very good christmas break

I didnt post a Christmas post so I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Hopefully everyone got what they wanted and had time to spend it with family and friends. I had a pretty solid Christmas.

But with the holidays comes some family fights so I got some of that to blog about and also a hookup :)

I will post soon about it all but until then, take it easy everyone!

i thought things were good

Well with mom knowing ALL of me, things have been somewhat different. I mean not dramatically different, but like she is always trying to do stuff for me. Just little things more often than normal and I dont mind, its just I feel like she feels sorry for me or something. I dont know, could me just being paranoid but I defiantly know she has been acting different. 

And I guess she didnt take it as well I as I thought. Apparently she doesnt believe me that I am. 

So we just got back from our trip to NC for my sisters graduation and we drove two cars back: our van and my sisters car. Since my sis had so much shit to bring back, we split up in the cars and it was pretty packed. My mom and sister were in her car while me, my brothers and dad were in the van. At a rest stop, I asked my mom if they were having some mother-daughter talks. She said they were just "analyzing different things." So right when I heard that, I knew she meant me but she also said they were talking about my sisters guys. Anyways, we get home and I was going out with some friends so I head up to my room to change and stuff. While I was getting ready, my mom came up to ask her motherly questions to see where I was heading and stuff. But she also said that I should wait to tell anyone else cause she doesn't think I am. It was pretty random but I guess she thought I would just tell the world since she knows but I'm not going too. This kind of pissed me off just thinking that she doesn't believe me but I also think its because she doesn't want me to be. I know parents dont really want their kids to be gay but its not something they can control. She also said that she wants to have a talk with me but I don't really want to. I guess we need to since I haven't talked to her much about it since I told her but even when I told her, she questioned me asking me how do I know and saying it might just be a phase.

Then yesterday, I was just in the "I dont want to be anyone" mood and my mom asked me what was wrong and why am I sad when I was about to go somewhere. I just brushed it off saying it was nothing and she said "Is it because I know you?" and I just said no and kind of starting leaving. 

It just kind of sucks that my mom doesn't believe me but I guess I just need to explain to her. Not really looking forward to it but I guess it should be done.

i did it!

I told my mom yesterday, well kind of. I did the letter thing and she was completely cool about it. I will write more about it later on. Im just about to leave for a 20 hour drive back to school for my sisters graduation. Not to excited about that but at least my mom knows :)

im home!!

So finals week is over and Im finally back home. I have been waiting to be home since I left for school lol. I have spent some quality mom-son time since not many of my friends are home yet. We have been to the malls the past 3 days for Christmas shopping and trying to get last minute gifts. Dont get me wrong, I love spending time with her and I'm so glad I'm home to be with her, but almost every conversation we have is about me and girls. She asked me when I was planning on getting married the other day!! Like I feel like I would hurt her so much if I came out to her. Then we went into a baby store cause she had to a buy gift for a friend, but she was picking out clothes and was saying she cant wait to see how my babies would be dressed. I mean I have three other siblings so my mom can have plenty of grandchildren but I guess she cant really count on me for them.

I have been debating whether or not to tell her. I'm getting to the point of if she will know later on, why not know now. I just don't want to cause any problems during this time of the year but its just really annoying having her ask me about girls every day.

And got a question for yall, would it be acceptable to write a letter to her to tell her? I just feel like if I was to tell her face-to-face, I wouldn't be able to get it all out.

Later everyone

finals week

Getting closer and closer to Christmas break and Im sooooo happy. I havent been home since beginning of August and I really want to get home. I'm not homesick, I'm just tired of being at school for so long. Cant wait to see my family and my friends over the break. Unfortunately before I go home, I have to take my finals for my classes this semester. My first test isnt until Tuesday but havent even started studying for any of my tests. Im such a procrastinator and will probably just wait until tomorrow night to start lol

Um still havent talked to my sister since telling her. I just find it really hard to bring up, its such an awkward conversation. I did talk to my roommate about it the other night until like 4am so we are on the same page about it all. He understands the situation and said I should talk to my sis as well. I just hate bringing up that subject. Even with my roommate I dont like bringing it up. During the talk, I noticed I still havent accepted myself 100%. I dont like saying "Im gay" out loud and he said I should practice it lol Both times coming out, I just said "I dont like girls." Its just more comfortable for me I guess.

Anyways, hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the music!

some jams

Things haven't gotten any better or worse I guess since I told my sister. I haven't talked to her much or seen her either. We text back and forth but about completely random things. I have been thinking about talking to her again about the thing but not sure how to bring it up or if I want to bring it up if its already blown over.

I do want to say thanks for all the support I have been getting throughout this blog. Everyone's comments really mean a lot to me. This blog has helped me express my thoughts and gain support for the issues I have dealt with.

I thought I would add some music to my blog since its a pretty big part of my life. Whenever I'm feeling down or whatever, I throw some music on and chill. Whenever I'm getting ready for a game, I listen to music to get me focused. I don't have too much variety but I just listen to what I like. The play-list doesn't have any particular order of songs but I just threw it together. Let me know what you think and if you have similar likings or suggestions for me.

Later people!