thats probably why they havent been getting better. Just hate sitting out of practice.

There is some good news on the guy situation :) No its not the tennis player but the new guy is better looking and actually talks to me! lol He is funny, cute, smart, gay but "normal", easy to talk too, and basically is me buttttt goes to a different school. Also in a different state haha. I met him through the blog and since we first messaged each other, we havent really stopped talking and I absolutely love it! Its kind of weird how similar we are. Its a weird feeling to have but like if he isnt on chat, I get upset, if he sends me a message, I instantly smile :) He knows what to say to cheer me up and knows what to say to make me laugh. The conversations we have had are the craziest things I have ever told anyone. There are some negatives to this kid though. When I have 8 am classes which are 4 of the 5 days out of the week, he keeps me up til like 3 talking to me! I tell him that I need to go to bed but I end up talking for another hour! He kills me!! But I like it :) Also his favorite food is sushi and if you know what I eat, I hate sushi! So it might not work out :/ hahahaha

week in review

Not much has happened. Especially with the tennis kid :( haha I think he dropped the class cause he hasnt showed up since the first day. I did see him Saturday night at a party but didnt talk. Just random eye contact throughout the night. Im awful with signals. Cant tell if someone is looking at me cause they want to hookup  or cause my zipper is down. Every time I see someone look at me, I look down to make sure I dont have stains or anything on me. This school year, seems like people are staring more. I might be paranoid but both me and my roommate noticed it. Kind creeps me out.

On the soccer side of things, I sprained my ankle last Tuesday at practice and have been out since. It swelled up really bad and turned all sorts of colors. Been doing treatment for it everyday and now Im getting back into things.  Yesterday was the first time for cutting and sprinting. It sucked cause we had a game Friday night which I had to sit out and our team lost. Thats the one thing I hate, is having to sit on the bench of a soccer game while we are losing. It suckkkssss!! But we have a game tomorrow which is the first game of the season. Im feeling great today so there is a chance of me playing. My coach told me today I have to do some agility things in order to play so hopefully that goes well.

Other than that, not much is going on at the moment. Still closeted and just hangin out. There have been several instances this past week where I was going to tell my roommate/teammate about my secret but just couldnt bring myself to do it. Maybe soon though??

Well, make the most of today cause tomorrow is never promised. Stay positive :)

telling my teammates??

Telling my teammates about my lil secret could possibly be the hardest things I have ever done. I have debated about it so many times especially recently but I dont think its gonna happen as long as Im on the team. I have debated to just tell my closest teammate who is also my roommate but it seems risky if it slipped out on accident or something.

This is another conversation that some of the guys on the team had that keeps me from telling them:
Today after training, me and five other guys on the team went to dinner at Zaxbys. It was my teammates birthday the other day so we went to celebrate kind of just so we didnt have to eat at the cafeteria. But while we were eating, something came up about gay kids. I dont know how or where it came from. But a teammate (also a roommate of mine now) was like "I could never have a gay child. It would not happen. I wouldnt allow it!" Then some other the guys agreed and said some other stuff about it. But he was like "if my child was gay, I would shoot him." Knowing the guy, he wouldn't shoot anyone. He is one of the nicest kids on the team and never gets mad, always shares his stuff, and lives in a positive kind of manner I guess. I mean it sucked hearing that but thats the stuff that keeps me from saying anything to them at all. Maybe there idea of a gay guy would change if I came out since I play soccer (not to be arrogant or big headed, but Im a big part of the team and they look up to me as a player and person) and Im just a normal chill kid who does the same shit they do except fuck girls. I just dont understand why people give a fuck about other peoples sexuality. Why the hell does it concern them? I dont know, it just pissed off...

But Im glad this blogging thing is here. This has helped so so much! Have talked to some great guys about this stuff and its really helped me. These are some new blogs and pretty sick dudes if you ask me: Not So Open & Obvious, I'm Me, and Average Gay Dude. Should check them out!